365+ DAYS LATER....
- My Opinion About the ICC
- What Is Spiritual Rape?
- "Blessed are the Poor In Spirit...
-
Love Is Preached...But Acts and Deeds within the Church are Rewarded
- In Conclusion
I did not want to stop.A whole year has passed since I left the New York City Church of Christ. So much has changed. And so much has stayed the same. My purpose in writing this article, is to explore my feelings and thoughts about the last year and what it has meant to me.
If you are reading this, you have hopefully already read part of or maybe all of My Story. It is a personal testimony of what I experienced while in the New York City Church of Christ. I wrote it very soon after leaving.
First of all, I feel very blessed! I feel alive, solid, whole, and renewed in a way I could never have felt being in the International Churches of Christ (ICC). I know that I am better a person for the experiences that I have had in dealing with the church. There is still a lot of anger, hurt, and feelings of betrayal when I think of the ICC but I have learned to know myself because of the experience. Knowing yourself, being totally gut-level honest with ones self is a very valuable tool that most people either avoid, ignore, or mistrust. My experience in the International Churches of Christ made me be honest with myself in a foundational way that only a tragedy can. I am grateful that I survived.
I have grown since that fateful Labor Day, September 1, 1997. In those days, a year ago the world was filled with extreme sadness. That weekend, Princess Diana had been in a horrible car accident that soon claimed her life. My life was also filled with extreme sadness that weekend but unfortunately my sadness had nothing to do with grieving for Princess Di. I was grieving over a spiritual decision that would set the pace of my life, for the rest of my life. I had to decide whether or not I was "going to Hell" because I was leaving the New York City Church of Christ, a branch of the International Churches of Christ. I had to decide if I was going to take a serious stand against personal and spiritual tyranny in my life.
I remember feeling scared and alone, like a lost child. I felt like I had lost my world. I remembered being very angry. Angry at all the people who had hurt, not only me, but the people that had been in my care as a Bible Talk Leader and Discipling Partner. I was so angry for all the deception and for the feeling that I was ALWAYS doing something so wrong = sinning. And that in sinning, someone was always going to "correct" me. It was just like Big Brother in Orwell's 1984 ---forever present, forever knowing and just as frightenly eerie!
I was disoriented by my anger and fear. I am not an angry person by nature. My first reaction is be rather like the Star Trek character, Mr. Spock. I try to think things through logically and calmly. But unlike Spock, I am a person of deep feelings and strong spiritual convictions. I had few friends outside the church, so my isolated feelings were very strong and real to me. I kept asking myself, "who would be there for me if the ICC were not there for me anymore." From somewhere deep inside I heard a quiet answer to my fearful question, "You have yourself and you have God. Who else do you need?" This is when I realized for the first time I was going to have to rely totally on God and myself in ways I never had in the ICC. It filled me with hope and a longing to be truly FREE!
I remember not only wondering if I was "going to Hell" but having a growing feeling that there was a serious possibility that something terrible would happen to me because I was leaving the ICC. While in the ICC, I heard this story about a young woman who left the ICC and a few months later, she was violently raped. I remember people saying that �when you leave the secure and safe arms of the God (Kingdom/ ICC), anything can happen to you..." It was generally agreed that she "had better run for her life back to the Kingdom" if she did not want horrible things to continue happening to her. It sounds sick to read such cold, uncompassionate words but they were said and spread throughout "the kingdom...in love" to those who would dare believe that "the world" could be moral without the "love" of the ICC--Kip McKean's idea of "God's Modern Day Movement."
In the first few hours of leaving the church, only my family knew I had left. My parents were very supportive, loving, and encouraging. My closest non-ICC friend was also very supportive. I remember feeling free for the first time in what felt like centuries. I was thinking for myself for the first time in two and half years. I hardly knew where to begin.For the first time in my life, I did not have a roommate. This feeling of complete freedom was also joined with sense of alone uncertainty. One minute I would feel very happy at my decisions and then a few minutes later there would be nothing but doubt. But I did not have to get permission to feel or think even that. I just thought and felt, and that was so good
I believe that the International Churches of Christ, that were started in Boston by Kip McKean and his group of followers, is a cult.
But what is a cult?
I decided to look up in the "worldly" dictionary of Webster and find out their definition. According to Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition, a cult is (1) formal religious veneration: worship (this could include any church---hmmm, what else?) (2) a system of religious beliefs and rituals; also: its own dogma set forth by its promulgator (= one who declares and makes known=Kip McKean) (3) a religion regarded as unorthodox or spurious (= false, bogus, phony, fake, or counterfeit). The definition in the dictionary is not as foreboding as the one the media/society depicts. But its ominous definition still is haunting enough to allow one a glimpse into a shadowy world of control and lies.
I thought cults were more like the people at the Waco Incident, Jim Jones, or groups who deviated completely from the Bible, making ludicrous claims that their leaders were Jesus or God. They always had a direct line into heaven and used drugs, sex or controlling technics to make people stay in their organization. I thought cults were vultures preying only on the weak-minded, scared, lonely, desperate, old, too young, fearful, unstable people, who were willing to give up loads of money and their very lives if asked. I thought of myself as being a decent, intelligent, educated, responsible, Christian woman who was looking for a church family in the city of New York. I was not prepared for the International Churches of Christ.
When I first moved to New York City, my parents, who are Christians, told me to be on careful watch for suspicious people who would try to "brainwash me" into a cult. At first I was appalled and chuckled at the very idea. I thought of myself as �no dummy.' I was secure and safe because I was a thinker, a logically thinking person, with rational deduction and common sense intact. I knew the Bible reasonably well. I grew up in a home where Bible study was regularly practiced and preached. I had a brother who was a minister. I knew my head was screwed on right.In fact, in my first months in New York, I did meet quite a few people, who in my personal opinion, must have been apart of cultist organizations. I never stayed around those persons long enough to find out for sure. I was completely unaware of subtle groups like the ICC.
In all intense purposes, the International Churches of Christ resemble their cousin the mainline Churches of Christ. The mainline church is very popular and prominent in the United States , especially the southern states where I was raised. There were many similarities between the two churches. The mainline is known for their fundamental orthodox Biblical views and the ICC was no different. In fact, when I did the traditional seven (7) ICC studies, I, like many others before and since, thought that going to Bible Talks and Bible Studies were honestly Bible study groups by definition --- where one exchanged thoughts, concerns, and facts about the Bible, God and his love for us. I had participated in quite a few Bible studies growing up, it looked all so similar.
I have come to think of my time in the church/cult/organization with both extremely negative and weak positive emotions and thoughts. I have gotten past the extreme angry faze, which took a year to do and have now begun the general healing faze. I find that now, I am not as angry or disappointed and embarrassed by my experience. These emotions vary all the time.
I found writing and creating this website has been very helpful in getting my feelings and emotions out. Plus, through the wonder of the Internet, I have spoken with, and in some cases met, so many people who have been �spiritually raped' by these "caring disciples." In their so called �spiritual care,' they have robbed so many people of dignity, respect, money, confidence, happiness and so much more---things that can not be replaced. In my opinion, I believe that the ICC has committed and continues to commit spiritual rape.It is an emotional, spiritual and financial deception. It is an unnerving experience because it leaves scars that sometimes causes people to choose not to believe in God. I have spoken with people, who after leaving the ICC, believe that if that is how God's people are, if that is truly the Kingdom of God, they want no part of it. Leaving this church can make you question your faith and your relationship with God. I will not deny that I too have had a tough time with it, trying to make sense of it all. When I step into a church, and they are friendly, I wonder what they want with me. Why are they friendly? What is their goals? What do they want of me? It is an unsettling feeling to not be able to trust people, especially people who are suppose to be trustworthy, without deceptions, without worrying about who has goals or agendas for you.
The best definition to describe the ICC is, its insidious subtly and consistent acts of manipulation disguised with the faces of smiles, hugs, and fake unconditional love. The sad thing is most people in the ICC, I believe are trying their best to be sincere. But cumulatively, with the aid of deceptive leaders, the damage is viciously done. It is hard to describe to someone who has never been involved with the ICC how subtle the evils are executed . It is all very deceptive with a heavy covering of "doing God's will."
If you are a regular member, most deceptions you will see over time. But if you are a leader, Bible Talk Leader, assistant Bible Talk Leader, Zone Leader, Sector Leader, etc., you will know very quickly how things are orchestrated for "members' own good."
I will give a firsthand example: I was a Bible Talk Leader. By definition, I had 3 to 4 women in my group that I pseudo-led with a male Bible Talk Leader (when the male leaders were around, women were help-mates, not true leaders.) There were 4 to 5 men in the Bible Talk group.
There was a woman in the group I will call Gloria. Gloria had been a member about 3 to 4 years longer than myself. She had never really excelled but she was considered weak to stable most of the time. (This meant she was not as "sharp" or God-like as the leadership wanted. Thus, I do not believe she ever became a BT leader.) I was told to continually encourage Gloria, keep her involved in the Bible Talk and become close. She became my assistant Bible Talk Leader. I was Gloria's discipling partner as well. Discipling partners are one on one partners to help one with their spiritual growth, what the ICC like to call �spiritual mentors.'Shortly after I became a leader, Gloria started pulling away from the group. This was the beginning signs of "struggling." My job was to try to pull her back into the group by encouraging her = going to her house, calling her at home and her job, giving her scriptures to study, asking her often about her spiritual health (which would include such private matters, like sexual thoughts/lust or masturbation, etc.) All of this encouragement I was told to do step by step by the leadership. At one point, the head leader or zone leader of my sector, plus other friends of Gloria's were brought in to make sure she did not "fall away" from God's Kingdom. After much tears and prayers and staying up most of the night, Gloria decided to stay a disciple. Within the discussion that evening, it was discovered that the reason why Gloria almost "fell away" was because of a man.
"The most common reason why people fall away from God (ICC) is because of the opposite sex." How many times did I hear THAT statement! Thus the reason why we were not allowed to date outside the church. "This is the one true church," I was told. Worldly people want worldly things. If you truly love God, you want a spiritual mate. Anything less would be sinful.
After a few weeks, Gloria disappeared. She would not return anyone's phone calls or see anyone. Finally, she would not allow the doorman at her apartment to send anyone up. I was told to go to her apartment, stand outside starting at 7AM in the morning until she came out to go to work. I was then to try to get her to talk to me. I was appalled at the idea of, in my opinion, �stalking' someone into returning to church. Jesus would NEVER have done that. But I was told that "if I truly loved her, I would not hesitate to go and do whatever was necessary to save her life!" They said she was spiritually dying and if someone was dying, "wouldn't you do anything to save them...if you loved them...like Christ loves us." Its hard to argue with the leaders. We were taught that they are closest to God and they only want to help us "get to heaven."
Scriptures were given to me, I was prayed with and then I was sent to her home on a chilly Spring morning at 7AM. I stood there wondering why I was there. Questioning everything I had been taught in leadership about "making disciples". I felt what I was doing was wrong. No one deserves to be berated into returning to church, especially not at that hour.
At first, when she came out of the apartment, Gloria did not see me. Because of my hesitation and reservations, I almost did not see Gloria. I quietly said hello and asked how she was doing. Gloria leaped from me and told me to leave her alone. I told her I loved her and that I only wanted to help her with her relationship with God. I walked quickly after her. Gloria informed me to leave her alone and never to return to her apartment.
I stopped in my tracks. This woman was running away from me, in anger and fear, because I was chasing her down in the name of God/ICC! Was it for God? Or was it for people? It made no sense. I was embarrassed, ashamed, confused, appalled and even deep-down, though I would have never admitted it at the time, I was angry.
When I went back to the leaders and tried to tell them what had happened and how I felt. They informed me that I had done right. They recounted their experiences in similar situations. They spoke of "battle scars." They spoke of the "weak-ones who leave Christ." They spoke of Gloria as if she was a criminal. It hurt me to my heart. I had lost a friend and gained "an enemy." The only thing the leaders kept saying is how I was becoming more and more like Christ. They "love bombed" me!
Love-bombing = loads of praise, attention, hugs, affection and trying to make you feel special In my heart, I did not believe them. I felt horrible. When I spoke of my doubts, I was chastised for my feelings. This is not uncommon. Often, people will speak of their true feelings are then scolded, like children, for not loving enough, giving enough, for "not being like Jesus" enough. I shoved them, like many other feelings, aside because I loved God and I truly only wanted to do His will. But I was confused at whose will I was really doing.
This kind of harassment and being chased-down happens often in the ICC. It happened to me when I left. People, including my Sector Leader and Discipling Partner came to my job and home. They left tons of messages on my phone, at home and work. I stopped taking calls at my job for nearly a month and only returned business calls left on my voicemail. People I had known in my years in the ICC called me and begged me to come back to church, telling me I had made "the biggest mistake of my life." People wanted to meet with me and pray, "challenge me to stick it out and not give up my salvation."
If people in the church started leaving, especially if they had been around awhile or were baby-Christians but were considered for possible candidates for leadership, they were chased after. Many times to the point of people moving out of their homes, changing phone numbers, or calling the police. I changed my phone number.
I know of people who have been kicked out of their apartments because they decided to leave the ICC. When one becomes a member, it is encouraged that you live with other same-sex members to insure less "struggling." I know of several young men around the country who decided to leave the ICC and the roommates called the police and tried to get them kicked out the moment the decision was public. In one case, a young man told me, his roommates succeeded. After being kicked out of his apartment, he slept in his car, in the dead of winter, because his sibling, a married member of the ICC, would not help him because leadership told them not to have anything to do with "the fall-away."
Leadership is law in the ICC and rarely do they do wrong. I have spoken with people who know of sexual abuses done by leaders to members. In other states, I have heard of leaders who have a history of sexually abusing children, being put in charge of the Children's Ministry.
The real frightening and distressing thing is, there are so many sincere people in the ICC who honestly love God, want to do His will, and desire nothing more than to be a follower of Christ. I believe the problem stems from the leadership. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely!" This includes Kip McKean on down to the simple Bible Talk Leaders. Most people are not power hungry and would not intentionally try to hurt others. But the kind of system the ICC has, can cause a reasonably nice person to have a ton of control over individual(s) lives. Thus, setting up a perfect controlling atmosphere. They use the Bible like a rule book to be thrown in your face.I know the control temptation is there. I was a leader, for less than six months, who had NO DESIRE to control, but the Discipling Groups (are made up of all the Bible Talk Leaders, male and female, in a Sector/Zone.) are set up for you to "lovingly give advice" to your Bible Talk. If the "advice" is not taken or there is signs of "struggling," as a Bible Talk Leader you are suppose to tell your Discipling Partner and/or Zone/Sector Leaders. No secrets in the ICC -- everyone knows your sin. Why--because once told, it is discussed in detail with the Discipling Group, you are able to pray and help each other over come your "struggles."
"BLESSED ARE THE POOR IN SPIRIT..."
The ICC is NOT poor.The ICC has a recording production company and a thriving bookstore. Books, video tapes, audio tapes of services, and CDs are always sold at large meetings and services. Discipling Publications Inc. (DPI) houses all the books that the leaders write and encourage each sector/zone to read. Because everyone is to imitate their leaders, of course books are sold, pasted around to disciples,read and re-read often. Seminars, classes, and sessions are continually conducted, so everyone ends up buying a book eventually. Before I left the church, I had the beginnings of a growing ICC library from DPI.
Members tithe once a week. Upon being baptized, members are schooled by their Discipling Partners on tithing, which is usually about 10% earnings. Once a year, around the second week in June, Special Contribution is conducted. The members are told to start saving right after each Special Contribution but the crutch-time is the beginning of the year right up to the time the money is taken up. Leaders tell us to give 16 to 21 times our normal weekly contribution. Disciples in mid-week service are "encouraged to give sacrificially, until it hurts." With lectures and entertaining skits (which I remember participating in) members are shown how we must sacrificially give and how others have given more by sacrificing much in underdeveloped countries.
I remember the leaders telling us stories about disciples in Africa skipping meals, walking many miles to service and giving up necessities in order to give as sacrificially as possible. I can still hear one of the female leaders saying, "if you are a single female, you spend too much anyway, you need to give until its painful." Guilt is a big in the ICC!
Special Contribution is turned in with the belief that the money is given to start churches around the world. I have my doubts. I have heard stories from some who have worked in the financial offices of ICC sectors around the country. They too have doubts about where the money goes, but of course there is no hard-copy proof.
Then there is HOPE. HOPE is Helping Other People Everywhere. According to their public relations information and what the ICC says publicly, they are a benevolent organization that helps immunize, feed, and assist people around the globe. On the local levels, they assist in immunizing children in high-risk demographics. Members are encouraged to be as involved as they can. In New York City, this includes a once a year drive by the entire congregation. Even though HOPE is not directly affiliated with the ICC, those in charge of HOPE are members of the ICC---hand picked by Kip McKean himself. I again have my doubts about how most of the money is distributed.
I do know this: Leaders in the church fly around the world for conferences and meetings. Who pays for this? The salaries of leaders in the church come from contributions members make every week. Bible Talk Leaders are not paid a salary. But in many ways work as hard or harder than the leaders.
When I was a member, we had three or more services at Madison Square Garden, in both the large arena and The Theater. One time, Steve Johnson, a major North American Leader in the ICC was in New Zealand. On a stage large screen, Steve greeted us from New Zealand with the members of the New Zealand Church of Christ. After a baptism shown on the big screen from New Zealand, we prayed together over millions of miles. To be honest, I was incredibly impressed with the experience. Here we were in the famous Madison Square Garden Theater and we were praying via satellite simulcast. How much did that cost?
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- In Conclusion