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In order for me to remain sane in the knowledge that I had been apart of a cult all that time, in order for me to not hate myself, hate God and everyone I had known in this church, and all of those who had hurt me; in order for my faith to remain intact, I had to recover by helping others. I started my website 6 months after leaving the ICOC, initially for selfish reasons. I started the website to help in my own recovery. In designing this site, my new mission became clear. I wanted to assist others in leaving and recovering from what I had experienced. And what an inconceivable journey this has been!
I have interviewed many people about their ICOC experiences. I have talked for days on the phone with ex-members and families whose relatives are still trapped inside the confines of the ICOC. I have participated in support groups. I have talked to people around the country and around world who have had almost identical experiences. I have participated in infuriating but informative email discussions with current members who want me to return to the ICOC. They want me to know how much ICOC has changed. But along the way, they begin to reveal their own doubts, concerns and fears; prompting some to eventually leave the organization and others to defy their feelings and restore their commitment to the ICOC rhetoric. It has all been a rollercoaster ride of deluged emotions that will never be dammed up again.
Years ago, I wrote about my feelings and thoughts in 365 days later, after leaving the ICOC. Below are interview questions that I have asked countless ex-members and current members. This time, I am asking myself:
Time and faith has shown me that we must all go through life�s journey experiencing wonderful and horrible things. Pain is inherently apart of living. Suffering for spiritual discovers and enlightenment is not new for human beings. I now know asking the question, �why me?� is not what I should do. I should ask myself, �What have I learned out of this experience? And what can I teach others?� There are lessons to be learned. This is the only way, beside much prayer, to not be bitter and hold grudges, which only damages the soul.
I have spoken to so many people from around the world. These people have been tortured emotionally and spiritually. They have so much fear and apprehension that living life is more of an exercise in how not to comment a sin and not about living life to the fullest. They have lost their joie de vive and it is sad to hear and see. But there is always hope! That is the gift from God.
The church has its own culture, language, nuances, and rules. As long as you act like you believe in them, perform the appropriate tricks and ask no questions that show your individuality, one is safe inside.
A friend of mine who recently left the ICOC compared it to the Stepford Wives � a robotic attitude to follow the church�s view of God�s word � as long as one acts like a disciple, leadership will leave you alone. Individuality, speaking of ones doubts, fears or questioning how things are done tells others that one is not with the program.
Issues within the ICOC were like a pink elephant standing in the middle of a crowded room and no one saying anything. Ex-members kept pointing and saying out loud, �there�s a problem, see the pink elephant?� Members would either ignore what was said or escort the poor delusional ones out of the room, telling those left behind, �there is no pink elephant, the devil made them do it� or �they are crazy, shake the dust from your feet�.
The fact that a member of leadership wrote a letter to leadership indicating his serious concerns on internal problems that have been denied by all for countless years is totally A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! It was a miracle! It was like God answering a prayer. For the first time, it was laid out for members to truly see and realize that those who had left had valid reasons. Those reasons were not about sinful natures of those who left but about a lack of freedom and compassion from members in charge.
Kriete�s letter was totally on point! He did something that every person who had left the ICOC had been doing for years; he told the truth and validated our vocalized experiences and showed the ICOC sin(s) for all to see. I am both relieved and extremely joyful at his poignant letter. I have seen many changes since its broadcast. Friends I have known since I first studied with the church, finally leaving. Those members emailing me and apologizing for past attitudes and actions. Also, the freedom of renewing friendships with both ex and present members, without fear of repercussions from the church. The NYC churches are almost dismantled. People who were in leadership have either stepped down or have moved away. In one case, an entire family, who has been members for over 20 years, all left before 2003 ended.
A few years ago, I had the privilege of visiting the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. It was a shocking, appalling and disturbing example of evil�s manipulation at continent scale. It shows how one man, with many following his lead, decided to change his world and how others fell pray to his propaganda.
It may seem unusual to compare cults to Hitler�s propaganda in Nazi Germany, but it makes sense. By no means am I trying to compare Kip McKean or his colleagues as Nazis or Hitler type propagandists. I am trying to show an extreme example of what can happen when others decide to use hateful manipulation to lead and dominate while others stay silent and follow. That is what propaganda can do whether it is on a smaller scale like the ICOC or a bigger scale, like Nazi Germany, both control, deceive and do irreparable damage to individuals.
Those who left the ICOC stood up to the system. I have been told by some who stay in the church that they would rather work with the system and try to make changes within. In a way, they say this in order to act as if this is an admirable thing to do, casting a shadow on our �cowardice� for leaving. I do not believe this. Staying in the ICOC is a trap. They will either convince you to stay silent or they will convince you to leave, you can not reason with manipulation.
My relationship with God went through a process that surprises me. I do not recall ever being mad at God throughout my experience, even though I wondered on several occasions, �why me?� I know of many who did lose their faith. But faith has to be fought for, just like any relationship. Faith is a decision you make everyday, you either believe or you don�t. I choose to believe.
Throughout my time in the church, everyday we were told to ask the question, �What would Jesus do?� I think somewhere along the way, the leaders forgot to ask this question and began making up things as they went about building the ICOC empire. Now that that empire is crumbling, there is a scrambling to regroup, but to regroup into what?
Currently, as of April 2004, I believe that there are 3 definitive groups forming after the Kriete letter sparked a reformation, or dare I say revolution. (Read 3 Major Fractions) Who knows what will happen in the future with the ICOC. As the reformation/revolution continues, I pray that those who have left can grow in their faith in God and never allow a church or person(s) to control or manipulate their lives again. For those who are still members, I pray that they realize that God�s love is not confined to the small box the ICOC loves to dictate.
We are individuals who have a wide range of feelings and choices. Choosing is what makes us human beings. When we give up the right to choose and allow others to choose for us, we are still making a choice. But this is a choice to not be aware. Being aware, being informed, asking questions, having doubts, growing and learning is essential for us to grow as God�s people. There are no limitations with our Creator. God is big enough to encompass it all and thank God, He gives us the freedom to choose! If our Creator gives us that freedom, NO ONE should have the right to take it from us. And we should not give it up so freely...
As I write this, it is now April 2004. Nearly, 7 years have pasted since, September 1, 1997, when I left the New York City Church of Christ, also known as the NYC ICOC (International Churches of Christ). Being a member of this organization for 2 � years and with my exodus, the experience was incredibly life-impacting. I am forever a changed individual.
What is life like after leaving the ICOC
I am alive and well with my faith in God still intact and believe me that was not easy. My trust is not freely given and I no longer take God or church or people at face value without some reservations. I am more cautious and more reflective about what other people�s agenda might be for me.
I decided to leave the ICOC for many reasons. If you read My Story, written 6 months after my departure, I was a very disappointed and disillusioned woman fighting to keep her faith. I had hopes that my faith would show me why I went through my time in the ICC.What do you think of theHenry Kriete letter that was written in early 2003?
I have heard many ex-members compare the ICOC to the movies, The Matrix and the Wizard of Oz. Illusions give the ICOC its motivating power. Both movies are about living inside an elaborate and somewhat convincing fantasy. But both show how getting out and facing reality and the truth can �set one free�. The ICOC is just like that.Why do you think you joined a cult and are you embarrassed?
I am not embarrassed, even though many have tried to make me feel this way. One of the things I have tried to do is let people know that it is not a weak mind, soul, character or heart that have allowed people to fall prey to cults. I cannot emphasis this enough: when certain malicious people (not saying that all in the ICOC have evil intentions) or those with malicious agendas, aim to manipulate - it stands to reason that unless thwarted - they will succeed. Perfect example of this is Hitler during World War II. How has your relationships changed toward God, church, people, etc.?
When you are betrayed, it leaves you with a feeling of lasting lost and sorrow. Before the ICOC, I was a very trusting person, not blindly trusting but I believed that most people do not want to harm you. To a serious extent, that faith in people has not changed, but trust is not something I freely give anymore. I do not take people at face value and assume that they mean me no harm. I lost my spiritual innocence and I no longer have the luxury of freely trusting. How do I feel about the ICOC and what is currently happening?
I feel very distant from the ICOC but I feel no hatred toward the organization or its leader, Kip McKean, but I do feel pity for them. I feel sympathy for those who are still involved and I pray a lot for them, especially leadership. Even though I have been reassured by many present members that the churches have changed, I really can not believe it. I believe that wherever there is an element of the Boston Crossroads Movement, International Churches of Christ, Crossroads Churches of Christ, there is a serious danger of control and manipulation.