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No Bull Stories

Tell me a tale that will make my heart smile,Let me rejoice even if for a while,It may just become, a part of my style,And then I'll recall when I laughed as a child.

THE STARVING ARMENIAN

Since there will be a few ethnic jokes and stories on this site, I feel it only fair that I tell one on my own ethnic group, the Armenians, even if it is on my father. Armenauk Sherbatjian was born in Bitias, Musa Dagh, Armenia (now Turkey). When the Turkish Army overran Armenia and massacred them by the thousands and burnt their homes, books, Bibles, etc. my father managed to escape along with several others in 1915. They all made it to the USA, but could not speak, read, or write English. Nor did they undrestand the value of our money. They did meet a few Armenians who preceded them and was able to speak a little English, and they taught my father first how to order lunch in a Greek restaurant. In their broken English they said: "Armenauk, you just go een, seet on estool, an say:'hamasamichaplapiancupcof."

So every time my father got hungry, he went into the Greek restaurant and sat on a stool and said: "hamasamichapllapiancupcof." He would then hold out all his money and trusted the Greek proprietor to take the righr amount - which he did. This continued for weeks until finally the Greek could stand it no longer and he asked my father:"You moosta lak ham sand, apple pie, and coffee? That is all you ever order?" My father replied: "Not like so much, but not leren any oddr foodt!"

NOAH'S ARK

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man." Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems.

First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.

Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

The Price of Gas
People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, : but an article in a recent issue of auto Week brings it into perspective.

What if you were to buy a gallon of:

: Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
: Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
: STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
: Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
: Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
: Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
: Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

You get the idea. So next time you're at the pump be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, : Scope or even worse, WHITE OUT!!!!!!!!!!! I'd say the refineries are doing a better job than the Pharmaceutical people on holding down costs. It must be the costs of the container.

Conversion, Now and Then

A Jewish Father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. Father, I thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening. However, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oi vey!" replied the father. "What have I done?" So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advise and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend. "I,too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated: "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....."

Remember, We're Raising Children, Not Flowers!

David, my next-door neighbor, has two young kids ages five and seven.One day he was teaching his seven-year-old son Kelly how to push the gas-powered lawn mower around the yard. As he was teaching him how to turn the mower around at the end of the lawn, his wife, Jan, called to him to ask a question. As David turned to answer the question, Kelly pushed the lawn mower right through the flower bed at the edge of the lawn - leaving a two-foot wide path leveled to the ground!

When David turned back around and saw what had happened, he began to lose control. David had put a lot of time and effort into making those flower beds the envy of the neighborhood. As he began to raise his voice to his son, Jan walked quickly over to him, put her hand on his shoulder and said, "David, please remember...we're raising children, not flowers!"

Jan reminded me how important it is as a parent to remember our priorities. Kids and their self-esteem are more important than any physical object they might break or destroy. The window pane shattered by a baseball, a lamp knocked over by a careless child, or a plate dropped in the kitchen are already broken. The flowers are already dead. I must remember not to add to the destruction by breaking a child's spirit and deadening his sense of liveliness.

"God Speaks" billboards.

The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

C'mon over and bring the kids. -God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God

We need to talk. -God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God

I love you and you and you and you and... -God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God

Follow me. -God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

My way is the highway. -God

Need directions? -God

You think it's hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where you're going? -God

(And my personal favorite...) Don't make me come down there. -God

Interview with God

I dreamed I had an interview with God. "Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?" "If you have the time," I said. God smiled and said, "My time is
eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?" "What surprises you most about mankind?"

God answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money, and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.
That they live as if they will never die, and die as if they had never lived."

God's hands took mine and we were silent for a while. Then I asked..."As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?" God replied with a smile: "That they cannot make anyone love them.
What they can do is let themselves be loved. That what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives. That it is not good to compare themselves to others... all will be judged
individually on their own merits. That a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is the one who needs the least. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them. To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness. That there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings. That money can buy everything but happiness. To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see two totally different things. To learn that a true friend is someone who knows everything about
them... and likes them anyway. To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."

I sat there for a while enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for His time and for all that He has done for me and my family. He replied, "Any time. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for Me, and I'll answer."

Bag of Nails

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence..

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear.

Michael

Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Mike, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Michael said. Soon thereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made
a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery
and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw Michael about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied. "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind
as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon to be born daughter," Michael replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Michael continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Michael. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied." The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, "Gravity." Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'."

Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

You have two choices now:
1. Delete this.
2. Forward it to the people you care about. Love, john :):)

As you got up this morning,

I watched you,

and hoped you would talk to me,

even if it was just a few words,

asking my opinion or thanking me

for something good that happened

in your life yesterday.

But I noticed you were too busy,

trying to find the right outfit to wear.

When you ran around the house getting ready,

I knew there would be a few minutes

for you to stop and say hello,

but you were to busy.

At one point you had to wait,

fifteen minutes with nothing to do

except sit in a chair.

Then I saw you spring to your feet.

I thought you wanted to talk to me

but you ran to the phone and called a friend

to get the latest gossip instead.

I watched patiently all day long.

With all your activities

I guess you were too busy to say

anything to me.

I noticed that before lunch you looked around,

maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me,

that is why you didn't bow your head.

You glanced three or four tables over

and you noticed some of your friends

talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't.

That's okay. There is still more time left,

and I hope that you will talk to me yet.

You went home and it seems as if

you had lots of things to do.

After a few of them were done,

you turned on the TV.

I don't know if you like TV or not,

just about anything goes there

and you spend a lot of time

each day in front of it

not thinking about anything,

just enjoying the show.

I waited patiently again

as you watched the TV and ate your meal,

but again you didn't talk to me.

Bedtime I guess you felt too tired.

After you said goodnight to your family

you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time.

That's okay because you may not realize

that I am always there for you.

I've got patience,

more than you will ever know.

I even want to teach you how

to be patient with others as well.

I love you so much that I wait

everyday for a nod, prayer or thought

or a thankful part of your heart.

It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.

Well, you are getting up once again.

And once again I will wait,

with nothing but love for you.

Hoping that today you will give me some time.

Have a nice day!

Your friend,

GOD

P.S. - Do you have enough time to send this to another person?

If the Devil where to write his own beatitudes, they would possibly go something like this;

BLESSED ARE THOSE CHRISTIANS:

TOO TIRED, TOO BUSY, TOO DISTRACTED, to spend time with their fellow

Christians in Church--they are my best candidates to backslide.

Who WAIT TO BE ASKED AND EXPECT TO BE THANKED- I can use them to

slow things down. Who are TOUCHY, WITH A BIT OF LUCK THEY stop going to church and get others to quit--they are my missionaries.

Who are VERY RELIGIOUS BUT get on everyone's nerves- they are my most

effective stumbling blocks.

Who are TROUBLEMAKERS- they are my best wrecking crew.

Who have NO TIME TO PRAY- they are easy prey for me.

Who are COMPLAINERS- they are my best discouragers.

BLESSED ARE YOU WHEN YOU READ THIS AND THINK IT IS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE

AND NOT YOURSELF--------I'VE GOT YOU.

Signed: THE DEVIL

An Everyday Survival Kit

Toothpick

Rubber band

Band aid

Pencil

Eraser

Chewing gum

Mint

Candy Kiss

Tea bag

Here's why:

Toothpick - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others.

Rubber band -- to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go

the way you want, but it will work out. Band aid -- to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. Pencil - to remind you to list your blessings everyday. Eraser - to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay. Chewing gum -- to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family and friends. Candy kiss -- to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. Tea bag -- to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of your blessings. May you be richly blessed. To the world, you may just be somebody...but to somebody, you may be the world.

Thoughts

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gate, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on Earth. In order to gain admittance,the prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."

"2. There are 12 seconds in a year."

"3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?" Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......"

"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff? " Forrest said, "Well, from the song ..... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own ....., and the prayer.....Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name....."

Saint Peter let him in without another word.

PRISON vs WORK

In Prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In Prison: You get three meals a day.

At Work: You only get a break for 1 meal and you to have to pay for it.

In Prison: You get time off for good behavior.

At Work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In Prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At Work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all

doors yourself.

In Prison: You can watch TV and play games.

At Work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison: You get your own toilet.

At Work: You have to share.

In Prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.

At Work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In Prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At Work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In Prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At Work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In Prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.

At Work: They are called supervisors.

Okay, I'm ready let's go to prison.

***

Sermon On The Mount

Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and gathered them around Him. And then He taught them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit,

Blessed are the meek,

Blessed are the merciful,

Blessed are you who thirst for justice,

Blessed are you who are persecuted,

Blessed are the peacemakers.

And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this stuff down?"

And Philip said, "Will this be on the test?"

And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff."

And Matthew said, "Huh?"(a Hebrew term meaning what)

And Judas said, "When am I ever going to use this in real life?"

Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in law said, "I don't see any of this in the syllabus. Do you have a lesson plan? Is there an activity for each of the seven intelligences? Where is the study guide? Will there be any authentic assessment? Will remediation and extra credit be provided for those who did not meet class requirements so they can still pass?

And Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said, "Did we do anything important today?"

AND JESUS WEPT.

My Bag of Potatoes

One of my teachers had each one of us bring a clear plastic bag and a Sack of potatoes. For every person we'd refuse to forgive in our life experience, we were told to choose a potato, write on it the name and date, and put it in the plastic bag. Some of our bags, as you can imagine, were quite heavy.

We were then told to carry this bag with us every where for one week, putting it beside our bed at night, on the car seat when driving, next to our desk at work .

The hassle of lugging this around with us made it clear what a weight we were carrying spiritually, and how we had to pay attention to it all the time to not forget, and keep leaving it in embarrassing places.

Naturally, the condition of the potatoes deteriorated to a nasty slime.

This was a great metaphor for the price we pay for keeping our pain and

heavy negativity! Too often we think of forgiveness as a gift to the

other person--it clearly is also for ourselves!

So the next time you decide you can't forgive someone, ask yourself, "Isn't my bag heavy enough?"

Satan's Goal

Satan called a worldwide convention. In his opening address to his evil angels, he said, "We can't keep the Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from forming an intimate, abiding relationship experience in Christ. If they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to church, let them have their conservative lifestyles, but steal their time, so they can't gain that experience in Jesus Christ.

This is what I want you to do, angels. Distract them from gaining a hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!" "How shall we do this?" shouted his angels.

a.. "Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds," he answered.

b.. "Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow. Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days a week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their lifestyles.

c.. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their family fragments, soon, their home will offer no escape from the pressure of work."

d.. "Over stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still small voice. Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive. To keep the TV, VCR, CD's and their PC's going constantly in their homes. And see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ."

e.. "Fill the coffee table with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards.

f.. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, sweepstakes, mail order catalogs, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services, and false hopes."

g.. Even in their recreation, let them be excessive. Have them return from their recreation exhausted, disquieted, and unprepared for the coming week. Don't let them go out in nature to reflect on God's wonders. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, concerts and movies instead."

h.. "And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences and unsettled emotion.

i.. Let them be involved in soul winning. But crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Christ. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause."

It was quite a convention in the end. And the evil angels went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get busy, busy, busy and rush here and there. Has the devil been successful at his scheme?

You be the JUDGE. How about this definition of busy:

B Being

U Under

S Satan's

Y Yoke

Ship Wrecked

There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on tothe island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly It drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!" The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week." The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked,

"What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"

An Afternoon In The Park

There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of root beer, and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry so he offered her a Twinkie. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer.

Once again, she smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word. As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps; he turned around, ran back to the old woman, and gave her a hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later; his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God. But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, "Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?" She replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." But before her son responded, she added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected." Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime..Embrace all equally!

(Chichen Soup For The Soul)

Fly Me Some Email

Ride Me Home

UnBearable Jokes

No Bull Stories

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