| June 11, 2003 - I almost have an accident |
| Dear Friends, today I almost had an accident of the most unfantabulous kind. I had just finished shaving and was in the shower just soaping up everything when something bad happened. I usually enjoy my morning shower, because it makes me feel all clean and purty (as we say down Souf'). But today, Dear Readers, was different, for just as I was about to wash my face, I had a sudden, gut-wrenching urge to poop! It was horrible! It was one of those "I better get to a toilet right away" feelings, but I was all covered with soap and couldn't just jump out of the tub. Neither was I going to go right there and stand in a pool of my own feces! How unfantabulous would that have been? So I stood there rinsing off and trembling in agony all the while with my butt cheeks clenched shut tighter than Scrooge's purse! I then had to go through the drying-off ritual, still trembling and sweating with the nauseous feeling you get when you really have to go. Oh, man, it was dreadful! I stood there groaning and making all those wild sorts of promises to God that one makes when one is truly desperate. "I promise I'll never curse again!" "Oh, Lord, if you let me survive this, I'll volunteer at a leper colony!" "Oh, God, please just let there be enough toilet paper on the roll to cover this and I'll be nice to everyone for ever and ever!" You know the kinds of promises I'm talking about, don't you, Dear Readers? For I'm sure you've all made a few of those yourselves as cars came driving at you down the wrong side of the road or as you leapt into a swimming pool only to realize there was no water in it. Anyway, the whole thing was painful and embarrassing; much like listening to Yoko Ono sing. When it was all over, I calmly got dressed, headed out the door, and turned my .mp3 player on to some soothing Eurotrash music. I think I'm doing something wrong with the player though, because when I set it to shuffle play a playlist, sometimes it brings in a song from a different playlist. No matter; I'm just glad to have it for my upcoming trip to Sweden. Last year my apartment in Uppsala only had a CD player in it and the television only got one channel! How unglamorous! Now, mind you, the flight on Icelandair is generally not that bad (how's that for a nonsequitur?), especially since they've set up a code share with SAS. You can usually tune into some Eurotrash music on their system and, most amazingly, they show episodes of "Will and Grace" on the TV. I'm not certain how they're able to do that without getting a bunch of complaints, but I've noticed that most passengers on airplanes act a little more worldy while in the air than they would if they were still stuck at home in CRAPPERTON. Oh, and I must tell you about the "kitchen" I had last year. It had a full-size refrigerator, but the "stove" was a toaster oven with two hotplates built into its top! Not only that, the counter was too small to hold it, so it was turned sideways so that the toaster oven door opened up over the sink! Now, when I was in Iceland, I had a regular kitchen, so I cooked a couple of times. But I wasn't about to use an electrical device right beside a water source! That was just a recipe for disaster with a side order of tragedy! I'll definitely let you all know what my apartment is like this year. Unfortunately, after June 19 I'll probably only be able to update my Journal of Fantabulosity on the weekends. Although the school has a computer room, the other students tend to hog them. And since I'm not a hog, I'll willingly go to an Internet cafe to update my page. I'm sure I'll update a couple of more times before I leave, but I did want to let you all know so that you can eagerly await my fantabulous Scandinavian updates after June 19! They'll be bootilicious! Next entry Previous entry Go to diary entries Go back home |