| May 10, 2003 - My unfantabulous physical exam |
| Dear Friends, because of changes in insurance right and left, it had been four years since JOHNNYLEEN's last physical, so I decided it was time to have one before my fantabulous trip to Scandinavia this summer. Well, let me just tell you that it wasn't a very fantabulous experience. Before the doctor saw me, the nurse took blood and my pulse and blood pressure, etc. In addition she gave me a TB test. She said, "Now you're going to feel a slight pinch." A slight pinch! JOHNNYLEEN has had several TB tests and it has never hurt. However, in this case it hurt like the devil and it even bled. The nurse said that sometimes that happens, although I certainly have never heard of it. So now I have a big blue mark on my arm. How in the world am I supposed to tell whether it's positive or not? So then Miss Nursie asks me, "Mr. JOHNNYLEEN, did you do everything on the instruction sheet we sent you in preparation for your proctoscopy?" And I said, "What proctoscopy? I saw the instructions, but I didn't think they were for me because Dr. Gonzalez has never done one on me previously. I just thought it was some sort of generic form you sent to everyone." And she said, "Oh no, Mr. JOHNNYLEEN, when men are 29 and some months we always do a proctoscopy so be sure to inform Dr. Gonzalez that he won't be able to do one." What a disappointment that must have been for him! For those of you who don't know, a proctoscopy consists of shoving a metal tube up your bum and the doctor looks inside of you like he's expecting to see reruns of "I Love Lucy". So I dutifully informed him that I had not done the prep for the proctoscopy, which consists of doses of Milk of Magnesia followed by numerous enemas. And he said, "That's OK. We'll schedule a follow-up visit. You can just give yourself an enema in your office bathroom and then walk over here." As if! Giving myself an enema is an unfantabulous thought in and of itself; I certainly don't intend to give myself one at my office! So then he starts the prostate exam. As I lay there groaning in pain as he shoved his finger up my rear, he said "Now let's just see if your prostate is OK." I'm thinking to myself, "Hello! I think you found it and you're hurting it like hell. I think that means it's OK." Then he said, "Your prostate feels normal, it's fine." And what did JOHNNYLEEN do? I THANKED him! I thanked him as if he had complimented me on the color of my eyes! "JOHNNYLEEN, that's a fine prostate you have there." "Why thank you, Dr. Gonzalez. You wouldn't believe the amount of care I lavish on it. I even send it cards on holidays." And then he said, "Since you seem to have trouble relaxing for the prostate exam, I'll give you benadryl when you come in for the proctoscopy to help you relax." Benadryl! I'll need at least a fifth of Jack Daniels! And then he added, "The proctoscopy will allow me to determine if you have polyps." Polyps? How unfantabulous is that? Dear Friends, don't you think my internal fantabulosity alarm would go off if I had anything as unglamorous as polyps? I know what they are in terms of the human body, but I can't help thinking of sea polyps attached to the bottom of the ocean, waving their feeding tubes around in search of plankton and the like. Just the thought of them gives me the willies! So he asked about everything else and I told him I sometimes go to bed a 7:00 p.m. and sleep straight through till 6:00 a.m. And he said, "That sounds like depression. Is everything OK?" Well, I had to admit that I don't have a lot of interest in things that I used to have and he said, "You know, JOHNNYLEEN, some men who are 29 and some months experience a loss of testosterone and that can cause a loss of interest in formerly pleasurable activities, like 'noog'ems'". And I had to admit that my "noog'ems" interest has been a bit low lately, but that's only because it's so exhausting being fantabulous around the clock. I mean, Dear Friends, you know from reading my website how tiring my fantabulous life can be! So he's going to have the bloodwork checked for testosterone levels and perhaps put me on some horrible sounding substance called "Androgel". I think it's a patch or something; I certainly don't intend to be spreading it on my morning bagel! Now I know all of my Dear Female Readers are saying, "Stop your whining JOHNNYLEEN! At least you don't have to deal with a cervical spreader!" Well, my answer to that is that this is the JOHNNYLEEN webpage, and that's me, baby. So if you want to talk about gynocological torture instruments, you should set up your own webpage. So there! The Great and Powerful JOHNNYLEEN has spoken. Next entry Previous entry Go to diary entries Go back home |