EPT (early pregnancy test) -
Blue means not pregnant.
Pink means pregnant.
Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.
***
A man walks into a bar sits down and say, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."
Man says, "Damn, what the hell is that?"
Bartender says, "Well we call it a Pabst Smir!"
***
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms calling her "Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and it seemed they were still very much in love.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago."
***
THINGS YOU LEARN AS YOU "MATURE"
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others.
They are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades,
and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children,
They will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
And all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
***
Dear Wife
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs, which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight.
Signed,
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, don't wait up.
Signed,
Your loving wife
