5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Going for the gooey duct
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Making tartar sauce for the fish sticks
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Playin' the slots
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-auras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking the clam
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
***
This guy in a bar keeps hitting on a lesbian who is waiting for her date.
He just won't take no for an answer.
The lesbian smirks and says.
"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"
This guy thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"
***
A riddle for the intellectually minded...
The answer is at the end for those who cannot think this one through!
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old woman.
They are each thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
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Answer: Don't look down.
***
If you travel Southwest Airlines on Friday afternoon/evening commuter
flights you have probably heard most of these.
1. From a Southwest Airlines
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."
Two at the front, two over the wing and two at the rear.
2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.
Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land
It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing:
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
A lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing,
Please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message:
"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day.
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am,"said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
***
Public Statement
Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, which resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite of her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.
Sincerely,
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
