FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagara,
in a new, easy-to-take liquid form.
It is sold under the name "Mydixadrill."
Now, when men come home from work in the evening,
they can pour themselves a stiff one.
***
A short quiz and some observations...
Do you know who, in 1923 was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now almost 80 years later, do you know what became of these men?
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, committed suicide.
In that same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship,
Gene Sarazan, won both the US Open and PGA Championship.
He died in 1999 at the age of 95, played golf until he was 92,
and was financially solvent at his death.
Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and other bullshit and start playing golf.
***
After the big Superbowl party, Todd figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the Four Play?" says Todd.
"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."
***
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one-day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
***
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says, "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya)
and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw!, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
***
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
