A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school,
I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
***
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch,
in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
***
A young girl walks in on her parents having sex.
She asks, "Mom, what are you doing to Dad?"
Mom, embarrassed, replies, "I was just letting the air out of him-he's too fat."
The little girl replies, "Why? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again."
***
Why do men have so much trouble making eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
***
A butcher was minding his store one-day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter.
The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer.
He called up his neighbor and said "Your dog stole meat from my store.
I believe you owe me for the meat."
The lawyer said, " You are correct. How much was the meat?"
The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day.
The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 "for legal consultation."
***
An old man and a young woman are stuck in an elevator and the building is on fire.
The young woman asks:
"Sir I am interested what would you do if you thought you only had twenty minutes to live?"
"Well, I think I would screw anything that moved. Why what would you do?"
"Well, under the circumstances, I think I would remain perfectly still."
***
The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Ellie-May's a fine young gal!!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"
***
Real people said this stuff.....
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
* Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion)
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
* George Burns
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
"'Hold my purse.' "
* Sandra Bullock
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
* Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
* Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
* Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
* Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
"Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
* Tiger Woods
