You need only two tools in life.
WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
Some people are working backstage,
some are playing in the orchestra,
some are onstage singing,
some are in the audience as critics
and some are there to applaud.
Know who and where you are.
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
***
THE FRENCH HORN
"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?"
"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.
"You were really looking forward to it, I remember How'd it go?"
"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..."
"Oh, really?" said Lucille
Diane painfully said, "Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."
***
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation,
she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
***
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.
He passes the redhead, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the brunette, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the blonde, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
***
CHILDREN
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
Is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it."
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
***
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married,
and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
***
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
***
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment "Honor thy father and thy mother,"
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
***
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
