Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland?
In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage.
People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.
***
Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.
"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime.
Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."
"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas!
***
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled,
"And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
***
"Your honor, "explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please."
"All right, what is your age?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And the age of the bride?"
"She's 15, sir."
"15? That's too young! Marrying you would be against the law!"
"I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"
***
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground possibly by someone who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "THIS is what You sent to help me????"
But, she was desperate, so she tried to be thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.
She said, Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH....You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and I've only been out for about an hour."
"The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears and cried out loud....
"THANK YOU LORD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!!!!"
***
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from the skipping."
