"No wonder Al Gore thinks he is president - this is a most confusing time.
The leading rap singer is white,
the world'sbest golfer is black,
and Bill Clinton just got back from Vietnam."
***
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.
Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
***
A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"
Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.
Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw.
With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers.
He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"
***
Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?
Because when she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
***
Why is sex with your wife like a 24 hour market?
There's not much variety, but what else is open at 3:00 in the morning?
***
There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant. "Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the darkest skinned men boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.
"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
"No ma'am," One of them replied, "We have a note here from the Lieutenant, and it reads,
'Dear Madam, thank you for you generosity. We are honored to comply with your special request, and I assure you, these four are not Jewish?????.Lieutenant Goldstein.'"
***
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed.
So what he did next was awesome, and has since become legendary:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
***
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house
and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is, my stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
***
Women Tell Your Daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
