Two lesbian ladies walk into a house of ill repute.
They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The madam says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
Jill and Debbie make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"
The madam says, "No. I refuse to serve minors to lickers."
***
A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness. As soon as she had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar she was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.
"Say, bitch...I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."
Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied,
"Thanks, but I've already got an ass-hole in there."
***
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off, enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles.
Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway.
So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically half of these are driven by females; that's 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449.
According to the National Institutes of Health 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY,
I drive past at least one female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off!
***
The teenage granddaughter comes down for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show."
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging plants."
***
WOMEN:
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
