Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's--all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
***
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, Oh shit, that's easy, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
***
A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old.
He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old.
He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him 'Doctor'!"
"And me,
I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the Fucking Jew'."
***
What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
...Shoot him again.
How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
...When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
...His body.
Why do little boys whine?
...Because they're practicing to be men.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
...Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
...Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
...You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
...Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
...To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do men name their penises?
...Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
...Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
...To stop the snoring before it starts.
***
An elderly couple were sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife,
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial,
"You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
