A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild.
Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects
a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles,
slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen,
so she calls the video store to complain.
Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Mary: "Head Cleaner"
***
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"
***
It has come to the attention of researchers of the Food and Drug Administration that previously unanticipated complications, result when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax. Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.
The researchers have concluded that the result is that you end up both coming and going at the same time.
It *really* gets complicated when Prozac is taken with the other drugs, because then, you really don't give a shit if your coming or going.
***
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. So, the Rabbi went to his congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that as the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get very expensive, so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much dissension amongst the congregants.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the congregation. "Having children is an act of God," he said.
In the back a little old man with a full beard stood up and in a frail voice said, "Point of information, snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of either one, we wear rubbers."
***
PAPER OR PLASTIC?
I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me, firmly embracing a beautiful brunette, and they were sharing a rather passionate French kiss.
As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked the blonde, "Paper or plastic?"
"It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."
***
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"
***
Three men were talking about their favored sexual positions.
The first one said, "I like to be on top, it gives me a sense of power".
The second says, "I like to be on the bottom, I can then see and play with her tits."
The third one says, "I like to have some excitement in my life, so I like to have a RODEO Ride."
The other two asked "What's a Rodeo Ride?"
"Well, you grab your woman, bend her over and go for it from behind, making sure you have a firm hold on her. Then when you see she's enjoying it, you say to her
"You know, this is exactly how your sister likes to get it too, Then try and hold on for 8 seconds".
***
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the Abdomen. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out."
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened...you were urinating and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!
