1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 oz. lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
***
5 stages of sex
1) The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
***
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he asks, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
***
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
***
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, " It's the cobblestones."
