Jack and Jill went up the hill
With suitcase full of toys
Jack came down, he had a frown
Now Jill's not into boys.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have some kinky sex
Jill came down all gagged and bound
Now Jack is back with his Ex.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass,
And now two of his front teeth are missing.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
Each one had a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents,
Do you think they went for water?
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
For just an itty bitty.
Jill is now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.
***
Relief for A Stressful Day
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.
There now. Feeling better?
***
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the lifecycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old-age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating.
??...And you finish off as an orgasm."
***
TOO MUCH BUSH AND GORE ON TV
The 2 major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.
The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.
Vice President Al Gore, his democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much Bush.
***
At a party, a woman was observing a child who would hold his chest whenever he bent down.
After a few minutes, the woman asked the kid, "Why do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?"
The kid said, "One day, my teacher was writing on the board, the chalk fell down,
And when my teacher bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs comes out of her chest."
***
An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes
"Hello toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you're 82 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer, every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor?
Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello knees", he proceeded. "How are you, knees? You know, you're 82 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together.
Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! If you were alive today, you'd be 82 years old!!"
***
A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour
and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight." Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his copilot, yawned, and said, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to take me a big healthy shit,
and then I'm gonna fuck the brains outta that pretty blonde flight attendant working in coach."
His announcement went over the whole plane.
The pretty blonde flight attendant in coach heard this and exclaimed, "Oh, my God!" and started running towards the cockpit.
An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, "Relax, honey, he's gotta take a shit first."
