Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
***
For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of reality.
When you are blue,..........
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile,............
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared,.........
I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,.........
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused,........
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick.........
Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.
When you are sad,.............
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you fall......
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...............
I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?........
Because you're my friend.
***
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
"You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 17 to 2."
***
First Grade..... true story
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
"Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "'Holy Sh__! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
***
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? "
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,
"Ask him again where the damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
