that he had just met the woman of his dreams.
Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,
and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later
His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
***
Letter From Grandma
Dear Son,
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love,
Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
***
A man was complaining:
Oh Lord; please have mercy on me,
I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife" she's got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stops at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1: 00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep.
At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there were some more duties and some how he managed to get them done and finally fell asleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again:
Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying:
Dear son of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.
***
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Any one in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this!"
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engine! s."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your pickup truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
***
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?" the neighbor asked.
"I have to admit I did though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
