I bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.
When she's in a good mood it turns GREEN.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a RED mark on my forehead.
***
The teacher had caught Johnny gambling several times. She requested a conference with Johnny's dad who admitted that he also had tried to break Johnny of his gambling habit.
After many failed efforts, Johnny one day (after school) called the teacher a hypocrite.
"Why do you say that, Johnny?" she asked.
"Because you are."
Again she asked, "Why?"
He said, "Because you're not a true blonde."
She demanded to know how much money Johnny had. It came to about $50. She bet him $50 dollars she was a true blonde. She went behind her desk and removed her panties. Then she stood with her back to the door and pulled her dress up showing her radiantly blonde pubic hair. Afterwards she called the father and told him what she had done "in Johnny's best interest."
The father moaned and groaned and cried, "Oh, no," numerous times.
The teacher said, "Look, I did this for Johnny. Do you think it was easy for me to pull up my dress and show Johnny my pussy? I'd think you'd be understanding instead of critical!"
The father replied, "Oh, I'm not so upset that you showed Johnny your pussy, it's just that?..."
"Just that what?" the embarrassed teacher asked.
The father replied, "It's just that I decided to break Johnny of betting myself, and this morning I bet him that he was wrong when he boasted that before the day was over, he'd have you lifting your skirt and showing him your pussy."
***
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed for the first tee, and the fourth went to the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-car dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes fully loaded."
The third man said, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and is doing so well, he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the first tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned that, "We were just talking about our sons, how is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boy friends gave him a house, a new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.
***
A young blonde girl was telling her friend about her sex life, she says, "Oh my God! It was really great, but I was SOOOooooooo scared after his rubber broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."
***
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
He asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three Knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "you're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back"
***
The cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
"What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.
The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
"OK. If you are so good, what time is it?"
The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It 2 o'clock."
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"
The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian lying on a blanket.
"Don't tell me.... You're telling time also?"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
"Okay smart ass, what time is it?"
The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4 o'clock."
The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.
"Don't tell me you're telling time!?"
Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"
***
An Army Colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant!" the Colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yes, sir," the Sergeant replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yes, sir," the Sergeant replies.
"Then what's his problem?" the Colonel asks.
The Sergeant salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
***
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home.
Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home.
Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late.
That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
***
Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for attempting to cause the same damage to her husband that Lorena had inflicted on her spouse.
The sister didn't hit the mark and stabbed her husband in the leg by mistake.
She has been charged with a misdeweiner.
***
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV......
'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "
