B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
So ladies, next time somebody calls you a BITCH
SMILE.........and say thank you!!!!
***
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were given two six packs of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men:
gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional,
couldn't drive,
failed to think rationally,
argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
***
FOOTBALL MOVES IN SEX
Hike = Up the rear
Reverse = 69
Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky
2pt. conversion = multiple orgasms
Prevent Defense = Condom/protection
Face Mask = guy pulls girl head down
Shotgun = Touchdown in a car
Two minute warning = Guy/Girl gives a warning before cumming
Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night
Huddle = Multiple participants
Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex
Illegal use of the hands = Masturbation
Ball Hog = Slut
Onside Kick = Making up after a fight
Double Header = Two times in the same night
Tight End = Virgin
Wide Receiver = Girl that's loose
False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)
Pass Interference = Some kid interrupts before you can get some
Fumble = cheating (problem in the relationship)
Putting it through the uprights = self explanatory
Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo
Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities
Double Coverage = Two condoms
***
THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit of Honey so he took Miss Hershey behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and 5th Avenue. He began to feel her Mounds and that was pure Almond Joy, which made her Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker as his Butterfingers went up her Kit-Kat and cause a Milky Way. She screamed "Oh Henry" as she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts. Miss Hershey said, "your better than the Three Musketeers". Soon she was a bit Chunky, and nine months later had a Baby Ruth.
***
John, looking very dejected, was asked, "what's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law, I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up, man, Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets theirs' pregnant."
***
Giving credit to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.
They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."
***
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."
***
Subject:Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
_______________________________________________________
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all,
you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The management
***
One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation. Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was.
The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.
Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."
***
IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY BECAUSE...
Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat!
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
***
A feisty 70 year old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some
oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It took you five minutes.
"The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.
The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
***
A baby was born and was so advanced, he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am", the doctor replied.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned for him to come closer.
Then poked him real hard on the forehead with his index finger several times saying, "Hurts doesn't it?!"
