"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
The preacher sat down.
The deacon stood up.
"For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 and sing,
'We Shall Gather At The River'."
***
as only a child could do......
This is dedicated to everyone that has been embarrassed by a child's words or actions.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while.
So I asked him, and he said "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just knew that he must have had, cause the smell was getting worse. Soooo.........I asked one more time.
"Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.........
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified......... but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
***
Julie and Joe got married, and as they were old-fashioned, they had never had sexual relations.
On their wedding night, as Joe began to get undressed his twisted and mangled toes came into view, causing Julie to gasp.
"Oh," he said, "I should have told you before now, I contracted Tolio as a child".
"Tolio," she said, "don't you mean Polio"?
"No," he said, "look at my toes, I had a severe case of Tolio".
Julie agreed with that. As Joe continued to undress, his multi-colored and deformed knees came into view, again causing his new spouse to gasp.
"After the Tolio, I contracted the Kneasles," Joe said.
"Kneasles," Julie replied, "you don't mean Measles"?
"No," he said, "look at my knees, I had the Kneasles"
As Joe continued to undress, taking off his pants.
Julie screamed out loud, "Oh NOOOooo, you caught the Small Cox, too"!!!
***
Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
***
You may be a Redneck if:
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people"
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this"
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines"
Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
***
One day, Little Johnny's mother walks by her young son's room and him masturbating.
Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married.
A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with Little Johnny.
"How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.
Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"
***
"Shit" may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and Shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along if you give a shit
***
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.
Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
***
The Perfect Drug
No moving parts, no batteries. no monthly payments and no fees
Inflation proof, nontaxable, in fact, it's quite relaxable
It can't be stolen, won't pollute, one size fits all, do not dilute.
It uses little energy, but yields results enormously.
Relieves your tension and your stress, invigorates your happiness
Combats depression, makes you beam, and elevates your self esteem!
Your circulation it corrects without unpleasant side effects It is,
I think, the perfect drug, may I prescribe, my friend,... the hug!
(and, of course, it is fully returnable!)
***
Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the three advantages of breast milk."
Quickly he wrote:
1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.
2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system.
Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:
3. It comes in such nice containers.
***
A DOG'S RESOLUTIONS
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose in her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
***
Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother,
praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ...but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can
many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty;
try turning it to the "on" switch.
7. Always take credit for miracles.
If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
***
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife.
After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little just out of the corner of his left eye.
***
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is............'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that
time of the month.'"
***
An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date.
The drunk just won't take no for an answer.
"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.
The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"
***
President Clinton was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?"
The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500."
To the Redhead he asked the same question.
She replied "I will spend all the time you want for $1,000."
To the Brunette he asked the same question.
And she said, "If you can raise my skirt as high as you've raised my taxes, and can get your pants as low as my wages, and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now, and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"
***
WARNING: Issued By The Southern Tourism Bureau To All Visiting Yankees
1) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of
here.
2) Don't laugh at southern peoples names. (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba,Gertrude, Joe Bob, Sudie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, Billy Bob etc.) These people have been known to whup a mans ass for less.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a beating. Down south its called Coke. It don't make a damn whether its Pepsi, 7-Up, or whatever else; it is a Coke.
4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC (Tennessee, Auburn, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.) All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.
5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb, because we will whup your ass.
6) Don't order steak at the Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.
7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits.
8) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will insight a riot.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home. Delta is ready anytime you are...
10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games. So dont come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn.
11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners do understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go home.
12) Last but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to make Bar-B-Q. This will get your ass shot. You're lucky we let you come down here. Question our Bar-B-Q and go home in a pine box.
***
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he
bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife, legs spread wide, was not wearing
any underwear! Shocked by this, John...upon trying to sit up again...hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed him and asked. "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, yes he did.
She said..."You can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.
She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00PM Friday afternoon. When Friday rolls around, John shows up at Bill's house for the planned tryst with his wife at 2:00PM sharp...and after paying her the agreed upon, $500.00, they go to her bedroom and close their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dresses and leaves.
As was his habit, at 6:00PM, Bill returned home from work. Upon entering the House and encountering his wife he asks abruptly... "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answers... "Why yes, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skips a beat when her husband curtly asks... "And did he give you $500.00?"
In terror she assumes she's somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face she replies... "Well, yes...in fact he did give me five hundred dollars."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprises his wife by saying... "Good, I was hoping so. John came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.
