Three gays were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would be.
The first decides on football, because of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants.
"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little costumes, and think of the holds, ooh!"
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy.
"Why?"
Well, I'd be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a ground ball right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, 'Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' And that's what I like; the recognition."
***
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and
it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera.
It's to my parents' house in Philadelphia for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes. He bought me a Honda."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
***
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says,
"Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.
"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk.
***
ALIEN SEX
Dear Earthling,
Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this text file. As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass me on to someone else because I'm really horny.
***
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl .... and re-bait the trap.
