After the long lecture about everything from intercourse
to transvestites to doggy-style to oral and anal sex,
his dad asks him, "Why do you want to know?"
The boy says, "Because mom said dinner will be ready in a few secs."
***
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?"
He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
Two calves that will never become cows...
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
A chest that won't hold linen...
Two tits that won't give milk...
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
A belly button that won't button...
Two balls that won't roll...
An ass that won't pull a plow...
An organ that won't play music...
A cock that won't crow...
....And now ladies what the HELL are YOU laughing about?
You've got a pussy that won't even catch mice!!
***
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose, but I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
***
Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"
"Beerfuck." was his reply.
***
BENEFITS OF BEING FEMALE
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
We don't have to get our strength up between sessions nd it's much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
Taxis stop for us....and we can negotiate method of payment.
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
***
A list of possible slogans - Promoting National Condom Week
Cover your stump before you hump
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
Don't be silly, protect your willy
When in doubt, shroud your spout
Don't be a loner, cover your boner
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
If you go into heat, package your meat
While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
Especially in December, gift wrap your member
Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
The right selection will protect your erection
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
A crank with armor will never harm her
No glove, no love!
.... Which condom would you use....??
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
MCI: For friends and family
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
***
A woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress. As she bent over to examine the tenth mattress she had considered, she suddenly let out a horrendous fart.
"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was helping her.
"Heck, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price on that one, your gonna shit!"
***
LOVE, LUST OR MARRIAGE
LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST: When your vibes meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE: When your glares meet across a crowded room
LOVE: When your partner sez "Let's make love"
LUST: When your partner sez "Let's screw"
MARRIAGE: When your partner sez "You want me to do what?"
LOVE: When Spring fills your heart anew
LUST: When Spring means you can do it outside
MARRIAGE: When Spring means yard work
LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have
LUST: When you argue who gets on top
MARRIAGE: When you argue about everything
LOVE: When you share everything
LUST: When you want everything
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything
LOVE: Mutual Climaxes
LUST: Multiple Climaxes
MARRIAGE: Climaxes ???
LOVE: When you phone just to say, "Hi"
LUST: When you phone to pick a hotel room
MARRIAGE: When you phone to finish an argument
LOVE: When you write poems
LUST: When you write porn notes
MARRIAGE: When you write checks
LOVE: Consider abstinence
LUST: Consider aphrodisiacs
MARRIAGE: Consider assassination
LOVE: When you're concerned for your partner's feelings
LUST: When you're concerned how long they can last
MARRIAGE: When you're concerned what's on TV
LOVE: When your farewell is "I love you too"
LUST: When your farewell is "So, same time next week ?"
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is a muttered obscenity
LOVE: "Oh, that was wonderful"
LUST: "Oh, not already ?"
MARRIAGE: "Oh no, not again ?"
LOVE: When you're proud to be seen with your partner
LUST: When you only see each other naked
MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake
LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE: When your stomach turns every time you see them
LOVE: "When will I see you again ?"
LUST: "When can we do this again ?
MARRIAGE: "When's dinner ?"
LOVE: When nobody else matters
LUST: When nobody else knows
MARRIAGE: When anybody else matters
LOVE: When the songs on the radio describe how you feel
LUST: When the songs on the radio determine how you do it
MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio
LOVE: When you need to do things with your partner
LUST: When you need to do things to your partner
MARRIAGE: When you need your golf/tennis partner
LOVE: When you never want to leave
LUST: When you never want to stop
MARRIAGE: When you never want to go home
***
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name; Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.... The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on
Mycoxafailin.
***
"Doctor, I've got this problem," a man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave
work at the end of the day, she really works me over."
"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."
"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells..."
***
Observing his female coworker's tight fittin' jeans, a man asked in wonderment and admiration, "How DO you get into those pants?"
"Oh, some nice flowers, a little wine, and dinner at a chic restaurant is usually a good start," she replied.
***
A blonde, 92 year-old man (they do exist) went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You got a heart murmur. Be Careful"
***
A gay guy walks into a barber shop. He says to the barber. "Sir how can I make hair grow on my chest?"
The barber replies, "Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real thick..."
That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner climbs into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on his chest, and says, "What the hell is this?"
The other man replies, "The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on my chest hair would grow."
His partner replies, "You dummy, if that were the case you would have a pony tail hanging out of your ass right now!!"
***
Why Vibrators are better than men......
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate.
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
They don't get tired after the first time.
You never have to lie to a vibrator by saying it was good or that you had an orgasm.
Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!
Vibrators don't hog the remote ... Nor the computer!!
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever you want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
You don't have to suck it.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
They never drink too much and embarrass you.
You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!
Safe sex without a rubber
Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!
They never ask how they were.
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to stroke its ego.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
It has no problem finding the "g spot."
You know exactly where its been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
Vibrators don't get jealous if you have 2 or more.
