Pluralism
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of mouse should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.
***
Shakey went to a psychiatrist.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
***
An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: Without her, man is nothing."
***
Found in an emergency-room report: "Patient was struck in the head while playing rugby with another individual's head."
Printed on the back of a bottle of dog shampoo: "Cruelty free--not tested on animals."
Found in a report in the Woodbine, Iowa "Twiner" about a domestic dispute: Deputies stayed on location until the male party removed his clothing and left the residence."
In Grant's Pass, Oregon "Daily Courier: "La Nina is characterized by cooler waters in the eastern Pacific and wetter water in the western Pacific."
***
ADVICE FOR LIFE
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never pet a burning dog.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' - Alistair J.R. Young
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.
Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future.
***
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ....
and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,
but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy
-Erica Jong-
I want to have children, but my friends scare me.
One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.
I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner-
I've been on so many blind dates,
I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman-
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck-
If high heels were so wonderful,
men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man;
if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinem-
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog that growls every morning,
a parrot that swears all afternoon,
and a cat that comes home late at night
-Marie Corelli-
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith-Summerskill
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee-
I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house -
Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
***
Two little boys were arguing. "My father is better than your father!"
"No, he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No, he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
The second boy paused. "Well, I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."
***
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