You KNOW you're a nurse when......
You believe every patient needs TLC : thorazine, Lorazapam, and compazine.
You hope that there is a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.
Your bladder expands roughly to the same capacity as a Winnebego's water tank.
You believe the gene pool could use a little chlorine.
You see stress as a normal way of life.
You have a tendency to laugh at your patients "BIG PROBLEMS"
Your sense of humor seems more warped each year.
You think that pizza, cookies, and coke make a balanced meal.
You believe that saying, "It can't get worse." causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
You refer to a newborn as a FLK (funny looking kid) and the parents as FLP.
You ever wolfed down a sandwich while emptying your bladder.
You wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom (GOD!! This is ME!!!) :)
You believe PIA (Pain In the Ass) is a acceptable admitting diagnosis.
You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk)
Not only does your watch tell time, but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30, and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.
You call burn victims "crispy critters"
You've ever had a patient look you directly in the eye & say, "I don't know how that go stuck in there."
You say to yourself, "Great Veins" when looking at complete strangers in the grocery store.
You've ever bet on someones blood alcohol level.
You believe in the serial spraying of Prozac. (YES I DO!!!)
You believe the ER waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
You know its a full moon without looking at the sky. (OMG!!!! - YES!!!)
***
Merger Mania
A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild!
What if there was a merger involving Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Keebler? It could be called Poly-Warner-Cracker!
Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo.
What if 3M merged with Goodyear? mmmGood!
What if John Deere merged with Abitibi-Price? Deere Abi!
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil could be: Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining could be: Mine, All Mine
3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company might have been 3 Penney Opera.
Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women might be called "Knott NOW" if they merged.
Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer better watch out if they join, they would be called "Crab Apple".
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds had better not merge, or they would be called "Swisscheese"!
Can you guess what the four firms Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining might be called?
Zip Audi Do Da!
***
THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you
... Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you are not going to the
store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."
10. My Mother taught me about SEX...."How do you think you got here?"
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS..."You're just like your father."
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand.
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll "give" you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER- "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
***
Three moles are sitting around in their mole hole bored as can be. One mole gets a bright idea to band together to look for honey. All three moles agree and proceed to search for honey. Since the mole passageways are very narrow, all three moles have to line up single file during their search.
Suddenly, the first mole yells out to the other two, "Hey, do you guys smell honey?"
The third mole pipes up and says "All I can smell from here is molasses".
***
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of course..."
(Scroll down please...)
You're gonna love this...
It's worth waiting for...
"The Czech is in the male."
***
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a repast of lightly saut�ed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't think so."
***
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a full boat. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The curious warden asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words,
"Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
***
Don't ever try to tell me that Louisiana folks do not know how to fight crime! In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the NOPD (New Orleans Police Department.) The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit, which was released into the forest.
The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.
The NOPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.
***
Cat: The Other White Meat
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over ...
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
Grow Your Own Dope...Plant A Man.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist ... Isn't that precious.
I need someone really bad ... Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
***
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35". He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches". Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night". Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get sc
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