What did the fish say when he ran into the cement wall?
DAM!
***
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
Don't take life to serious, you're not getting out alive anyway.
I got a gun for my wife, Best trade I ever made.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.
I'm not a complete idiot, Some parts are missing.
Where there's a WILL......I want to be in it!
People who do the world's real work, don't usually wear neck ties.
I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
Quote from a Boss: "I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was going to blame it on you.
Right now I'm so far behind, I'll never die.
***
Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever. There were hookers giving blowjobs "a la go-go", strippers as far as the eye could see, tons of food, great weed, and of course, some great porno flicks on a wide screen digital TV with THX surround sound.
Feeling the beer, Bob's dad stands up and hollers to get everyone's attention. "I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."
"But, Pop," Bob said, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
Bob's dad interrupted and said, "Like I said, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."
***
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it and make it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"
***
Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mr.Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
***
She offered her honour.
He honoured her offer.
And all night he was on her and off her.
***
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
***
A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, " Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
The passenger said, "Who?"
The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."
The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood."
The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."
The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."
The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"
The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"
***
About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, "Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?"
Answered Gorbachev, "Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'"
"What did he say?" Bush asked.
"He said that was him, so I hired him."
Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. "Thanks, Mikhail. Great idea!"
As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House. "Dan," he said, "I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?"
Quayle looked rather puzzled. "Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?"
He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, "I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy." Quayle called Baker on the phone. "Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?"
"That would be me," Baker replied.
Quayle broke into a big smile. "Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time."
He went running to the West Wing, couldn't get there fast enough, and burst into the Oval Office.
"Mr. President, I have the answer!"
"Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?"
"It's Jim Baker!" said Quayle.
"No," said Bush. "It's Shevardnadze."
