Bumper Stickers we'd all like to see:
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
***
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"
***
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt you're dead anyhow.
Satan: What about Drugs?!?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That'sThursday Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: (grimaces). Oooooooh...You're gonna > hate Fridays.
***
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist. So off she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
***
Q: What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A: A licker cabinet.
***
The teacher was doing her vocabulary section where each student would have to use a word in a sentence to show they knew what it meant.
"Little Suzy," said the teacher, "Use the word definitely in a sentence."
Little Suzy then said "I definitely will eat lunch today."
Little Johnny shot up his hand and yelled, "Teacher, teacher, do farts have chunks?"
The teacher then said, "No Johnny they don't."
"Then teacher," proclaimed little Johnny, "I definitely shit my pants!"
