SUCCESS (the definition of)
At age 4, success is......................not peeing your pants.
At age 10, success is.....................having friends.
At age 20, success is.....................having sex.
At age 40, success is.....................making money.
At age 60, success is.....................having sex.
At age 70, success is.....................having friends.
At age 80, success is.....................not peeing your pants.
***
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
******
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him if he would keep her operation completely confidential? He asked why? She said, "The lips on my vagina are too large and I want a reduction, but I don't want anyone to know about it."
"I see, said the doctor. After thinking about it, he agreed.
She had the operation and woke up to find three roses on her = pillow. Furious that people knew about her operation, she rang for the doctor. He came in and she said," Why did you tell anyone to send me roses?"
He said, "Calm down, the first rose came from me because I felt sorry that you had to go through this alone."
"Who the hell gave me the second one?"
"The nurse who assisted in the operation," said the doctor.
"And the third?" "The guy from the burn unit who wanted to thank you for his new ears.
***
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
***
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?
***
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
***
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
***
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end."
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail"...
***
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"
***
Grandma Knows.
The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
