On the first day of college, the
Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the
first time."
He continued:
"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
***
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Go to the theatre."
***
Two buddies were sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy who was sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy.
"He's not even a very good conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows!"
***
Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act. Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed. Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.
Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
***
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband."
***
This beautiful woman one-day walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks; "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes, that's why I am here!"
***
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
10.Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
***
Women's Bumper Stickers
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
24. WHO LIT THE FUSE ON YOUR TAMPON?
***
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says, "Not yet!"
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet!"
Finally they ask, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries!"
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The 65-year-old mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it!"
***
A lady walks into an ice-cream store and asks for a pint of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says, "I'm sorry but we are out of chocolate ice-cream today."
"Okay," says the lady, "then I'll have a gallon of chocolate ice-cream."
Again, the man says, "I'm sorry, but we have no chocolate ice-cream today. Is there another flavor you would like?"
The lady then says, "Okay, then give me a half gallon of chocolate ice-cream."
Losing his patience, the man asks, "Do you see the word 'VAN' in vanilla? If so, spell it."
The lady replies, "Yes. V-A-N."
The man then asks, "Okay, now do you see the word 'STRAW' in strawberry? If so, spell it."
The lady spells again replies, "Yes. S-T-R-A-W."
The clerk replies, "Very good. Now, do you see the word 'FLIP' in chocolate? If so, spell it."
The lady thinks for a second and retorts, "Hey, there's no 'FLIP' in chocolate!"
The man, realizing he got his point across, exclaims,
"Right! That's what I've been trying to tell you! There is no flippin' chocolate!"
***
THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices, and strawberries all count as fruit,
So eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
***
One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about
it?"
The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby."
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby.
That's how you get jewelry."
***
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
***
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chimes in; "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace.'"
This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say
'Your Eminence.'"
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well...?"
To which she smugly replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied stripper.
When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh My God....'"
