THE FOUR KINDS OF SEX
The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period,
you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage,
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps
have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other
in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
***
My other half:
So here I sit, in all my glory...
Lend me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story...
I once had a wife--she was such a dear,
Then came the Net, and it all disappeared!
Now there she sits, for hours on end...
don't care where I'm goin', don't care where I've been.
It could be three, or it could be nine...
she really doesn't care, long as she's online.
She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in yelling at me, "Get off the phone!"
Where is the hug? Where is my kiss?
But she's at the computer--that's all she missed!
Talking to cyber friends, checking the mail....
I might as well be in a Cyber Jail!
My stomach's growling--it's so unfair!
No clean dishes and no clean underwear!
Drink me a beer, stare at the walls I'll pick at my teeth and roam the halls,
Farting and burping what a sight to see...
Can you believe she's there??
When she could be with ME!
***
Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the men tried to concentrate on their Saturday afternoon poker game. His father tried in every way to get Jimmy to occupy himself, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Jimmy by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle returned in a short time without Jimmy and without comment, and the game resumed.
For the balance of the afternoon, there was no trouble from Jimmy. After the game had ended and the players were settling their wins and losses, one of the men asked Jimmy's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Jimmy?"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I showed him how to jerk off."
***
There are these two statues in the park, a male statue, and a female statue, and they're both stark naked. For thousands of years they've been staring at each other. One day, a miracle brings them to life for an hour.
The male statue says, "Do you wanna do what I wanna do?"
The female statue says, "Oh, yeah."
They run into the woods. Twenty minutes later they come running back out, sweating and panting.
He says, "Let's rest up awhile, and then go do it again."
She says, "All right. Only this time, you hold the pigeons and I'll shit on 'em."
***
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
***
Marriage is not a man's idea. A woman must have thought of it.
Years ago some guy said, "Let me get this straight, honey.
I can't sleep with anyone else for the rest of my life, and
if things don't work out, you get to keep half my stuff?
WOW what a great idea."
***
Why do men find it so difficult to make eye contact with a woman?
Breasts don't have eyes!
***
"Things Not To Say To A Cop"
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, "Gee, Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
***
THE DRINKER'S ALPHABET
A- Alcohol: The key to surviving High School or College
B- Beer: It's what's for dinner...and breakfast and lunch
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after last night's party
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk usually looks pathetic
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F- F%&$ed Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, stripping and chugging beers
H- Hangover: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I- Idiot: What you look like after doing a lap dance on fat kid after just three beers
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home at 5 am
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to two dollar draft nite at the bar
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know...again
O- Oh sh%&!: What you say as you're falling down the stairs
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q- Quit: What you promise to do after spending the nite in jail with Bertha the Bearded Transvestite
R- Reform: What you promise God you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.
T- Twenty-one: Usually the age where you reach your peak of drinking
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in town
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohol's and the best way to make Jell-O
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelain God.
X- X-ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend.
Z- Zima: Zomething Different....Zomething Fun
***
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!". He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
***
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.
"What the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for example, is called NIKE, for the slogan "Just Do It". That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It Really Satisfies". The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the Customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex, Cause it Takes a Lickin' and keeps on Tickin'.
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So what do you call your penis?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, Lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.
***
The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
***
Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.
"I'm a veterinarian", said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vet".
As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon".
Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two.
"Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist..??I drive a brown Probe..."
***
More Things You Will Never Hear a Man Say:
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Her tits are just too big.
Sometimes I just want to be held.
That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.
Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
Screw "Monday Night Football," let's watch Melrose Place.
I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
It's late, put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?
Do these jeans come in lavender?
I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you, you go on ahead.
This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.
Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.
My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. I know my butt's too big.
It's okay, I'll sleep in the wet spot.
I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
Your mother's coming to stay with us again? Great!
I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
No way, you weeded the garden last week, it's my turn.
Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
I understand.
This movie has too much nudity.
Damn, we're late for church.
No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
Oversized T-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat chicks.
Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
***
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws!"
***
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
10. Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
12. War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
21. Crowded elevator smell different to midge
