Senior Revelation
Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. . .
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses. . They're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after
***
"Old" is when...
...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
...the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis.
...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
***
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died, "replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
***
A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus with his pockets bulging with golf balls next to a little old lady. The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
She quickly replied, "Does it hurt as bad as tennis elbow?"
***
Bill Clinton was assigned a new intern named Sally. Being the polite gentleman he is, Bill went to visit
Sally and ask her if she needed any questions answered.
She said no.
Bill asked, "Have you seen the presidential clock yet?"
Sally replied, "I haven't even heard of the presidential clock."
Bill then replied, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you."
Sally was a little taken aback, and she stated, "With all the problems you've had lately, I don't think we should."
Then Bill said, "Ah, it's just a clock and I promise I won't try anything"
Sally then agrees to go with him.
Bill leads her to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them and then drops his pants to the floor.
Sally is flabbergasted and says, "Mr. President, that is the presidential cock, not the presidential clock."
Bill looks at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."
***
READ THE FOLLOWING SIX STATEMENTS AND THE AMAZING CONCLUSION THEY LEAD TO:
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
***
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, " The Old Rugged Cross."
The Pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The Pastor said "Power!" The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."
Then the Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up
and began to sing.............."Precious Memories."
***
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
***
The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?"
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"
She giggles and says, "Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you >said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, "Mission Accomplished."
***
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
***
Bud and Jim are a couple of drinking buddies who work as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport is fogged in and they're stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me, too. Y'know, I heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels great! No hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim: Hey, how do you feel this morning?
Bud: I feel great. How about you?
Jim: I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?
Bud: No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangovers, nothing. We oughta do this more often.
Jim: Yeah, well, there's just one thing.
Bud: What's that?
Jim: Have you farted yet?
Bud: No.
Jim: Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix.
***
Did you ever think that if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat, instead of a turkey?
That we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?
