Three men and a woman are stranded on a deserted island.
After one week the woman is ashamed of what she's been doing,
so she kills herself. One more week goes by, and the men are ashamed
of what they've been doing, so they bury her.
***
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his
surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
***
Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.
Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like ... remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like .... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like ... road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... plastic wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.
Men are like ... department stores
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like .. cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
***
Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?'"
***
A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister and a Rabbi are discussing the question of: "When does life begin."
"Without any doubt" says the Priest, "Life begins at the moment of conception, when the sperm meets the egg."
"No, no!" says the Protestant Minister. "Life begins at the moment of birth, when the baby emerges."
"No way," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the last kid is out of college"
***
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"
***
TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM MEN WHO'VE HAD ENOUGH
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really! You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one.
Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress.
Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girl friends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your own damn oil.
It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
ALL comments are null and void in 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted in two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway' it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something,
but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
What the hell is a doily?
***
Jill was new in town, and still trying to find her way around.
She walked up to a man standing outside the school building.
"Can you tell me where the library's at?" she asked.
The man stared down at her, raised his eyebrows, and said in his stuffiest
voice, "Young lady, it is not proper to end a sentence with a preposition."
Jill stared back at him.
Then she said, "Okay, can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
***
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
***
When I was a kid we had a great neighborhood watch going...until she closed her curtains.
He is what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...battery operated!
There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogers' horse Trigger sued him for palomino-money.
Marriage - nature's way of stopping people from fighting with strangers.
OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?
I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Burger King and Pizza Hut.
I always keep a coat hanger in the glove box - just in case I locked my keys in the car.
When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.
Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other son of a bitch can find it.
My father never liked me. As a kid we'd play trains - he used to tie me to the tracks!
My mother never liked she used to give me bath toys like electric toasters and hair dryers.
Women! First they marry you for your money.... then they divorce you for it!
We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the Mercedes...
........then they kicked us out of the showroom.
I'm gradually getting my body back into shape ---
at least twice a week I think about doing some exercise.
You know when your losing you're figure when you come home and find your husband wearing your bra and panties ...
... and he looks better in them than you do.
My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive ... ...I have mixed feelings about that.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words,
...."Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been".
Enough is enough...unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!
***
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a
boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having
my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband
as a blonde!"
***
The Gays & Lesbians are going to vote Republican this year.
Yep, the gays like Dick, and the lesbians like Bush!
***
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
***
19 WAYS TO BE A WOMAN
1. Bitch
2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him,
and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when
your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, ie You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you
would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal
to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!"
6. Whine
7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement;
if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.
8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
11. Complain
12. Hate any bar he likes.
13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything ----
except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. these are required gifts proving his love.
14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the
stress of your life (also, see number 7).
15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE
and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.
16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him,
then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
***
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
***
"Little Golden Books That Never Made It"
Dad's New Wife Robert
Some Kittens Can Fly
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your school
***
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter.
Jews celebrate their holidays, like Passover and Yom Kippur.
Muslims have their holidays.
EVERY religion has its holiday. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays. It's an unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Well then . . . .....Why don't you celebrate April first?"
***
Leroy is a 18-year-old 9th grader. His homework assignment was to use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
This is what he turned in:
1) Foreclose - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.
2) Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady rectum both.
3) Hotel - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody.
4) Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to da big house.
5) Penis - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
6) Israel - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, "Man that looks fake." He said, "Bullshit. That watch Israel."
7) Catacomb - Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, somebody oughta give dat catacomb.
8) Undermine - There is a fine lookin' ho livin' in da apartment undermine.
9) Acoustic - When I was lil' my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.
10) Iraq - When we got to da pool hall, I tol my uncle, "Iraq, you break."
11) Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?
12) Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to da Nicks game, so I seldom.
13) Honor - At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who be honor first?"
14) Odyssey - I tol my brother, "You odyssey the tits on that ho."
15) Horde - My sister got in trouble because she horde around in school.
16) Tripoli - I was gonna buy my ol' lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a tripoli.
17) Fortify - I axed the ho how much? She said, "Fortify, honey."
18) Income - I just got in bed wit dis ho and income my wife.
***
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.
She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old, and look at me. I'm ugly and I'll never get married, so this is my husband."
The mother walked out of the room shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom.
When he entered the room, he found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I'm 40 years old now and I'm ugly.
I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home and found her husband with
a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV.
"What on Earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm having a beer and watching the football game with my son-in-law."
***
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished
to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table..."
"Well, alright, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
***
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL
convertible.
