BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then e-mails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS: (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.
PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
***
Parents' Dictionary
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you are angry with him /her.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented then yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing superman pajamas.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house
***
MY OATH TO YOU...
When you are sad,.............I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the fat scum sucking pig face who made you sad!
When you are scared,......... I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get you stinking cry baby!
When you are worried,.........I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused,........I will use little words to explain it to your dumb butt.
And when you are lost,........I will answer my cell phone and give you directions.
When you are sick.........I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.
When you fall......I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.
This is my oath...............I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend.
