HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 12 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
English . .. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . .. . . . . ... . . . . .Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . . Jag Alskar
New Orleans. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .Show me your Tits
***
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not sure why.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
***
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."
***
INTERESTING TRIVIAL FACTS
* The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
* The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
* American car horns beep in the tone of F
* No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
* 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
* The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
* A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
* The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springstein's "Born in the USA."
* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
* The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
* The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
* Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
* Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than ALL of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia..
* Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
* Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
* All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
* Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
* The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
***
Thoughts on Marriage
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
We were married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 50 pounds.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
A man celebrating his 75th wedding anniversary was asked to explain the secret of a long, happy marriage. He quickly responded, "when you have the last word in an argument, it had better be 'yes, ma'am' or 'no ma'am'".
***
A Doctor's Rounds...
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
***
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist church decided to do a big restoration job on their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint, and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:
.....You're going to love this.....
"Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"
***
The Good Ole Days
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up, if you even had one.
When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.
When nobody owned a purebred dog.
When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a miracle.
When milk went up one cent and everyone talked about it for weeks?
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school , if then.
When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot!
When laundry detergent (OR OATMEAL) had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! and some of us are still afraid of em!!!
***
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability
you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
