AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW - Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Bimbette Motor Weapon
Break My Window
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
GM - General Maintenance
Great Mistake
GMC- Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make OthersBehind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PINTO - put in new transmission often
PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac
SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
Sorry Assed Auto Builders
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW - Virtually Worthless
***
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says, "It's a pussy willow.
Old man says, "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."
***
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart.
***
A woman gets home, whirls her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door, and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! No shit?! What should I pack? Beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter . . . just get the fuck out!"
