NEW PROVERBS
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
***
Prison vs. Work
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.
Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
***
MEN ARE LIKE........
Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.
