The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession.
The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either
side of the divider.
"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful woman
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic,
and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess."
"It's worse, Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and told her that she had to repay
me for hiding in the attic by providing me with sexual favors."
The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very
difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands
if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy,
will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
***
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny (baby-sitter), we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to this father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit.
***
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
***
Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mr.Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
***
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
