Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four.
The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised. "Your four year old little brother???"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either."
***
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question...!"
***
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie.
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"You're a housewife."
***
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
***
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat.
She replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."'
