One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell God so. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you; We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
"But," God added, "we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.
"The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."
***
Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and IF she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
***
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
"Well, your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed out loud.
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
***
This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowjob... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"Baby..... don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he will come down and blow the guy himself, but for Christ's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom".
