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| ...Again, the window darkens with night and lights with day. Azalea and Roslyn enter together, in the middle of a heated debate. Azalea: Mom says the only reason you filed for custody of me was to keep me away from her. Roslyn: There may be an inkling of truth to that. Azalea: She says you two used to get along until my dad died. She said that's when you turned into a.... Roslyn: A *****? A mean old hag? Azalea: She says you really want to move south and live on the beach and find a husband, but you keep clinging to me because I'm an excuse for you to not have to move on with your life. Roslyn: That's not true. That's not true at all. Azalea: You could be a normal grandma if you didn't have me. Roslyn: If I didn't have you, I wouldn't be a grandma at all. And I wouldn't trade you for the world. Azalea: Mom says that when my dad died, you quit trying to be a good person. Roslyn: You know why she says that, don't you? Because I quit going to church. But I didn't quit trying. I tried and tried to get your mother to.... Azalea: To what? Roslyn: To be sad. Azalea: She is sad! Roslyn: I know that now. But at the time, I was sad. And I couldn't see that she had a different kind of sad than I did. Azalea: Why won't you date? Roslyn: I'm trying to be responsible. Azalea: Why do use me as an excuse!? Roslyn: You're not an excuse. You're a reason! Azalea: I'm an excuse! I don't want keep interfering with your life! Why did you ever even keep me!? Roslyn: You're my baby. Azalea: I'm your granddaughter! Roslyn: Maybe that's why I've tried so much harder with you than I did with your father. I used to be late to pick him up. I missed half of his ballgames. I never even knew about half of the things he was involved in - because between working and coming home to make dinner and clean I was so worn out that he didn't feel the need to bother me with it.... Azalea: Quit trying to be my mother! Roslyn: ...I fell asleep after dinner instead of talking to him. I fought with his father right in front of him. I couldn't afford to buy him new shoes or new clothes three times a year. And he was a good son. He was such a good good man. But ever since you were a little baby, I've made sure you had clothes that fit and good shoes.... Azalea: I never asked you for that! Roslyn: ...I've driven to every ballet and play and band rehearsal. I come to every performance. I make sure you get to go on all the trips. I help with your fundraisers. I've paid for clarinet lessons, and guitar lessons and gymnastics, only for you to quit after three weeks.... Azalea: I wasn't good at guitar! Roslyn: ...I've paid all my bills on time. I started going to church again. I make a point to communicate - even if it ends up fighting. I've picked up the pieces each time your mother let you down or someone broke your heart. I've been to every teacher's conference. I've sewn a hundred costumes by hand. I cook and cook and cook for you. All I have ever wanted since you were a baby was for you to have a good life. I just want you to be happy. And I never get it right. I never make you happy. Azalea: You can't use me to make up for the things in your past. Roslyn: I've only ever done my best. Or what I thought was my best. But how I ever reared such an ungrateful child I will never know. I should have let you wear old shoes. Then maybe you would have had some humility. And why it never occurs to you that our arguments always seem to happen over something your mother said or did, I can't figure out! Azalea: I love my mother. Roslyn: I know you do. You should. And I'm sure she loves you too. But why can't you see that I love you more than life itself? Why don't I date??? Why don't I vacation in France? Why haven't I retired yet? Why is my bathroom still that horrid green color? Why am I still carrying the same purse I was carrying last spring? Why don't I smoke? Why don't I get a newer car? ... Why haven't I given you back to your mother? Azalea: You should if I'm so much trouble to you! Roslyn: I must be foolish. Because I love you more than you could ever know - and you ... you hang on every word your mother says. You worship her. You have fun with her. And I just ... keep trying. Keep thinking that someday you'll see me. That someday you'll realize. Azalea: So you just give up everything for me and you expect me to think that's good? Roslyn: YES! Azalea: Nan. I do love you. And I know my mom is ****ed up. And yeah, I probably do take a lot of the things you do for me for granted. But I never asked you to give up yourself for me. Go on a freaking date. Get a new purse, for ***s sake. I know how to use a microwave. I don't need a new electric blanket on my bed this winter. Please! Roslyn: So you're saying that if I make you keep working part-time and refuse to buy you any more CDs, you'll like me better??? Azalea: No. I'm saying maybe I could identify with you more if ... if you would just be a normal person! I don't want you to just stay home and bake cookies! Remember when I was little and we used to go to the park and make mud-pies together? And you would pretend to eat them, and smear mud around your mouth? Roslyn: And you always put a dandelion on top because I told you that was my favorite flavor. Azalea: Sometimes I think no one really knows you anymore. Roslyn: I'm still right here - the same person I always was. So if there's something, specifically, that you'd like to see me do.... Azalea: You just don't get it. Roslyn: Neither do you. The lights fade again and we are left in silence for a long pause.... |