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PARTY

I see life as a party
In someone elses house
And I haven't been unvited in
Because I'm not allowed

No-one ever tells me
I'm not welcome to come in
It's just that there's a barrier
Between me and them

The barrier's not physical
It's only in my mind
But it really stops me living
Time and time again

Each time I walk into a pub
I feel that I'm left out
I'm left standing in the corner
While people dance about

I really do want to join in
I want to be a part
But I don't think they'll accept me
If they knew about my past

I know I'm not the same as them
I know I don't fit in
It's because of the affection
My dad showed when i was ten

I let him show he loved me
In a way I didn't know
It didn't only happen once
It went on and on and on

I felt so very bad insie
As though I had been soiled
But even then I loved my dad
And I didn't want that spoiled

As I grew into a teenager
I knew that something changed
Something deep inside of me
Something in my mind

I started to lose interest
In every thing around
I sank into deep depression
In blackness I was bound

For a long time it was living hell
Hell inside my mind
I knew I had to stop it
So I attempted suicide

I didn't want to kill myself
I just wanted to be free
From this hell on earth depression
From this dark and murky sea

After years of this depression
I took a stance one day
I thought I shouldn't have this guilt
It was him who preyed on me

My dad was wrong in what he did
He shouldn't have asked me
I was only ten years old
He was forty three

I knew I had to let it out
I had to set it free
And as I started talking
It began to set me free

It took me many many years
To get my mind restored
Now the barriers are dropping
And I'm opening the door

It may well take a long time yet
But one day I'll be set free
I'll open up that party door
and walk right in you'll see
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REAL

Each day I walk the lonely streets
They feel so cold even in the heat
People stare or turn away
For fear it could be them one day

They only see the clothes I wear
And in my eyes the black despair
The see my shoes are old and worn
Just like my soul all tattered and torn

I've lost track of how this came about
It's hard to say why I'm down and out
I've a million reasons why this came to be
But you don't care 'cause you've pre-judged me

You don't see the nights of terror
Or feel the beatings from your father
You don't see your mother slashed
Or wipe up the blood in the aftermath

You don't hear the silent screams
Or the fear that stalks you in your dreams
You don't feel the fear of waiting
'Cause when he gets drunk you know you'll be beaten

I'd dearly love to change my ways
To get a job and earn a wage
I'd really love to get a flat
With someone waiting, even a cat

But I know deep down this will never be
Because people are right to pre-judge me
I've been battered down since my day of birth
Called a waster and told I'm shit

You may think this is no big deal
No reason to cadge or beg or steal
But let me tell you something now
I live in shit 'cause It's all I know

One day this might all be changed
If you'd only let me have a say
I don't want to live like this
I want my life to be rebuilt

I only need someone to listen
To see I'm not some alchy demon
So please just stop and have a peek
Im just like you only tired and weak

We need to work this out together
To treat each other like a brother
Because you're not perfect mister goody good
Even you've got secrets in that little black book

Please accept me for who I am
not just a sterotype of a drunken bum
Please just take a look inside
I'm human, I feel, I hurt I cry
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