page_seventeen

WAGES

"It's time to go to work" He screams
While lying in his bed
And i think "Go to fuck"
"I wish that you were dead"

"You're running late" He screams again
"Oh go to hell" I think
He can't feel the terror
That makes me spew into the sink

I wish he knew the feeling
Of a churning wrenching gut
It happens every morning
As I head off out to work

I walk into the welfare shed
Where we all have our tea
Outside I hear them laughing
I think "God that's about me"

My mates just slag me constantly
Till I break down and cry
They find it really funny
But me? I want to die

I stand there on the Foc'sle walls
I think "Why don't you jump"
"One step and it would finnish"
"I wouldn't even feel the thump"

This wasn't over acting
I mean just what I say
I didn't think that I could handle it
Not even one more day

I tried to tell my dad this
He said "Just go away"
"You're just another loser"
"Who doesn't want to pay his way"

It's OK for him to shout abuse
and throw me out the door
He coldn't understand it
becaues he's never worked before

He shouts "You lazy bastard"
"Get to work or you're dead"
He throws me out into the street
And then he goes back to bed

He shouts of all the jobs he's had
And all the work he's done
My sisters say "Don't listen"
"He's never had a job. Not one"

Eventually it got to much
And I jumped off the Stern Frame
It didn't solve the problem
But it did get me away

They put me into hospital
With no choice for 14 days
This acted as a turning point
For me to change my ways

I found there that it wasn't wrong
To feel so paranoid
They understood the anger
From when I was just a boy

I didn't tell them everything
But they helped me undestand
That violenc against a child
can ruin him as a man

I never got another job
the fear was far to strong
At least now I can understand
Just where my life went wrong

So now that it's much later
I still can feel the pain
Of the agony that forced me
To jump off that Stern Frame
______________________________________

VICTIM

From a very early age
I didn't like what I could see
The drinking and the violence
It really frightened me

It made me feel quite different
From all my other friends
So I never really mentioned it
That way I could fit in

Even then it didn't feel right
I was still apart from them
So I tried a different accent
But they turned thier backs again

I tried walking with a difference
I tried squinting from one eye
This may sound quite silly
But then I was only Five

Then when I got older
I joined the Boys Brigade
I thought that I had done it
Surley now I'll be the same

That soon lost it's sparkle
As they treated me like shit
I only wanted to join in
The rejection hurt a bit

I seemed to have this mark on me
I don't know where or what
But everyone can see it
And they think I should be shot

So now I'm on to senior school
I'm the victim of class five
So i learned to be quite devious
In order to survive

I started telling everyone
"My dad's a millionare"
"He lives in the Bahamas"
"He has a yaught out there"

At first this was quite funny
But it became a way of life
By that time I was wondering
"Is this truth or is it lies?"

The confusion started growing
I did not know black from white
Until one day I told a doctor
about this inner fight

He said that he could help me
I said "I'll have a go"
He said "You'll have to open up"
"In this way you can grow"

He showed me over many years
That I'm really not that bad
We talked about the drinking
And the violence from dad

He also helped me look at things
In a very different way
He told me "Trying to change yourself"
Is a form of running away"

I had tostop and face myself
That's a very hard thing to do
But I found that when you run away
Your fears just follow you

I found out that my greatest fear
Was to turn out like my dad
But with help, I stopped his influence
Now I'm really not that bad
___________________________________