Murder At The Lyceum Acts 1 and 2
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The first two acts of a three act Victorian comedy whodunit

MURDER AT THE LYCEUM

by Jim Hollingsworth

Dramatised from the Mycroft Holmes story of the same title by permission of the author

CHARACTERS: 7M, 5F, some supernumeraries

SET: Two interiors: Mycroft Holmes's sitting room; backstage at the Lyceum Theatre. Three set changes.

LIGHTING: Interior, domestic, day. Backstage, theatre. Spotlights and a gauze necessary.

SYNOPSIS

The year is 1887; the place, Henry Irving's Lyceum Theatre, London. During a play, someone dies on stage. It is the work of an ingenious murderer, and Mycroft Holmes, brother of Sherlock, takes up the case. Mycroft has a reason for involving himself: his mistress is one of the suspects. He cannot enlist his brother's help, for Sherlock is in a state of nervous prostration after solving the mystery of the Sign of Four.

In his quest for the murderer, Mycroft contends with not only the bumbling Inspector Athelney Jones, but also aspiring author Sir Percival Blakeney, grandson of the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Irving and his leading lady, Ellen Terry, join the investigation and a coup de theātre enables Mycroft to unmask the killer on the stage of the Lyceum.

CHARACTERS

in order of appearance

5 F, 7 M

ANNA WEYBRIDGE, young actress, early twenties
MRS CATCHPOLE, landlady in early middle age
MYCROFT HOLMES, forty, auditor of books for Her Majesty's Government
SIR PERCIVAL BLAKENEY, aspiring playwright, same age as Mycroft
ARCHIBALD QUELCH, early thirties, actor
HENRY IRVING, forty-nine, actor-manager of the Lyceum Theatre, London
ELLEN TERRY, forty, lead actress at the Lyceum
SARAH BELL, young actress, early twenties
GEORGE MATTHEWS, young actor, mid to late twenties
DR WILLIAM MARSHALL, about thirty
INSPECTOR ATHELNEY JONES, early middle age, Scotland Yard detective
JULIA NELSON, mid-twenties, actress

Some of the cast to double as Lyceum extras and a police constable as follows: Mrs Catchpole, Athelney Jones and Julia as non-speaking extras for Act 2. Dr Marshall as another non-speaking extra Act 2 Scene 2. Archibald Quelch as non-speaking police constable Act 3 Scene 2; Mrs Catchpole as extra for same scene

Period: summer 1887
Place: London

ACT 1

A July morning in the sitting room of Mycroft Holmes's first floor apartment on the north side of Pall Mall. The window is downstage in the "fourth wall" which is what the audience are looking through. Door or exit L gives access to the first floor landing. Door or exit R to Mycroft's bedroom. Fireplace UC. A bachelor apartment, the room is elegantly furnished in the uncluttered fashion of the later nineteenth century. Tasteful Japanese prints and a few old undergraduate photos adorn the walls. Large Japanese screen UL corner. Mirror on stand or wall UL. Near the mirror is a small table laid with a chess board, the pieces set out in an unfinished game. On the table by the chess board is a large snuff jar. Table and dining chairs downstage R. Either side of the fireplace, two armchairs, at least one with wings. Very masculine furnishing and decor, reasonably tidy, but spartan.

The table is laid with the remains of breakfast: coffee pot, crockery, egg-cups, toast rack, marmalade jar etc. A copy of the "Times" is also on the table. A tray is ready for clearing the table. Mycroft's morning coat is carelessly slung over a chair.

Anna Weybridge, a lovely trim and vivacious little woman of twenty-three, enters R from bedroom, clad in her underwear, shoes and stockings. She is doing up her hair, which may be in the "Aesthetic" frizzed fashion of the period. Humming a tune, she crosses to the mirror, but pauses at the chess set and, after a moment's consideration, moves a piece. She then finishes her hair in the mirror. Meanwhile, bedroom door clicks shut and key turns. (In a set without practical doors this will be indicated by means of a sound effect, in which case Anna should notice the door locking.)

As Anna finishes her hair, a knock sounds off, and the voice of the landlady, Mrs Catchpole, is heard off

MRS CATCHPOLE (off) He's just finished breakfast, Sir Percival. He may be shaving.

SIR PERCIVAL (off) I do hope he's in. It's most important. He said he'd see me.

MRS CATCHPOLE (off) I'll go and find out, if you'd care to wait a few moments.

During this exchange, Anna whirls and makes for the bedroom. Finding the door locked, she changes tack, snatches up Mycroft's coat from the chair, and darts behind the screen putting on the coat. (In a set without practical doors she will simply show that she remembers the locked door and grab the coat as above.)

Enter L Mrs Catchpole, who crosses to the bedroom door

MRS CATCHPOLE Mr Holmes. A visitor for you.

Bedroom door opens and Mycroft Holmes enters. Part of his face is covered with shaving soap. He is holding a cut-throat razor and a towel, and is wearing a colourful dressing gown over his shirt, waistcoat and trousers.

Mycroft is corpulent and rather lethargic, but with an acute power of reasoning. He is a very messy eater and traces of several breakfasts - soft-boiled egg, butter and marmalade - adorn the front of his dressing gown

MYCROFT I'll be with them in five minutes, Mrs Catchpole. Who is it?

MRS CATCHPOLE Sir Percival Blakeney, from the Diogenes Club.

MYCROFT Ask him to wait.

MRS CATCHPOLE He said he would wait. I'll clear these away. (Picks up tray and begins to clear table. Mycroft retreats off R into his bedroom) You know, Mr Holmes, I can never understand why a man who lives alone uses twice as many plates as he needs. Anyone would think you'd had someone with you for breakfast. (Anna's head appears round the screen as Mrs Catchpole continues to clear with her back to it)

MYCROFT (off) I know the rules here, Mrs Catchpole. I breakfasted alone. (Anna's expression clearly says 'Oh, you liar!' before she disappears again) I'm an artistic eater. Innovative. I like to use all the crockery.

MRS CATCHPOLE (picking up the "Times") And the newspaper too. It's coated with marmalade. I'll take it away and wipe it for you. (Puts paper onto tray with the breakfast things)

MYCROFT (off) Thank you.

MRS CATCHPOLE If you like, Mr Holmes, I'll take your dressing gown and clean off the egg and everything else you've got down the front.

MYCROFT (entering from bedroom completely shaved) You're very kind, Mrs Catchpole. (Looks at the screen, realising that Anna is hiding there) Well, that's been a pretty close shave. (Rubs his face) Clean as a smelt, as they say in Covent Garden. (Removes dressing gown and puts it over his arm) Now, where did I leave my coat?

Mrs Catchpole looks downstage for it as she continues to load the breakfast things onto the tray. While her back is turned, Mycroft, having realised where his coat is, throws his dressing gown to Anna, who throws him his coat. As Mrs Catchpole turns back to him, he is putting it on. Anna remains off

MRS CATCHPOLE Oh, there it is! Really, Mr Holmes, I don't know how you find things so easily.

MYCROFT Runs in the family, Mrs Catchpole. Brother Sherlock may be the great detective, but I have my methods too. Now, about this gentleman outside.

MRS CATCHPOLE Shall I send him in?

MYCROFT In a minute. (Opens door L, and speaks to Sir Percival, off) Blakeney, old man, bear with me for a minute, won't you? I'll be with you directly. Thank you, Mrs Catchpole.

MRS CATCHPOLE (taking up tray) Thank you, sir. I see you're doing one of your chess problems again.

MYCROFT Oh, yes. (Glances at board, does a double-take, shoots a thoughtful glance at the screen and moves a piece)

MRS CATCHPOLE (watching him) I suppose at least you can never lose, sir. Once I've washed these up I'll go upstairs and see if I can get that young Miss Weybridge out of bed. These actresses, you know, they lead such dissolute lives. In bed till all hours. She works for Henry Irving, I believe, at the Lyceum Theatre.

MYCROFT Really? One day she may be famous. Miss - what did you say her name was?

MRS CATCHPOLE Weybridge. Miss Anna Weybridge. (Goes out L with tray, Mycroft holding door open for her. He closes it and comes C)

ANNA (coming from behind screen wearing Mycroft's dressing gown) As you know full well, Mr Mycroft Holmes.

MYCROFT Ah, Anna, my dear. You know, even in my old dressing gown you look absolutely ravishing.

ANNA Flatterer! (She kisses him) I could eat a second breakfast off the front of this despicable garment. (Removes dressing gown and throws it to Mycroft, who flings it over a chair) Have you spotted my move yet? (Goes to chess board) Ah! I thought you'd do that. I've got you now, Mr Holmes. That will teach you to lock me out of the bedroom.

MYCROFT I locked the door because I was shaving and didn't want you creeping up behind me and pinching my bottom as you do. I prefer to have two ears.

ANNA I pinch your bottom because I love you, you great fat cuddly porpoise. (Hugs him and pinches his bottom)

MYCROFT (reacting) Anna! If the Chancellor of the Exchequer came in now and found one of his Government auditors being called a fat cuddly porpoise and having his bottom pinched -

ANNA He'd put a tax on bottoms, which wouldn't do you much good. You admit to being fat?

MYCROFT Fat, no. Larger than life, yes. Now, be a good girl. Go and get dressed. Sir Percival Blakeney is waiting outside.

During the following dialogue he helps himself to a huge pinch of snuff from his jar, covering himself with the powder. He brushes it off his coat with his hands

ANNA Mycroft, talking of Sir Percival, who was the Scarlet Pimpernel?

MYCROFT Sir Percival Blakeney's grandfather.

ANNA What did he do?

MYCROFT He was a kind of private agent. (Sneezes)

ANNA Like your brother?

MYCROFT In a way. He operated in France at the end of last century, rescuing aristocrats from the guillotine. Why do you ask?

ANNA Oh, I've had a letter from Ellen Terry at the Lyceum. She mentioned him. Is his grandson like that? Adventurous? Dashing?

MYCROFT Sir Percival? Not in the least. He's very much the opposite. He's a member of the Diogenes Club, you know.

ANNA Oh! One of your crowd?

MYCROFT The Diogenes Club does not constitute a crowd, Anna. We're not that kind of club.

ANNA It's the strangest club in London, from what you tell me. The members ignore one another, there are fines and penalties for even speaking.

MYCROFT Except to the waiters.

ANNA Do the members ever play billiards or cards?

MYCROFT The few who are sociable enough play in silence, using sign language.

ANNA What happens at dinner?

MYCROFT We eat in total silence. The dinners are remarkably good. Only three and six a time.

ANNA I bet you're all a pretty rum lot. I suppose Sir Percival is the same?

MYCROFT He became a member of the Diogenes Club because he was sick of people constantly - (Knock, off)

SIR PERCIVAL (off) Holmes?

MYCROFT (calling to him) With you in a moment, my dear fellow! (To Anna) That's him! Don't forget - our landlady intends to see if you're up and about.

ANNA I'll go up the back stairs as usual. See you later, my big, loveable - m'mm. (Throws her arms round him, does a sexy little wiggle up against him, gives a quick kiss, breathes in some of his snuff and sneezes. Mycroft is overwhelmed by her wiggle, while she heads R for his bedroom) I'll show you that letter from Ellen, because I want to tell you something quite important. And by the way, I'll checkmate you in one. (Exit. Mycroft pulls himself together, glances at chess board, shakes his head, puzzled, and crosses L to admit Sir Percival, who is plump and smooth-faced, with a tendency to flutter)

SIR PERCIVAL Ah, Holmes! (Looks about him) I say! These rooms are rather the thing, aren't they? Bright, airy, well furnished.

MYCROFT Morning, Sir Percival. What can I do for you?

SIR PERCIVAL I was wondering if you'd finished with the script you took yesterday, my dear chap. "Marie Antoinette."

MYCROFT Your play! Yes, of course. Where is it? (Hunts about until he finds the script in a large sealed envelope down the back of a chair) Here we are. (Examines the cover) "Marie Antoinette", a tragedy in blank verse by Sir Percival Blakeney. (Hands it to him) I didn't know you'd taken up playwriting, Blakeney.

SIR PERCIVAL Yes, I - Holmes! You haven't even looked at it. Sat on it, by all appearances, but you haven't read it. (Smoothes it down)

MYCROFT You're quite right. Have some snuff? (Hands him the jar. Sir Percival takes a pinch) I'm terribly sorry, but the Solicitor-General's office has needed me at all hours lately. (Sir Percival prepares for a mighty sneeze. Mycroft holds his finger under Sir Percival's nose as he continues to speak) The Russo-German Treaty, the annexation of Zululand, and Her Majesty's Golden Jubilee celebrations gave me a good deal of work. (Removes his finger and waits for the sneeze. Sir Percival obliges) Yesterday I had no time to read your play.

SIR PERCIVAL (dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief) You had time to go strolling down Piccadilly last night with that charming girl from upstairs on your arm! (Mycroft stares in astonishment) Oh, I know all about you and Anna Weybridge. (Sneezes violently again)

MYCROFT What? You know Anna?

SIR PERCIVAL Not as well as you, it would seem.

MYCROFT But you saw us in Piccadilly? You never go to Piccadilly.

SIR PERCIVAL I didn't say I saw you, my dear fellow.

MYCROFT Then how did you know? (Sir Percival prepares to sneeze again. Finger under nose business once more) Tell me, Blakeney! I shall keep my finger here until you do.

SIR PERCIVAL (breaking away and sneezing once) Oh, come! You're Mycroft Holmes, brother of the famous Sherlock. Deduce, my dear sir, deduce!

MYCROFT Very well, I shall deduce. You did not see me with Anna, but someone did. Since you spend your time in the Diogenes, it was one of the people allowed to speak, namely, one of the waiters. Correct?

SIR PERCIVAL Correct. You both strolled off up Regent Street and I myself saw you come back from St James's Street, so you must have gone along Piccadilly.

MYCROFT Like your grandfather, you pretend to be shallow and unobservant, but you are probably as sharp as I am. You would make an excellent Government agent. Are you a Government agent?

SIR PERCIVAL Of course not! What nonsense! I am a gentleman of leisure, so don't try to recruit me into your department.

MYCROFT What, auditing Government books?

SIR PERCIVAL Come, Holmes, you're no more an auditor than I am. You are the central clearing house for information from all Government departments. Anyone in Whitehall who wishes to know anything comes to you. At times you are the Government itself. (Mycroft covers Sir Percy's mouth with his hand)

MYCROFT Good God! How do you know all that? (Sir Percival nods wisely and smiles inscrutably) You're a very astute fellow. So why hide in the Diogenes, pretending to be dull and colourless?

SIR PERCIVAL Because people constantly pestered me to solve their problems. "Oh," they would say, "you're the grandson of the Scarlet Pimpernel, eh? Look, old boy, my niece is entangled with a foreign count. Sort it out, can you? An awful Italian operatic tenor is pestering my wife. Challenge him to pistols at dawn, will you?" One gets sick of it, Holmes. But to business - my play. I'm disappointed that you haven't shown any interest in it. Or hasn't Miss Weybridge told you?

MYCROFT Told me what?

SIR PERCIVAL That she has a part in it?

MYCROFT What?

SIR PERCIVAL Yes! She's to play Charlotte Corday. Henry Irving's offered her the part. Ellen Terry herself wrote to let her know.

MYCROFT I see. That letter she mentioned. But why didn't she tell me, I wonder?

SIR PERCIVAL (winks and digs Mycroft in the ribs) You're a lucky old blighter, you know. Forty if you're a day, and you have a young beauty like her doting on you. (Pulls a hair from Mycroft's coat) This is one of her hairs, isn't it? You sly dog! I'll bet she's gone up the back stairs!

MYCROFT (in some admiration) My word, Blakeney! You're sharper than I suspected. You sound to me as though you read too many detective stories. Have some more snuff?

As Sir Percival does so, Anna knocks and enters L from hallway. She is now wearing a simple but elegant dress of the fashionable "Aesthetic" style. In her hand is the letter from Ellen Terry

ANNA Oh! Mycroft, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you still had company.

MYCROFT Not at all, my dear. We were talking about you. I believe you know Sir Percival.

ANNA Yes. He comes to the Lyceum. How do you do, Sir Percival?

SIR PERCIVAL Miss (sneeze) Weybridge. Excuse me. (Bows) I was telling Holmes that you've accepted a part in my play.

ANNA I came down to talk to Mr Holmes about it. I meant to tell you after breakfast, Mycroft, but - (suddenly realising she's given away the fact that she spent the night with Mycroft) - oh!

MYCROFT (aside to her) Sir Percival knows, my dear. He's made some pretty astute deductions.

SIR PERCIVAL I came from the Diogenes Club expressly to see Holmes about this play. I'm so glad you got the part. Have you read it yet?

ANNA Well, yes. (She's not very enthusiastic)

SIR PERCIVAL Allow me. (Leafs through script) Here we are, Holmes. This is where she stabs Marat in his bath. (Reads) "So, Citizen, I find you in your bath! You have betrayed the Revolu-ti-on."

MYCROFT The Revolu-ti-on?

SIR PERCIVAL Blank verse, remember? (Reads on) "And I must justify the people's will and bring about your execu-ti-on."

MYCROFT That's not blank verse, Blakeney. It rhymes.

SIR PERCIVAL Well, we poets can't always hit it off exactly, Holmes. That's what you administrators don't realise. But that's when she stabs him. Stirring stuff, eh?

ANNA (unimpressed) Stirring.

SIR PERCIVAL I can just see it now. You spring upon him. He gives a cry. Or does he? (Refers to script) Yes. He gives a cry. You plunge the knife into him saying - er - I can't find it.

MYCROFT She says she can't find what?

SIR PERCIVAL (turns over page) Very funny, Holmes. Here we are. "Now die, thou devil! Die and die again! What, not yet dead? Then this shall finish thee!"

MYCROFT How does he die and die again?

SIR PERCIVAL The artist's licence, my dear Holmes. You can say this sort of thing in poetry. That is what makes poetry different. Don't criticise what you don't understand, my dear fellow.

MYCROFT I suppose Ellen Terry will play Marie Antoinette?

SIR PERCIVAL Yes. And Irving will be Robespierre. Oh, what a couple they are! There's a splendid scene where she comes to trial and he leads the prosecution. A packed courtroom, his commanding presence dominating the stage, her thrilling voice ringing defiance at him. The audience will love it. Listen to this. (Leafs through script)

MYCROFT Don't trouble yourself, Blakeney.

SIR PERCIVAL It's no trouble, Holmes. (Reading) "The people cried upon me as their queen; their mighty voice assailed the very heavens. They called for bread, I told them to eat cake."

MYCROFT (patting Sir Percival on the shoulder) Wonderful, Blakeney, wonderful. I'm sure it will be a great success. Good luck with it.

SIR PERCIVAL Oh, you mustn't wish anyone luck in the theatre.

MYCROFT No?

SIR PERCIVAL You have to wish them the worst. Break a leg. That's what we theatrical people say, isn't it, Miss Weybridge? And never quote from "Macbeth".

MYCROFT If you'll excuse us, Sir Percival, we both have things to do.

SIR PERCIVAL I'm sure you have. I'm off to Wellington Street to see the Guv'nor. That's what we call Henry Irving, you know. Well, break a leg, eh, Miss Weybridge?

ANNA And you, Sir Percival.

Exit Sir Percival L

MYCROFT Break a leg? Never wish them luck? What's he talking about? (Takes more snuff)

ANNA That's what they used to say in the American theatre when I spent a few years over there. I've never heard it here. I told Sir Percival about it and now I wish I hadn't. Mycroft, this is the letter from Ellen Terry. Look, she says some wonderful things about my Rosalind in Manchester.

MYCROFT Yes, but why didn't you tell me you were in this thing of Blakeney's?

ANNA I was going to this morning when he knocked and called out, and I had to skedaddle.

MYCROFT Skedaddle?

ANNA One of Ellen's words.

MYCROFT I can't imagine why she's so enthusiastic about it. If what he read was typical, then you're too good for it. And why is Irving going ahead with it against the competition of "Ruddigore" at the Savoy?

ANNA If they produce Sir Percival's play, he'll help to finance a production of the Scottish play next year.

MYCROFT The what play?

ANNA (stage whisper) "Macbeth"!

MYCROFT Why didn't you say so?

ANNA Because you don't say that word unless you're actually performing the play, or rehearsing it. It's very unlucky.

MYCROFT (amused) You stage people! Blakeney is full of that sort of nonsense. I think he's what you would call a ham. I suppose you'll know everyone in the cast?

ANNA I think so. Ellen told me to watch out for a new man, Archibald Quelch.

MYCROFT Who is Archibald Quelch? Why must you watch out for him?

ANNA He plays Marat and he's not a very nice man, according to Ellen.

MYCROFT Neither was Marat. Charlotte Corday stabbed him in his bath, didn't she?

ANNA That's right.

MYCROFT Will you be in the bath with him?

ANNA Of course not!

MYCROFT A pity. That would knock Ibsen for six.

ANNA Mr Quelch has trouble with his hands, if you know what I mean. (She places her hands on her breasts) He also drinks and gambles. Perhaps you should get him into the Diogenes Club to liven it up a bit?

MYCROFT Break a leg, Miss Weybridge. (Anna hoists up her skirt and shows him her legs)

ANNA You wouldn't really want me to break one of these, would you? Because if I did, I wouldn't be able to walk over here (crosses to chess board), and move my bishop thus. (Makes move. Mycroft crosses and peers at board) I told you I'd get you.

MYCROFT Well, I'm damned!

ANNA Checkmate, Mr Holmes. (As he is bending over the board, Anna gooses him)

MYCROFT Anna!

Curtain

Set change

ACT 2

Scene 1

Backstage at the Lyceum. Rehearsal of "Marie Antoinette". UC a large recess, part of the Lyceum set, containing a large bathtub, big enough to half hide anyone sitting in it. This is the set for Marat's bathroom seen from the rear, and we are to imagine the Lyceum auditorium on the other side of the set. A props table conveniently placed holding a large enamel water jug and a kettle among swords, muskets and rolls of legal-looking documents.

Henry Irving, Ellen Terry, Sir Percival, Quelch, Sarah, George and any available extras are on stage for rehearsal. Irving is discussing some business with George. Sarah is hanging about waiting for George to go off so that she can "spoon" with him in some quiet corner. Everyone is in costume: Ellen as Marie Antoinette, Sarah as the chambermaid, Quelch as Marat, Irving as Robespierre, George as Danton, and extras as revolutionaries.

Quelch is furtively drinking from a hip flask, doing it where no-one else can see him. His whole manner is furtive, rat-like and unpleasant.

Irving is tall, with a well-defined profile and a deliberate nasal drawl in his speech. He has a tendency to walk sideways, like a crab, and makes expansive gestures. This is all show, for actually he is rather introverted. Ellen Terry is a very attractive dark-haired woman of middle size, extremely nice and spontaneous. They complement each other, each being what the other is not.

George is a pleasant young man, eager to learn the actor's craft, and well thought of by Irving and Terry.

Sir Percival flutters and paces about. This will irritate Irving as the scene progresses

IRVING (to George) Yes, George, Danton was apparently very much as you're playing him, but I would suggest taking that particular speech differently. (To Ellen) Miss Terry, do you remember how we discussed it yesterday?

ELLEN Why not show him, Henry?

HENRY Very well. Like this. (He strikes a pose. George respectfully stands back, knowing that Irving is about to declaim. Irving goes to town on this speech)

Stay, Citizen, 'tis not for you alone
To take upon yourself the role of God;
To measure life and bring it to its close
Like thread the housewife snaps without a care.
'Tis France herself to whom the privilege
Of life and death is by her people given.
The people's voice the people's will upholds,
And curs'd be he who, in his foolish pride
Should think to oversway the people's will!

Something like that, I think. (He pauses. Applause from the cast, led by Ellen) Oh, thank you. Entirely undeserved. (To George) And then I come in with "No, Citizen, not all the foes of France" and so on. (To the cast) Are we ready, then? Sir Percival, if you would stay over there, out of the way. The bathtub scene, ladies and gentlemen, if you please. Mr Quelch! (Quelch hastily puts away his flask. George exits R, Sarah hurrying up to him and going off hanging onto his arm)

QUELCH Right, Guv'nor. Whenever you're ready.

IRVING (quietly to Quelch) Mr Quelch, I know they all call me the Guv'nor, but not on stage, if you don't mind, h'm? (To all) Places, please. (Someone offstage starts hammering) Oh God! (Into the wings) Stop! Stop! Stop that dreadful noise! (It stops) Thank you. (To someone off) Mr Stoker! Light the bathroom set, if you please. (The lights come up on the bathroom set from the "wrong" side, from our point of view) Now, everyone. Ready? Mr Quelch, would you remove your shirt for this scene? (Quelch does so, revealing a skinny physique) Anna! (Enter Anna R, costumed as Charlotte Corday. For a moment Quelch poses with a leer at her before climbing into the tub. She gives him a look of disdain as she goes to Irving) Anna, that dagger of yours. The blade does go right into the hilt, doesn't it? (Anna demonstrates against the palm of her hand) Then in that case really stab him. Drive it home. Make the audience blench.

QUELCH As long as it doesn't make me blench, Mr Irving. (Climbs into tub. He is half hidden when he sits)

IRVING It must, Mr Quelch. You must feel every blow, and respond. Respond! In the ribs, I think, Anna. (Quietly to her) You can't miss them, h'm?

QUELCH (to her as Irving moves away) And not too hard, my good woman, if you don't mind. It's all right for him. I'm the one as has to sit here and take it all. So go easy, see? Here, how would yer like it if I played this scene in the nude, eh?

ANNA I don't think you should play it as comedy.

IRVING Are we ready yet?

QUELCH Sorry, Mr Irving. Come on, Anna, don't keep Mr Irving waiting with yer gossip.

Anna glares at him and takes her place L

IRVING Begin, please.

ANNA (entering the recess as Charlotte Corday, dagger in waistband) So, Citizen, I find you in your bath.

SIR PERCIVAL No, that's not right, Mr Irving! Charlotte Corday doesn't start this scene.

IRVING Just a moment! Just a moment! We're missing someone.

QUELCH (quietly) Oh, what the 'ell now?

ELLEN The chambermaid. Sarah.

IRVING Miss Bell! Sarah Bell! Where the devil is she?

Sarah peers round the set, R. Anna goes back to her place

SARAH Sorry, sir.

George also appears R

GEORGE My fault, sir.

IRVING For heaven's sake, Sarah, leave your spooning till we've finished. And you go and practise your lines or something, George, h'm? (Exit George R)

SARAH I thought you didn't need me.

IRVING I've never known a rehearsal like this. Are we ready now? Thank you. Now, Miss Bell. (She hesitates) Yes, yes. Begin.

SIR PERCIVAL The jug!

IRVING Oh, where's your jug? Your jug, for God's sake!

ELLEN (handing her the large jug) Here. Now get on with it! He's getting annoyed.

SARAH (as chambermaid, entering bathroom set. Mock French accent) More hot water, Citizen?

IRVING No, no, no! Not a mock French accent, please. Just do it naturally!

SARAH More hot water, Citizen?

QUELCH (as Marat. He is very wooden throughout) Aye, Citizeness, I hope 'tis not too hot.

SARAH 'Tis as you like it, Citizen, I trust. (Pours in imaginary water)

QUELCH (as himself) Hey, I'm gonna get wet 'ere.

IRVING There will be a bucket in the bottom of the tub, Mr Quelch. Carry on, please. We're wasting time.

QUELCH (in character) Now leave me, child, for I must cogitate. (He mispronounces it

SIR PERCIVAL, ELLEN, IRVING Cogitate!!

QUELCH Sorry. (Correcting it) Cogitate. (To himself, scornfully) Cogitate!

Sarah leaves bathroom recess R; Anna enters it from L

ANNA So, Citizen, I find you in your bath.

ELLEN It's stating the obvious, isn't it?

IRVING Yes, yes, Ellen. Anna, could you give him time to cogitate? (Anna moves aside)

SIR PERCIVAL Perhaps like this. (He strikes a cogitating pose)

IRVING Thank you, Sir Percival.

QUELCH (as himself) What's it mean?

IRVING To think! To ponder!

ELLEN (to Irving) Illiterate as well as intemperate.

Anna re-enters bathroom set

QUELCH (in character) What brooks this entrance to my private room?

ANNA (as Charlotte) Why, marry! - (To Irving, as herself) I thought we were changing that "marry", Mr Irving. It's Elizabethan!

IRVING Sir Percival will re-write it. Get on with it, Anna.

ANNA (Charlotte) Why, marry, Citizen, you know full well how private gain despites the public good. I here am come the balance to redress. (Draws knife)

QUELCH (in character) A knife! A knife! My God, thou hast a knife!

IRVING That's in case the audience haven't spotted it, I suppose.

SIR PERCIVAL That's right.

Anna stabs him repeatedly. Quelch flinches every time

ANNA (in character) Now die, thou devil! Die and die again! What, not yet dead? Then this shall finish thee! (One last stab)

SIR PERCIVAL Wonderful, wonderful!

IRVING More force, Anna. Those blows must be more realistic.

QUELCH They were forceful enough, Mr Irving. I'll be bruised for life, thanks to her and her dagger!

IRVING Let's hear your dying speech, Mr Quelch.

QUELCH (in character) Foul jade! This blow has robbed me of my life; so die, Marat, for now thou canst not live. (Sinks into the tub and disappears from view. As himself from within tub) That all right?

ANNA Wait a minute. (As Charlotte) So perish all who plot against the state. My work is done, and France shall benefit!

IRVING Well, that will do for now. Lunchtime, everyone. (He begins to go off L)

SIR PERCIVAL (detaining Irving) He doesn't seem to die realistically, Mr Irving. Anna is playing her part so well, but Marat just sits there as if nothing was happening. Can't he make his dying speech more realistic?

Quelch, who is about to emerge from tub, pauses with only his head showing. He looks daggers at Sir Percival and Irving

IRVING No-one makes speeches when they've just been stabbed, Sir Percival. We should cut it down, sir. But I take your point, h'm.

SIR PERCIVAL There are a few other points I should like to go over, Mr Irving. Perhaps over lunch?

IRVING Yes, Sir Percival, but I must see about wigs.

He goes off L with Sir Percival following. Quelch climbs out of the tub and approaches Anna, who has come downstage, still with her dagger.

QUELCH Did yer hear that fat lump of lard? Not dying realistically! He wants to write realistically. Bloody amateurs! What do they know? It's a rotten play, anyroad, and I'm only doing it for the money. Blow his cheek! I'll die the way I want to. (Anna is trying not to laugh) And you, young woman, you want to steady on with that bloody dagger. Anyone would think you meant it. And don't run away with the idea that you're any good. I've been in this game longer than you - startin' at twelve, not like some - and let me tell you, there's more to acting than just having a pretty face.

ELLEN (quietly approaching them) As you should know, Mr Quelch. (Quelch glares but dares not retort to the famous Miss Terry. Picking up his shirt he storms out L, pulling the flask from his pocket as he goes) Detestable man! Unfortunately, we're stuck with him for the length of the run, short though it will be.

ANNA You were right about his drinking. He stank of it.

ELLEN And I told you he gambles, didn't I? I'm not happy about the way he keeps company with young George Matthews. I think he's leading George astray.

ANNA Should we tell the Guv'nor?

ELLEN I'll keep an eye on him. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could see him. Normally Henry wouldn't look at someone like that, but as you know, for once we've had to take what we could get.

ANNA That's not like the Lyceum.

ELLEN Well, don't forget, if we put on "Marie Antoinette" now, Sir Percival will help to finance the Scottish play next year. Henry's dying to play the Scotsman.

ANNA And you'll be the Scotch Lady?

ELLEN I hope so. Henry's motives are purely mercenary at present, Anna. Otherwise he wouldn't even consider this play.

ANNA Another ten days and we're on.

ELLEN Is your Mr Holmes coming to see us? Or is he a connoisseur of good drama?

ANNA (smiling) He told me he'll come. I don't think he can find an excuse to get out of it. There's a crisis in Zululand and his department needs him, so he's staying in town during August.

ELLEN I'm glad we're doing it out of season.

ANNA Why?

ELLEN Because nobody of any importance will come to see it - apart from Mr Holmes, of course. Did you say he was coming to the first night?

ANNA He's coming on the Wednesday. (Enter Sarah R, in tears) Oh! What is it, Sarah? What's wrong?

SARAH Nothing.

ELLEN Come on, there's something wrong.

SARAH (weeping freely) It's that Quelch, Miss Terry. George owes him a lot of money from cards. We were planning to get married, but he's taken to drink. It's because he owes too much money. Quelch has done all this to him! (Sarah hurries off L)

ANNA Oh dear! Shouldn't we go after her?

ELLEN I think it will blow over, but I'll have a word with Henry about Quelch and his bad influence on George. Poor little thing! She's dying to marry George.

ANNA I know how she feels. I keep trying to get Mycroft interested.

ELLEN Anna, what do you see in Mycroft Holmes?

ANNA I see a man with one of the sharpest brains in Europe, who's in love with me. Oh, I know he's nearly twenty years older, but I can assure you, Ellen, that just being with Mycroft makes me one of the happiest women in London. There! But I'll bet you probably think he's after me for only one thing.

ELLEN No, Anna, I don't. I've known you since you were nineteen, and I can see how happy you are with him. I've had my own ups and downs in marriage and - and other relationships with men. Stay with him, Anna. I think he does you good, but don't work too hard on him. You can put a man off that way. I know too well. Come on, let's get our things and try Verrey's for a bite to eat.

As they begin to go off, R, Dr Marshall enters, whistling, through the central arch, making his way past the bathtub

MARSHALL (his accent is of Northern England) Hallo! Anyone about?

ELLEN I wondered who was whistling. You shouldn't do that here, you know. You'll upset people, won't he, Anna? This is Dr Marshall, by the way. Henry calls him in to treat injuries. Anna Weybridge, Doctor.

MARSHALL How do you do?

ANNA How do you do?

MARSHALL What was I doing, Miss Terry, that I shouldn't have been?

ELLEN Whistling backstage. It's terribly unlucky, so they say.

MARSHALL Ah, the theatrical superstitions. I'd forgotten that one. I walked out with an actress for a while up north, in Newcastle upon Tyne.

ANNA Are you from those parts?

MARSHALL Yes. I began my career at one of the hospitals there. You haven't seen Mr Irving, I suppose?

ANNA He's out. Is it urgent?

MARSHALL I've called to settle my bill. I suppose I could wait here. I promise not to whistle if you promise not to use that rather wicked-looking knife on me.

ANNA Don't worry, it's quite harmless. (Hands it to him) It's usually safe in my dressing room ready for my big scene.

MARSHALL Which is?

ANNA I stab Citizen Marat in his bath.

MARSHALL Ah, the death of Marat. I've seen the painting. (Tries out the spring-loaded blade and stabs himself playfully) Is this a dagger which I see before me? (Anna reacts with horror while Ellen laughs) Oh, sorry! I forgot. Never quote from the Scottish play.

ELLEN I warned you, Doctor.

MARSHALL Now I have to pay a forfeit, correct?

ANNA Go off. (He does) Turn round three times. Swear, or at least say something naughty.

MARSHALL (off) Corsets, drawers and garters! How's that?

ANNA (laughing) Now spit.

MARSHALL (off) Spit! I'm a doctor. Still. How's that.

ANNA Now you must plead to be allowed back here.

MARSHALL Please, cruel Miss Weybridge, allow me to look once more on your face. How's that?

ANNA Overdone, but I suppose it will do. Come back. (He does) That's it.

MARSHALL You thespians and your superstitions. (Hands back dagger) You'd better take this to your dressing room. Miss Terry, is Miss Weybridge's big scene worth watching?

ELLEN We're rehearsing again after lunch. Why not sit out front and find out? It will be more interesting than sitting back here.

MARSHALL Good idea. The first night's in a couple of weeks, isn't it?

ANNA Want some tickets? Mr Irving's papering the house pretty freely.

MARSHALL Giving them away, eh? Well, if they're going free, yes, thanks, I'll take one.

ANNA Not two?

MARSHALL No-one to bring just now, Miss Weybridge.

ANNA The auditorium's that way. (Points L)

MARSHALL Perhaps I'll see you later?

ANNA I'm always around. (Exit R with Ellen. Quelch enters L, meeting Marshall as he is about to go off)

QUELCH Well, bless my soul! William Marshall! Long time no see, my old son.

MARSHALL (surprised) Hallo, Archie. I didn't know you were working here.

QUELCH Oh aye. Here for this production, anyhow. Hey, are you the theatre doctor now?

MARSHALL Yes.

QUELCH Well, well. I thought I'd seen the Guv'nor talking to you. I was hoping we'd bump into each other. (Looks Marshall up and down) You've gone up in the world a bit, eh? You must be making a good living out of it.

MARSHALL Reasonable.

Quelch chuckles

QUELCH I shall have to pay a call on you some time. We should renew our old acquaintance. Talk over old times, like. That would be nice, wouldn't it?

During this Sarah enters L and crosses to exit R, averting her gaze from Quelch. On her way she drops a scarf

MARSHALL Excuse me! (Picks up scarf and hands it to her)

SARAH Thanks. Oh, it's Doctor Marshall. Is someone hurt?

MARSHALL No. I'm looking for Mr Irving.

SARAH The Guv'nor? He's around somewhere. I don't know where, though.

QUELCH See yer later, Doctor Marshall. (Shambles off R, chuckling and swigging from flask)

SARAH If I see Mr Irving I'll tell him you're here.

MARSHALL Thanks, Miss - ?

SARAH Bell. Sarah Bell. By the way, Doctor, I wonder if you could help me.

MARSHALL Yes, of course.

SARAH It's - it's difficult to explain, because it isn't about me. You see, I've a friend who's taken to drink. It's - it's creating a huge problem for - for (she breaks down into tears)

MARSHALL Come along. Let's find somewhere quiet where you can tell me all about it. (Exit both L. The noise of a quarrel comes from the wings, R. It is Quelch and George)

QUELCH (off) Hey, don't walk away from me, Matthews, when I'm talking to yer.

GEORGE (off) I've heard all I want to hear from you, Quelch.

Enter R Quelch and George. Quelch is truculent

QUELCH Well, when are yer going to pay up, then?

GEORGE When the ghost walks.

QUELCH Payday, yer mean? And in the meantime I can whistle for it, eh? Is that what ye're saying?

GEORGE You'll get your damned money!

QUELCH Don't take that tone with me, Matthews. I won it off you fair and square. You'd better have that money ready on pay-day or I complain to the Guv'nor. He won't be happy having a gambler in his company who doesn't pay his debts, not in the Lyceum.

GEORGE At least I don't drink before going on.

QUELCH Aye, but you make up for it when we come off, don't you?

GEORGE Damn you, Quelch! I never touched a drop before I met you. I never gambled, either. You'll be the ruin of me, blast you, unless I do something about it!

QUELCH Aye. You and whose army, eh?

GEORGE You wait, Quelch. You wait, that's all!

George storms off R. Quelch laughs, makes a rude gesture at the departing George, pulls flask from his pocket and takes a drink, wiping his mouth with his hand. He takes another pull, facing upstage. The doctor and Sarah enter, L. Marshall gazes sternly at Quelch, who is unaware of them. Sarah raises her fist in an impotent gesture of rage, and Marshall takes her hand to calm her. He walks her across to R, but she cannot restrain herself from making another gesture of anger at Quelch's back. As Marshall calms her again behind the unconscious Quelch ...

... Curtain

ACT 2

Scene 2

The same, a fortnight or so later. The third night of "Marie Antoinette". A curtain on the upstage side of the bathroom set screens it from the view of the Lyceum audience, who are hidden from us by the set and the curtain. We can see the large tub.

The play has almost reached the stabbing scene. Extras are waiting for the trial scene which follows immediately. Ellen, in costume as Marie Antoinette, is downstage. Beside her Anna is waiting to go on as Charlotte Corday. Sarah, costumed as the chambermaid, is waiting with the enamel jug. A kettle of hot water stands on the small table. Quelch, in costume as Marat, takes one furtive swig from his flask and puts it away. He then sulks downstage L.

Throughout the first part of this scene we hear the voices of Irving and George playing Robespierre and Danton on stage, which is behind the flats from our point of view. Their speeches, which are printed in the appendix, should not be too obtrusive. At the moment, George is speaking

ELLEN (to Anna) What's on your mind, Anna? You're not quite yourself tonight.

ANNA Oh, nothing. I was wondering about Dr Marshall. He's here again.

ELLEN That's the third night running! And how many rehearsals before this? I'm sure he's sweet on you, you know.

ANNA Perhaps he's sweet on you! An awful lot of the audience are.

ELLEN No, Anna, I think it's you he has his eye on. I don't suppose he knows about Mr Holmes. I noticed him looking at you the other day. He had a wistful kind of look in his eye.

ANNA Yes. I pretended not to notice. I do hope he's not serious. (Some applause from the Lyceum audience, off) Oh! They're awake at last.

Enter R George, who has just come off stage. He is in costume as Danton. Off - that is, on the Lyceum stage - Irving soliloquises (see appendix)

ELLEN Well done, George! You've woken them up.

GEORGE Thanks, Miss Terry. Mr Irving really got going in that scene. He's bringing out things that I didn't know were in it.

ELLEN Once Henry gets the bit between his teeth he can do anything.

ANNA He's certainly going great guns now.

Behind them, Sarah gives George a little hug

ELLEN Working himself up for the trial scene. You'd better give the stabbing scene some pace.

ANNA (checking her waistband and looking on the table) My dagger! I've left my dagger upstairs.

ELLEN Better hurry.

Anna rushes off, R. Ellen drifts upstage to listen in to Irving, off, ranting in fine form. George, wiping his brow, comes downstage where Quelch accosts him

QUELCH I suppose you feel pretty proud of yourself, eh? Getting praise from Miss Terry. Quite the up and coming little man, aren't we?

Unseen by them, Sarah drifts down and eavesdrops

GEORGE Not jealous, are we, Quelch? Because it was Mr Irving who really brought it all to life. Miss Terry was just being polite.

QUELCH See here, Matthews. You don't fool me with your mock modesty. You still owe me that money. Payday's not far off, and don't you forget it.

GEORGE Hadn't you better get ready for your scene?

QUELCH I'm ready. I hope that girl of yours is. (Moves away leering at George)

GEORGE What do you mean?

ELLEN Sshh!

Sarah intercepts George before the quarrel takes a turn for the worse

SARAH Leave him be, George. He's not worth it. (She directs a look of pure hatred at Quelch. A burst of great applause, the "Lyceum roar", comes from the audience. Irving enters L, furious. Extras move out of his way)

IRVING Who was making all that noise back here? I could hardly hear myself speak.

QUELCH Ask him. (Jerks a thumb at George)

GEORGE Sorry, sir.

IRVING I thought you knew better, George, I must say.

SARAH Sir, it wasn't George's fault. (She glares at Quelch. Ellen backs her up with a significant glance at Quelch)

IRVING Well, whoever it was, let's keep things quieter in future, h'm?

Exit George L, glaring at Quelch, as Anna rushes on R

ANNA (frantic) It's not there! It's not in the dressing room!

IRVING What is it?

ELLEN Anna's lost her dagger. (Irving makes great theatrical gestures of despair) You always leave it ready in the dressing room, don't you?

ANNA Yes. But I couldn't find it.

ELLEN Don't panic. We've got time while they change the set.

IRVING (looking on the props table) Oh, for heaven's sake!

ELLEN Shut up, Henry! Try the dressing rooms again, Anna. (Anna exits R)

IRVING Mr Quelch. Kindly take your place.

Quelch removes his shirt and gets into the bathtub

QUELCH What about her dagger?

IRVING She'll have to use her bloody hatpin! Where has she gone now?

SARAH She's looking in our dressing room, sir. (More theatrical gestures from Irving, clutching of hair, pacing up and down etc. As this is going on, Quelch, sitting in the tub, throws his knee-breeches onto the floor on our side of the tub. Sarah, who is busy filling the enamel jug from the kettle, does not see this. Nor do Irving or the extras) Would you like me to help her when I've done this? I'm sure the dagger was there when I came out.

IRVING (ranting for real) No, for God's sake! Why can't the silly girl look after things? Just get ready. If she can't find something to stab him with, she'll have to strangle him instead. Or drown him in the blasted soapsuds!

ELLEN Now now, Henry! Anna always looks after things. She's one of our most reliable people.

IRVING (the tempest abating) Yes, yes. You're right, Ellen. I'm being unfair to her.

Enter Anna in great haste R with her dagger

ANNA Got it! I'm sorry, Mr Irving. It was on the dressing room floor.

QUELCH You want to use yer eyes, you do. And don't stick it in so hard this time. I'm covered with bruises from the last two nights.

IRVING Quiet!! Are we ready? In place? Then let's get going.

The curtains screening the bathroom set from the Lyceum audience open, and for the first time we get a view of the Lyceum auditorium through the archway. Bright light from beyond the arch represents the gas lighting of the Lyceum stage. Beyond the lights the backdrop consists of rows of dimly-visible faces and the distant loom of the galleries. Irving and the rest of the cast remain on stage, out of sight of the Lyceum audience, but perfectly visible to us. Sarah goes on, carrying the jug of hot water

SARAH (as chambermaid) More hot water, Citizen?

QUELCH (as Marat) Aye, Citizeness, I hope 'tis not too hot.

tSarah makes as if to pour in water, then stops. We see her expression of shock and embarrassment

IRVING (quietly) What's the matter with her? She's dried.

ELLEN He's sitting with nothing on, Henry! (She points to the discarded knee breeches. Irving clutches at his hair again. Sarah recovers her poise and pours in real water. From Quelch's response it is obviously hot and has gone onto a tender spot)

ELLEN (quietly) Well done, Sarah.

SARAH 'Tis as you like it, Citizen, I hope. (Quelch writhes. Some laughter from the Lyceum audience, off)

IRVING (to Ellen) We must keep that in.

QUELCH (in character) Now leave me, child, for I must cogitate.

Sarah comes off with jug. Quelch, left to cogitate, begins to clown about. He produces a loofah and soaps his back, singing a snatch of song. Laughter from the Lyceum audience, off. Irving is furious

SARAH (stage whisper to Irving) Sir! Do you know what he's done? He's naked!

IRVING He's drunk!

ELLEN I always said he was no use.

IRVING I'll sack him!

Quelch sticks a bare leg over the side of the tub. More laughter, off, from Lyceum audience. Anna goes on

ANNA (in character) So, Citizen, I find you in your bath.

QUELCH (in character) What brooks this entrance to my private room?

ANNA (in character) Why, hear me, Citizen, you know full well how private gain despites the public good. I here am come the balance to redress. (Draws knife)

QUELCH (in character) A knife! A knife! My God, thou hast a knife!

ANNA (in character) Now die, thou devil! (Stabbing him. Quelch cries out each time in obvious pain) Die and die again! What, not yet dead? Then this shall finish thee! (One last stab. Quelch gurgles and collapses out of sight into the tub. Anna pauses, slightly disconcerted by this)

ELLEN Now he's fluffed his dying speech!

IRVING He'll never work in the West End again. I'll see to that!

ANNA (in character) So perish all who plot against the state. My work is done, and France shall benefit! (She comes off as the Lyceum lights dim, the curtain over the bathroom set is drawn to conceal it from the Lyceum audience, but not from us, and applause from the Lyceum audience, off, breaks out. As herself, she speaks to Ellen) What was he up to? He ruined that scene!

ELLEN He certainly did, Anna, but you covered that very well. Didn't she, Henry?

IRVING She did. And so did Miss Bell. But as for you, Mr Quelch - (He strides to the bathtub, looks in, and stops dead)

ELLEN What is it, Henry? (Irving merely stands staring into the tub. Ellen and Anna approach)

IRVING Keep back! Someone get an appeal out for a doctor! (Ellen and Anna look into the tub)

ELLEN (in horror) His face! (She turns away and puts her hands over her eyes. Anna faints onto the floor)

IRVING Someone get a doctor!

Curtain

Set change

END OF ACTS 1 AND 2 OF THIS THREE-ACT PLAY

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