HENRY Tom! I’m going out. Tom! Where is he? (Enter Janet, the prim, elderly housekeeper, R) Ah, Janet!

JANET Yes, Mr Henry?

HENRY Janet, I’m going out and shall not require dinner this evening. I shall need eggs for breakfast tomorrow.

JANET Very good, sir.

HENRY As many as I can eat, because tonight I intend to have my wicked will of Mary Ruffage, and I’ll want to recover my strength after my exertions.

JANET (shocked) Really, Mr Henry, that’s no concern of mine!

HENRY Ah, but it is, Janet. I need a car, you see.

JANET The two-seater’s at your disposal, sir.

HENRY I know, but I want the Rover.

JANET Dr Thorne says you can’t have it, sir.

HENRY But I need a car with a decent back seat, and the Rover has a decent back seat. Besides, the gear lever gets in the way in the two-seater. A chap could injure himself.

JANET Well, sir, Dr Thorne says you can’t have it. You’ll have to beg from one of your drinking companions at the Dragon.

HENRY (chuckling) Janet, you’re a treasure. Always trying to keep me on the straight and narrow, ever since I was a lad.

JANET Laugh if you like, sir. I’ve no doubt you’re the life and soul of the Dragon. All I can say is, it’s time you set a better example. (Begins to tidy magazines, straighten cushions, etc.)

HENRY I suppose you have point, Janet. The son of the late Mr Justice Thorne ought to show the peasantry the way, eh? Must keep up appearances.

JANET Many a true word, sir. The only appearance you’re keeping up is that of a ne’er-do-well.

HENRY (amused) I say, Janet! That’s a bit hard.

JANET I worked here when your father was your age, sir. He was making his mark then as a respectable young barrister. And of course you have the example of your brother.

HENRY Dear old Tom! How did he ever come to be saddled with such a wicked younger brother?

JANET The doctor works very hard, sir. (Henry idly picks up a magazine and leafs through it) He’s worked hard since your poor father died. He’s had no life of his own because he helped your mother to bring you up. I don’t know what she would say if she were alive to see you now, sir. (Henry throws magazine onto floor) If you’re not going to listen, sir, you might at least not give me extra work. (Picks up magazine)

HENRY (hurriedly) Sorry, Janet. Thoughtless of me. (He is about to flick cigar ash into ashtray, thinks twice and goes to French window)

JANET I only wish you would think a bit more, sir. (Henry flicks his ash into the garden. It blows back onto him) Now look at you, sir! Covered with ash. Let me dust you down. How you and the doctor came to have the same parents I’ll never know.

HENRY I didn’t know Tom had patients due. Lady Tresham and Beatrice are in the garden, I see.

JANET Sir Francis Tresham is with the doctor in the surgery, sir.

HENRY Nothing trivial, I hope.

JANET Oh, sir!

HENRY Well, I don’t like the man, Janet. He’s a crook. And I can’t stand his wife. I think I’ll get her portrait painted and sell it to the landlord down at the pub. Rather a good inn sign, don’t you think, Janet? The Dragon.

JANET You shouldn’t say things like that, Mr Henry.

HENRY You’re right, Janet, I agree. It would frighten the customers away.

JANET I didn’t mean that, sir. It’s not my place to say so, but Lady Tresham was quite a beauty in her day.

HENRY By the look of her, it’s well past sunset now, wouldn’t you say? Mind, I have a lot of time for Beatrice. She has quite a well-developed figure, hasn’t she? Seems a nice girl, too.

JANET Miss Tresham is a very innocent girl, sir.

HENRY Yes, not to be trifled with by the likes of me. Of course, her mother keeps her on a tight rein. Doesn’t give the poor girl a chance to get to know a chap.

JANET Considering your reputation, sir, I’m not surprised. I don’t know why a clever young man like you can’t settle down. After all, you were twenty-five last month. Why don’t you do something useful with your life, sir?

HENRY I like what I’m doing now, Janet.

JANET But you don’t do anything, Mr Henry. You simply live off the money your parents left you.

HENRY Come, come, Janet. I entertain others with my anecdotes at the Dragon. I support the landlord’s livelihood and enhance the ambience of the place.

JANET And support the bookies at the races, sir.

HENRY They have to live, Janet. And now, I’m due at the Dragon for a little light refreshment before the serious business of the evening. So be a sport, Janet, and let’s have the keys to the Rover.

JANET I’m sorry, sir, but Dr Thorne said you weren’t to have the Rover any more, not after you drove it through that field with six drunken young women in the back.

HENRY Janet, Janet! That’s simply not true. There were only three, and anyway, it happened two months ago. It was a bit of a youngster’s lark. I’m older and wiser now - twenty five. Come on, be a sport.

JANET I’m sorry, sir -

(Tom enters from the surgery. He is a pleasant young man of thirty-odd, a little old-fashioned and stuffy in his manner. He wears morning jacket and pinstripes.)

TOM Henry, would you mind moderating your voice to a dull roar? I’m trying to examine Sir Francis Tresham.

HENRY Why don’t you send him to the Royal Zoological Society? They’d be quite interested. You could throw in his wife, too.

JANET I think I’d better get about my duties, sir. Excuse me. (Exit R)

TOM Why don’t you do the same, Henry? Lady Tresham’s here and you know she can’t stand you.

HENRY Yes, I noticed her poisoning the plants in the garden.

TOM Poisoning the plants?

HENRY Well, looking at them. Same thing, with her.

(Enter, from the garden, Lady Tresham and Beatrice. Lady Tresham is something of a dragon. Beatrice, her daughter, is the opposite; attractive, innocent, athletic and with the air of having been captain of games at a girl’s public school. She is twenty)

TOM Ah, dear Lady Tresham! (Henry rolls his eyes) Have you enjoyed looking round the garden?

LADY T No I have not! It is far too hot and there are too many insects around (Looks pointedly at Henry.) And I almost stepped into some wet cement.

HENRY (quietly) Pity it was ‘almost’.

LADY T What did you say, young man?

HENRY I said you look warm as toast. You’re looking extremely well, Miss Tresham.

BEATRICE Thank you, Henry -

LADY T Yes, well, you can keep you distance, young man. And take that leer off your face! I know you’re mentally undressing my daughter.

BEATRICE Mummy!

LADY T Well, I can read his mind. It’s like reading one of those disgusting American novels they publish in Paris.

HENRY You sound as though you’re quite well-read, Lady Tresham.

TOM (loudly) Sorry about the wet cement, Lady Tresham. I’ve had a man laying the foundations of a pool.

BEATRICE How interesting! You’ll get all sorts of wild life - frogs and toads and things.

LADY T (looking pointedly at Henry) Ugh! Creepy-crawlies! I should have thought you had enough of that sort of creature already, Thorne.

TOM I’ll just go and see if Sir Francis is dressed yet. (Exit thankfully to surgery)

HENRY I’ve left my handkerchief upstairs. Excuse me, won’t you. (Exit L)

LADY T With the greatest of pleasure, young man. Though if I were his mother I’d have run out of excuses by now.

BEATRICE Mummy, I shall get very angry with you.

LADY T And why, pray, will you be angry?

BEATRICE You’re in Dr Thorne’s house and his brother has a right to be here. You have no right to be rude to him.

LADY T Beatrice, that young man is a positive danger to all the gels in this district. Like all men, he’s after one thing.

BEATRICE And what’s that?

LADY T Never mind. It’s no concern of yours till you’re twenty-one.

BEATRICE I soon will be twenty-one. Mummy, you go to ridiculous extremes to shield me from the facts of life. It was bad enough last year when we saw those two horses in the field, and you tried to tell me that one was trying to get a better view of the church steeple.

LADY T Perhaps it was the stable clock.

BEATRICE Mummy, I can be trusted on my own.

LADY T You wouldn’t be safe with certain young men, Beatrice. (Looks L)

BEATRICE Of course I would. I wasn’t captain of games at school for nothing. Look at that! (Flexes her biceps) I could handle any man. I only wish I had the chance.

LADY T Beatrice, you are developing the morals of an undergraduate. And by the way, on the subject of men, you seem quite friendly with the Thornes.

BEATRICE I met Tom at the hunt ball. He was with his young lady.

LADY T Martha Denby? I don’t know what she sees in him. She ought to be setting her cap at someone with the means to support her.

BEATRICE I think Martha’s made a very good catch in Tom Thorne.

LADY T I suppose it could be worse. It could be Henry.

(Tom re-enters from the surgery, accompanied by Sir Francis Tresham. Sir Francis is bluff, hearty and a little shady. He is dressed country-style, in tweeds)

SIR F There we are, Arabella. Nothing to worry about after all. Doctor says there’s nothing wrong with me.

LADY T Nothing that he can cure, I suppose, Francis. It is not a doctor’s business to treat that empty rumbling noise in your wallet.

SIR F Ha! Humph! So ye’ve had a quiet half hour to look around the garden, eh, m’dear? Thorne tells me ye nearly fell into his cement, what?

LADY T Yes, Francis, but I’m afraid I had to disappoint you by walking round it. So you can’t collect anything on my life assurance yet. Well, are we ready to go into town?

SIR F Yes, yes. You two go and wait in the car. I’ll just clear up one or two matters with Thorne. (Ushers them out, R.) I’ll see you out. Mind ye don’t fall down the front steps, Arabella, what? Ha ha! (Returning) Me little joke, Thorne. Now look, I want a quick word with ye.

TOM Yes, Sir Francis?

SIR F (Sitting down) I mentioned in the surgery that I’m lookin’ for a loan, remember? Now what about Roger Ruffage? D’ye think he’d lend me what I need?

TOM He may, but he never lends without strings attached. Look at Armstrong. He borrowed from Ruffage, then got into so much debt that Ruffage had him evicted and sold Armstrong Hall to Sir Alfred Denby.

SIR F Pah! Armstrong was a fool and serve him right, by gad! See here, Thorne. Ain’t your brother takin’ out Ruffage’s daughter?

TOM Yes, he does see a lot of Mary Ruffage.

SIR F Lucky blighter! How much of her does he see, eh, haw haw! How well does Henry know Ruffage?

TOM Well enough to act as bookie’s runner for him.

SIR F Capital! A little family pressure, eh?

TOM I’ll see what I can do, Sir Francis. How much do you need?

SIR F I’ve been thinkin’ it over carefully, Thorne. Takin’ everything into consideration, I should say not less than fifty.

TOM Fifty? (Smiling) But my dear Sir Francis, I thought you were on your knees, and all you want is fifty pounds?

SIR F Fifty thousand, old boy.

TOM Fifty thousand pounds! But that’s an enormous sum! You wouldn’t get that even if you mortgaged Treshamsbury. Why do you need so much?

SIR F Look here, Thorne, you’re a man of the world. Wink and a nod - nuff said, what?

TOM Whatever is said here will be treated as strictly confidential, Sir Francis.

SIR F Good. I shan’t beat about the bush any longer, Thorne. As ye well know, I’m a family man. Hearth and home, slippers and pipe, curly-headed children at me knee, all that sort of thing. Well, Thorne, when a chap’s a family man, a mistress runs damned expensive, what? I mean, a chap has his wife and daughter to keep as well.

TOM I don’t know, Sir Francis. I haven’t a mistress.

SIR F Well, ye don’t need one yet. You ain’t married. But ain’t ye takin’ out Denby’s gel?

TOM Yes, but she’s not my mistress, Sir Francis. I don’t go in for clandestine relationships.

SIR F Suit yerself, Thorne. But take it from me, old boy, mistresses are a liability. No sense of propriety. No decency. Moneygrabbers! That’s all they are. Moneygrabbers! Treat ye like a meals ticket, Thorne, use ye for their own ends.

TOM I see. Er - if it’s not an indelicate question, Sir Francis, how many mistresses have you?

SIR F Only one, old boy. What d’ye take me for? A philanderer? But she takes a lot of upkeep: more than the wife and daughter together, d’ye see? Then there’s entertainin’ to do and race meetin’s to attend. I tell ye, Thorne, if I can’t get a loan, I’ll have to choose between keepin’ on Fifi and givin’ up entertainin’.

TOM Perhaps you should choose in favour of the entertaining and give up - er - Fifi, Sir Francis.

SIR F What? And make do with the wife? Me dear feller, that’s a bit thick!

TOM However, I think you should draw in your horns a little and make some small sacrifice.

SIR F Ain’t I sacrificed enough already? We’re reduced to three indoor servants at Treshambury. D’ye know what kind of car I run now? An Orstin! Here am I, Lord of the Manor, Chairman of the County Council, Justice of the Peace, runnin’ around in a damned Orstin!

TOM It may be unpleasant to face the fact, Sir Francis, but you are living beyond your means. You must save money. It seems to me that you either get rid of the mistress, or take one who’s less expensive.

SIR F Well...I suppose I could think about that, Thorne. Well, must be off. Don’t want the wife breathin’ fire over me. Thanks for yer time, Thorne. See meself out. (Exit, R)

TOM A pleasure, Sir Francis. Goodbye.

(Enter Henry, L)

HENRY Gone, has he? Swindled you out of a few quid, I suppose.

TOM If you’re referring to Sir Francis, no. And if you’ve come to ask about the Rover, you can’t have it.

HENRY Oh, go on, brother. Just for tonight.

TOM No. The last time you had the Rover I found - (hesitates) - garments on the back seat.

HENRY (innocently) Garments, Tom? What? A raincoat? Gloves?

TOM You know perfectly well they were female underthings. Do you realise Lady Lufton nearly saw them.

HENRY Have a heart, Tom. I need a comfortable back seat. And I’m sick of the two-seater. The wipers don’t wipe, the lights don’t light, the brakes don’t brake, and the pistons - they don’t work either.

TOM No, and that’s final. If you want to live the life of a latter-day Lothario, get yourself a flat in London.

HENRY You know I can’t afford it.

TOM Then get a decent profession.

HENRY Like yours? A struggling country doctor? No thanks.

TOM No. You’d rather live from hand to mouth, as always. Just as you’ve done since you squandered the money left you, not to mention father’s before that.

HENRY Go on, rub it in like one of your liniments, three times a day.

TOM You’ve blown it all on racehorses, and look at you now! Bookie’s runner for Roger Ruffage! A man of your upbringing.

HENRY It’s not as if I were the Duke of Cumberland, Tom. And there’s nothing wrong with Roger. He’s not dishonest. Bit of a rough diamond, I’ll grant you, but he has more money than you and I put together.

TOM I’m not surprised when idiots like you throw it at him.

HENRY He also happens to be the father of my beloved.

TOM Mary Ruffage? Another rough diamond, is she?

HENRY You think so? I’ll introduce you some day. She’s a very nice girl. Her father sent her to Cheltenham Ladies’ College.

TOM Humph. Compared to the sort of girl you normally go around with, I’ll bet she stood out like a sore thumb.

HENRY Tom! You astound me, what with all the store you set by good breeding.

TOM There’s nothing wrong with breeding, Henry. It’s a pity you don’t practise some.

HENRY I’m trying to! That’s why I want the keys to the Rover!

TOM Oh, you’re impossible!

HENRY Tom, the world’s changed since you were alive. People fly across the Atlantic in airships now. There are talking pictures, wireless. This is 1935.

TOM Right and wrong don’t change.

HENRY Girls do. They make the running nowadays, you know.

TOM Nice girls don’t.

HENRY I admit sometimes a chap has to put himself out. But you know that yourself, don’t you?

TOM If you’re referring to Martha, you can keep her out of this conversation.

HENRY I was merely going to say what a nice girl she is.

TOM No you weren’t. You were about to pollute her name with suggestive remarks.

HENRY Wouldn’t dream of it, old man. But good Lord, Tom! Martha’s twenty-nine!

TOM Twenty-eight. And what does that imply?

HENRY Simply that she’s hardly some innocent village maiden.

TOM There you are! Innuendo! Smears!

HENRY Compared with Beatrice Tresham. Come on, old man! You’ve been taking her out for the past year. Surely you’re not still just holding hands?

TOM That’s none of your business. Miss Denby happens to be a very well-bred young lady.

HENRY Hah! Discreet, you mean. I’ll bet she’s seen a bit of life, so to speak.

TOM How dare you? I ought to punch you on the nose, you little rat!

HENRY All right, calm down. Of course, if and when you marry her, you’ll do well out of her old man, won’t you, old man?

TOM Sir Alfred Denby is a respectable businessman. His money is none of your concern, or mine either.

HENRY Yes, respectable. Unlike Sir Francis Tresham, what?

TOM What about Sir Francis?

HENRY I know why he came here today. Medical examination, my foot! He’s short of money again -

TOM How do you know?

HENRY It’s the talk of the bar in the Dragon. He came here to try to cadge money from you, just as he does with everyone he knows. We’d all be better off if he was put in jail, but the police daren’t prosecute the chairman of the county council, not even when he’s drunk in charge of a car, which is pretty often. Pah! He makes me sick.

(Enter Janet, R)

JANET Excuse me, sir. I’ve finished all my work, and you did say before lunch that I could take the evening off.

TOM Oh, yes, yes, Janet. Your sister’s not well, is she? You’ll be going to see her?

JANET Yes, sir.

TOM Stay the night with her, if you like. Henry will be out, and I’m going out with Miss Denby. I’ll manage.

HENRY So shall I, Janet, especially if Tom lends me the Rover.

JANET Yes, Mr Henry. I’ll go and get my coat. (Exit, L)

TOM Now look, Henry, don’t start your smutty talk with Janet. As for Sir Francis, let me remind you that he’s done a lot for me. He introduced me to Sir Alfred Denby.

HENRY He introduced you to a set of people among whom you are like a fish out of water. They use you, Tom, but you can’t see it. Why don’t you stop this obsessive chasing after rich and titled people?

TOM I’ve had enough sermonising from you, Henry. Here, take the keys of the two-seater and go. (Hands over set of car keys from pocket.)

HENRY (agreeably surprised when he looks at the keys) Thanks, Tom. Thanks very much. I’ll be off, then. No sense in hanging about. Enjoy your evening with Martha.

TOM I shall. At least we won’t be behaving like animals in the back of the Rover.

HENRY (glancing at keys) No, I don’t suppose you will, old man. By the way, you couldn’t lend me a fiver?

TOM Certainly not.

HENRY Thirty bob?

TOM Here’s a pound. It’s all you’ll get until next week. Now go and wallow in some haystack with your paramour.

HENRY No, I don’t think I’ll do that after all. Toodle pip, Tom. (Exit through french window)

TOM And don’t step in my cement!

(Enter Janet, L)

JANET I’ll be off now, sir. I’ll just walk across the fields. It’s a lovely evening.

TOM No, no. I’ll run you across, Janet. It won’t take five minutes. (Puts hand into pocket). Good heavens! No wonder he won’t be wallowing in haystacks!

JANET I beg your pardon, sir?

TOM I’ve just given Henry the keys to the Rover!

(Tom makes for the French window, but a car starts in the distance and races away. Curtain as Tom stands, shaking his fist.)

TOM Well, here we are Martha. We’ll have coffee. That should be all right, at least.

MARTHA (As Tom removes her coat) Let’s hope so.

TOM I’m sorry about the evening, Martha. Nothing went according to plan.

MARTHA It wasn’t your fault that the film broke, Tom. But I wish they’d get something other than “Blood and Sand”. That must be the fifteenth time they’ve shown it.

TOM Well, that’s the Barchester Gaumont for you. Pity they’re not wired for sound yet.

MARTHA It wouldn’t have been so bad if the meal afterwards hadn’t been...

TOM Slightly below standard, shall we say?

MARTHA Absolutely disastrous, you mean.

TOM Yes, that little roadhouse has fallen off lately. Trouble is, there’s nowhere else to go.

MARTHA Darling, we could try an evening in London. I know you think it’s Babylon, but there are some nice little restaurants where we can quietly enjoy ourselves. Come to think of it, why did you use the two-seater tonight? You’ve never taken me out in it before.

TOM I meant to use the Rover as usual, but I accidentally gave Henry the keys.

MARTHA I suppose he’ll be giving some lucky girl a whale of a time.

TOM A whale of a time? He’ll be seducing her in the back seat!

MARTHA That’s what I mean.

TOM It was his declared intention to get Mary Ruffage - whoever she is - into the back seat. That’s why I wouldn’t let him have the keys.

MARTHA But I thought you said -

TOM Yes, but I didn’t mean to. The trouble is, I tend to lose my temper with Henry, and he takes advantage of it.

MARTHA So we had the two-seater by default? What a let-down! I thought that just for once you were going to be terribly daring and whisk me up to Town, or , better still, Brighton, for a naughty weekend.

TOM Good heavens, Martha! I’m afraid that wouldn’t do, you know.

MARTHA Leading you astray, am I, Tom? All right, I’ll come back to boring reality.

TOM Like a drink?

MARTHA Mm. Gin and It, please. (Tom pours a drink for her, but none for himself). Did you say Janet was out?

TOM Yes. Her sister’s unwell, so she’ll be spending the night with her.

MARTHA And Henry?

TOM Don’t worry. Since I’ve been fool enough to let him have the Rover, he’ll be in London. It won’t be the first time he’s been out all night on a binge. We’ll not see him until about Saturday, when he’ll stagger in looking like the Phantom of the Opera. (Hands Martha her glass and sits beside her on sofa.)

MARTHA He’s quite fun, isn’t he, your brother?

TOM If you lived with him, the novelty would soon wear off, I assure you.

MARTHA I don’t know. I get along quite well with him. He certainly keeps me amused.

TOM I wish he would do the same for me.

MARTHA You’re both so different. You’re everything that he’s not, and vice versa.

TOM It wouldn’t do for me to be seen doing the things Henry does.

MARTHA You could do some of the things he does, darling.

TOM What? Drinking and gambling?

MARTHA (snuggling up and ruffling his hair) No, you silly. Things that involve partners. The sort of thing that Henry does often need a partner.

TOM The last time Henry got involved with a partner was in some shady deal selling shares after the Wall Street Crash. His partner fled to Brazil leaving Henry in the lurch. That cost the family fortunes a pretty penny.

MARTHA I wasn’t thinking of business partners, Tom. I was thinking - oh, never mind. Aren’t you having a drink?

TOM Better not, I think. That wine at dinner quite went to my head, and I’ve still got to drive you home.

MARTHA Well, you don’t have to drive me home, Tom.

TOM What? You can’t walk from here!

MARTHA I wasn’t thinking of walking home. (Puts down glass)

TOM Well what? You can’t fly home.

MARTHA (sighing) Oh, Tom! Can’t you take a hint?

TOM Hint? I’m sorry, Martha, perhaps I’m a bit obtuse but -

MARTHA Darling, we’re alone. (Suggestively massages his chest) We’ll be alone all night.

TOM (squirming) Martha, stop it! (Writhes) I’m ticklish! (She gets her hand inside his shirt) I say! Do stop it! What if someone should come in?

MARTHA Mmm. (Buries her face in his shirt front) You’re the strangest man I’ve ever met. Must I spell it out to you?

TOM Spell out what? Martha, you’re breathing into my shirt and all over my - skin.

MARTHA Why shouldn’t we - ? Look, you’re supposed to ask me this. Why not - ? Oh, Tom! Surely we’re past the stage of just holding hands and kissing goodnight? I want to stay the night.

TOM (rigid with shock) What? You mean you want to sleep here?

MARTHA Yes.

TOM But where? I haven’t a spare bed.

MARTHA (sighing despairingly) I suppose I could always have Henry’s.

TOM Oh dear, no! He may possibly return. I know! What about my bed? It’s a nice, big double.

MARTHA Oh, Tom! At last!

TOM And of course I’ll sleep on the sofa here.

MARTHA (disappointedly) Ohhh!

TOM Don’t worry. I’ll be quite comfortable. But I don’t know what Sir Alfred Denby will say if his daughter’s out all night.

MARTHA For Heavens’ sake! Father doesn’t tuck me up with my teddy any more. I need something bigger and warmer to hug.

TOM I can fill you a hot water bottle and make you really comfortable.

MARTHA Oh, don’t bother. I shouldn’t put you to the trouble. I’ve changed my mind. Will you run me home, please? (Stands)

TOM Can’t I make a cup of coffee first? It’ll help the digestion.

MARTHA No thanks, Tom. I’d rather -

(The door R crashes open and Henry lurches in, his clothes awry)

HENRY Good evening one and all. (Tom leaps up, falling over Martha)

TOM Henry! Where the he - where the dickens have you come from? What are you doing here?

HENRY I was under the impression that I lived here, ol’ man. Came home to go to bed, what? Can’t spend the night on a park bench in London.

TOM So you’ve been to London! I thought so. And whom did you take? Mary Ruffage?

HENRY As a matter of fact, no, Tom. When I realised you’d so kindly given me the keys to the Rover I popped in to see a friend of Roger’s, and made a small investment on the five-thirty.

TOM You mean you gambled that money I gave you?

HENRY Got it back at five to one, though. Then I went to the Dragon and somehow never got round to picking up Mary. Met a few of the chaps and we piled into the old Rover and headed for the bright lights.

TOM At least Mary was saved from what you had planned for her.

HENRY Tom, you’re obsessed with sex. You really ought to get yourself psychoanalysed. Ah! Miss Denby. Good evening. How charming you look tonight. I must apologise for my brother. His one-track mind, you know, money and sex, inhibits his social graces. Prevents him from introducing us. (Bows over her hand). Madame, your servant.

MARTHA Enchantee, monsieur.

TOM Don’t play up to him, Martha, he thrives on it.

HENRY I thrive on the beauty of the prettiest lady in the room.

MARTHA I’m the only lady in the room.

HENRY But what about that old woman - oh, it’s Tom!

TOM Henry, I’ll -

HENRY Tom, have I told you about the Farmers’ Ball?

TOM The Farmers’ Ball? What about it?

HENRY It’s off. The farmer fell into the threshing machine.

MARTHA (laughing) Henry, you’re incorrigible.

TOM I’d say something stronger than that, Martha. He’s not getting away with that sort of remark in front of you. Listen, worm, (seizes him by the collar) get out and off to bed. (Henry hangs limply in Tom’s grip) You see what an objectionable little bounder he is, Martha?

MARTHA Oh, Tom! Don’t treat him like that. Look, I’ve changed my mind about the coffee. Why don’t you make us all a cup?

HENRY Coffee? Good idea. Tom, we rely on you. You make the best coffee of anyone I know. How about it? Or what about cocoa?

TOM If it helps to sober you up, yes.

HENRY Good old Tom! Not that I’m drunk, mind you.

TOM Anyone who behaves as you have tonight can hardly be sober.

MARTHA Oh, Tom, just let the matter drop.

TOM All right. But, Henry, you behave yourself. Martha, if he says anything suggestive, just give me a call.

MARTHA I’ll keep him under control, Tom. Sit over there, Henry, and be quiet. (Henry sits in armchair. Martha sits on sofa. Tom goes out, L.) So you’ve been to London, have you?

HENRY Yes. Had a damned good time, too.

MARTHA I hope you didn’t do anything your brother wouldn’t have done. HENRY Didn’t really get the chance. I’d half-planned to have my wicked way with Mary Ruffage.

MARTHA (chuckling) You naughty boy. But the bright lights lured you away from Mary’s charms?

HENRY Well - it’s all very well to talk about having one’s wicked will and so forth. I do it to annoy Tom, mainly. But the reality, I’m afraid, would have been a bit disappointing. I prefer girls with a little more experience, like some I know. (Looks pointedly at Martha).

MARTHA (turning from his gaze) How I wish Tom would take me to London. He claims it’s a four-hour drive.

HENRY It is, if you plod along at twenty-five. Tom’s like that, a plodder. Dependable, reliable to the hilt, but no flair, no zip. I’ll bet he took you to the Gaumont tonight to watch some old silent flick.

MARTHA (smiling) Yes, as ever.

HENRY “Blood and Sand”? As ever?

MARTHA I think they show it once a month.

HENRY I could take you to an Astaire and Rogers movie in Town, but of course I shouldn’t say that.

MARTHA Of course you shouldn’t, but it does no harm to talk.

HENRY No, it does no harm. Pity it has to stop at talk.

MARTHA Tom’s taking a long time with that coffee.

HENRY He always takes his time. He’s a plodder, as I say. If he doesn’t hurry up it’ll be past his bedtime, and of course he has to take you home yet.

MARTHA He did offer me a bed for the night.

HENRY (leering) Really?

MARTHA I mean, he offered to sleep down here on the sofa.

HENRY I see. (After a moment he bursts out laughing)

MARTHA What do you find so amusing?

HENRY You know perfectly well what I’m laughing at, Martha.

MARTHA At Tom sleeping down here?

HENRY What else? Hang it all, Martha, you know me.

MARTHA Yes, I believe I do.

HENRY You know where I’d sleep.

MARTHA Henry! The last time we discussed this we agreed not to raise that subject any more.

HENRY Yes, but it’s damned difficult for a man. Engaged or not, Martha, you’re an attractive girl.

MARTHA I am not engaged, Henry. Tom and I are friends, that’s all.

HENRY Of course you’re not engaged. You never will be. Tom’s no the man for you and we both know it. Now then, now that we’re telling the truth, let’s admit that since you’re not engaged, it’s pointless keeping up the pretence.

MARTHA Pretence?

HENRY That we shouldn’t discuss getting together again, perhaps?

MARTHA (warningly) Henry!

HENRY (sitting beside her) Let’s continue telling the truth. You like me, I like you. We agreed on that when we spent that marvellous night together, remember? (Takes her hand; she does not resist) We both know how we feel. As I say, let’s continue telling the truth.

MARTHA (yielding to him) Oh, Henry! We shouldn’t be doing this. (He kisses her) Not after the last time. I felt so guilty then. I don’t want to betray Tom again.

HENRY Snatch the moment while we can! Don’t think of Tom; you don’t love him. Forget him and think of us. All too soon it’ll be time for -

(Enter Tom, backwards)

TOM Cocoa? (He enters backwards, L, wearing striped pyjamas under an old woollen dressing gown, carrying a tray with three steaming mugs on it, and a large alarm clock. He fails to see Martha and Henry. Henry leaps up so that Martha collapses on the sofa.)

HENRY Let me help you, Tom. (Crosses to him)

MARTHA Tom! You’ve got ready for bed!

TOM Thought I’d get ready while the kettle boiled.

MARTHA But - but you’re taking me home, aren’t you?

TOM Good heavens! I completely forgot! I told you the wine had gone to my head.

HENRY You dirty devil! Martha, this is a ploy to seduce you. You must admire the man’s nerve.

TOM (embarrassed) What? It - it’s nothing of the sort. Look, I’ll go and change to take you home, Martha. How stupid of me to forget.

MARTHA Well, it is late...

HENRY Tom, if it takes you as long to dress as it has to undress, you won’t get away before morning. Besides, I don’t think you’re fit to drive if the wine’s affected you as you say it has.

TOM Nonsense! I’ll go upstairs -

HENRY What do you think, Martha? Is he fit to drive you home? I think you should stay.

MARTHA Unless you drive me home, Henry.

HENRY Impossible. I’ve had much more to drink than Tom has. We Thornes have weak heads for alcohol. No, I think you should stay here.

MARTHA Well...

TOM Of course, you can have my bed, as arranged.

HENRY It’s settled, then.

(Martha looks at Henry, then smiles knowingly. Henry returns the smile.)

MARTHA All right. It’s settled.

TOM Good! Now, I made cocoa for us, Martha, because we both need a good night’s sleep, and strong black coffee for you, Henry.

HENRY Because I need to stay awake?

TOM No, to counteract the alcohol in your system.

HENRY Of course. Must get rid of the alcohol, otherwise the night won’t be the same. (Catches Martha’s eye again. Both smile knowingly)

TOM (giving mugs) There we are. Martha. Henry.

HENRY Tom, you’ve forgotten something.

TOM What?

HENRY The glass for your teeth!

TOM You cheeky little blighter!

MARTHA Now, boys! Let’s all drink our cocoa in peace, shall we?

HENRY Right. You drinking yours here, Martha? I think I’ll take mine up to bed. Why not have yours in bed, now that you’ve decided to stay?

MARTHA Do you think I should?

HENRY It’s up to you. I think it’ll be nicer in bed.

TOM There’s a bottle in your bed, Martha.

HENRY What about me?

TOM Don’t be stupid!

MARTHA You’ll be nice and warm, Henry, I’m sure.

HENRY That’s all right, then. Nothing like being nice and warm in bed, eh?

TOM Yes, an early night will do us all good. Since you’re going upstairs, Henry, would you show Martha her room?

HENRY Aren’t you going to?

TOM Hardly good form, old man. I’m in my pyjamas.

HENRY (briskly) Right! I’ll take Martha upstairs while you make yourself comfortable down here. You needn’t come upstairs at all, old man. Use the cushions as pillows and get a couple of rugs.

TOM Thanks, Henry. I think Henry will manage to look after you, Martha. If you need anything, just ask him.

MARTHA I’ll do that, don’t worry.

TOM And of course, Henry will give you your cocoa.

MARTHA I think I’ll enjoy my cocoa.

HENRY You certainly will, Martha. This way. (Leads her out, L) See you in the morning, Tom. Good night. (Exit)

MARTHA Good night, Dr Thorne. Sleep soundly.

TOM I shall. Goodnight, Martha. Enjoy your cocoa.

MARTHA I’ll enjoy my cocoa, you needn’t worry.

HENRY (off) Special cocoa, best sleeping pill in the world. Come on, Martha, your cocoa’s getting cold.

(Exit Martha, L)

TOM (to himself) Special cocoa? It was only the usual Bournville! The damned fool!