4M 3F
AMELIA SLATER
LIZ JORDAN
HENRY SLATER
BEN JORDAN
VICKY SLATER
ABEL MERRYWEATHER
THE UNDERTAKER

The action takes place in a provincial town on a Saturday afternoon

Time: the present

Running time: about 40 minutes
The sitting room of a small house in a provincial town. Table and chairs, one or two armchairs, pegs on wall with a hat or two on them, other furnishings ad lib. When the curtain rises AMELIA is laying the table. She is in her best dress and has a black armband on. She listens a moment and then goes to the window, opens it and calls into the street

AMELIA: Vicky! Vicky! Come in, will you.

Amelia closes window and returns to her work at the table. Vicky enters

AMELIA: I'm amazed at you, Vicky, I really am. How you can be gallivanting about in the street with your grandfather lying upstairs the way he is, I really don't know. Go and get changed before Aunt Liz and Uncle Ben come.

VICKY: What are they coming for? They haven't been for ages.

AMELIA: They're coming to talk over poor grandad's affairs. Your dad rang them as soon as we found he was gone. Good gracious! That's never them? (Hurries to door and opens it.) No, thank goodness, it's only your dad.

Enter HENRY SLATER. He is carrying a packet of tongue and wearing a black armband over his best suit

HENRY: Not come yet, eh?

AMELIA: You can see they haven't, can't you? Now, Vicky, get upstairs and quick. Put something appropriate on with a black ribbon in your hair. (VICKY goes out) I'm not satisfied, but black ribbon's the best we can do, and Ben and Liz won't even have thought about the funeral yet, so we can outshine them there. Get your shoes off, Henry. Liz's that nosy she notices the least speck of dirt.

HENRY sits and removes shoes.

HENRY: I'm wondering if they'll come at all. When you and Liz quarrelled she said she'd never set foot in this house again.

AMELIA: She'll come fast enough after her share of what grandfather's left. You know how hard she can be when she likes. Where she gets it from I can't imagine.

AMELIA unwraps the tongue

HENRY: I suppose it runs in the family. Genes, you know.

AMELIA: What do you mean by that, Henry Slater?

HENRY: I was referring to your dad, not to you. Where are my slippers?

AMELIA: In the kitchen, but you want a new pair. Those old ones are nearly worn out. You don't seem to realise what it's costing me to bear up like I am doing. My heart's fit to break when I see the little trifles that belonged to grandfather lying around, and think he'll never use them again. Here, you'd better wear these slippers of his. He got them at Marks's last week.

HENRY: Bit big for me, aren't they?

AMELIA: Well stuff them, then.

HENRY: Eh?

AMELIA: With paper! I'm not going to have them wasted. Henry, I've been thinking about that little black cabinet of grandfather's in his bedroom. You know I've always had my eye on it.

HENRY: You'll have to arrange it with Liz when you're dividing things up.

AMELIA: Liz's that sharp she'll see I'm after it, and she'll drive a hard bargain over it. What it is to have a mean, money-grubbing spirit!

HENRY: Maybe she's got her eye on it as well.

AMELIA: She's never been here since grandfather got it. If it was only down here instead of in his room, she'd never guess it wasn't ours.

HENRY: Ee, Amelia!

AMELIA: Henry, we'll bring that cabinet down here right away, before they come.

HENRY: No.

AMELIA: Why not?

HENRY: It doesn't seem quite right, somehow.

AMELIA: We can put that shabby old chair in its place. Liz can have that and welcome. I've always wanted rid of it.

HENRY: What if they come while we're doing it?

AMELIA: Get your coat off, Henry. We'll change it. I'll run up and get things out of the way.

HENRY takes his coat off. VICKY enters, dressed in mini skirt and bright yellow jacket

VICKY: Will you zip me up, mum?

AMELIA: Something appropriate, I said! You look like you?re going to take over from Edna the lollipop lady. Anyway, I'm busy. Get your dad to do it.

AMELIA exits upstairs, and HENRY zips up VICKY

VICKY: Are you busy, dad?

HENRY: Mother and me is going to bring grandfather's cabinet down here.

VICKY: Are we pinching it before Aunt Liz comes?

HENRY: No! Grandad gave it to your mum before he died.

VICKY: This morning?

HENRY: Yes.

VICKY: But he was drunk this morning.

HENRY: Don't say that. Especially not in front of Aunt Liz and Uncle Ben.

AMELIA reappears with a portable television

AMELIA: I thought I'd fetch this down as well. Ours is on the blink, I noticed this morning. And he won't need it now.

VICKY: That's grandad's telly!

AMELIA: Shut up! It's ours now. (Puts it on table.)

VICKY: Did he leave that to you as well?

AMELIA: Yes. Now don't you breathe a word of this to Aunt Lizzie and Uncle Ben. Come on, Henry, you carry the chair and I'll hold the door open.

HENRY staggers out with the chair

VICKY: I thought we'd pinched them.

Doorbell

AMELIA (off): Vicky, if that's your aunt and uncle you're not to open the door.

VICKY looks out of the window.

VICKY: Mum, it is them!

AMELIA: Don't open the door till I come down. (Doorbell again) Let them ring. (Bumping noise) Mind the wallpaper, Henry!

HENRY staggers in with the black cabinet which he puts where the chair was. AMELIA follows. Doorbell again

AMELIA: That was a near thing. Open the door, Vicky. Now, Henry, get your coat on.

HENRY: Sorry about the wallpaper, love. Did I scrape much off?

AMELIA: Never mind that. Do I look all right? Read this and sit down. (Passes him a magazine) Try and look as if we'd been waiting for them.

HENRY (sitting down): The telly!

He leaps up and puts the television on the cabinet, then sits down as LIZ and BEN enter. Both are wearing black armbands. The men shake hands, the women kiss. BEN and LIZ look round at the room

LIZ: Well, Amelia, so he's gone at last.

AMELIA: Yes, he's gone. He was seventy-two a fortnight last Sunday.

LIZ sits L of table, AMELIA R, HENRY in armchair, BEN anywhere convenient with VICKY near him

BEN: Now, Amelia, you mustn't give way. We've all got to die some time or other, and it might have been worse.

AMELIA: I don't see how.

BEN: It might have been one of us.

HENRY: You've taken your time getting here, Liz.

LIZ: We had some trouble with the car.

AMELIA: On a day like this?

BEN: It wouldn't start.

LIZ: The alternative, the RAC man said.

BEN: Alternator, love.

LIZ: Anyway, what did the doctor say?

AMELIA: Oh, he's not been here yet.

LIZ: Not been here?

BEN: Didn't you ring for him?

AMELIA: Of course. I'm not a fool. I rang at once for Dr Pringle, but he was out.

BEN: You should have asked for Dr Smithers, eh, Liz?

LIZ: Oh yes, it's a fatal mistake.

AMELIA: Pringle attended him when he was alive, and Pringle shall attend him when he's dead. Professional etiquette.

BEN: Well, you know your own business best -

LIZ: Yes, a fatal mistake.

AMELIA: Don't talk so silly, Liz. What could a doctor have done? Anyway, I've rung the undertaker.

BEN: The Co-op?

AMELIA: Yes.

LIZ: You have to be brain dead.

AMELIA: What do you mean? They do as good a funeral as any!

LIZ: No, I mean, to be dead nowadays, you have to be brain dead.

VICKY: Mr Smith at school?s always saying I?m brain dead.

HENRY: Victoria!

LIZ: You see, when you think of all the people they bring round now.

HENRY: That?s when they?ve been drowned. Your dad wasn?t drowned, Liz.

BEN: There wasn?t much fear of that. If there?s one thing he couldn?t stand, it was water. (He laughs, but no-one else does)

LIZ: Ben!

AMELIA: I?m sure he washed regular enough.

LIZ: If he did indulge a bit too much at times, we?ll not dwell on that now.

AMELIA: He was a bit tiddly this morning, I thought. He was supposed to go to the Pru to pay his insurance. He?d forgotten all about it.

BEN: My word! It?s a good thing he went when he did. Didn?t he have direct debit?

AMELIA: He must have gone round to the "Ring of Bells" afterwards, because he came in happy as Larry. I says, "We were only waiting for Henry to start dinner." "Dinner," he says, "I don't want no dinner. I'm going to bed."

BEN: Dear dear.

HENRY: And when I went up I found him undressed sure enough and snug in bed in his night shirt.

LIZ: Yes, he'd had a warning. I'm sure of that. Did he know you?

HENRY: Yes, he spoke to me.

LIZ: Did he say he felt funny?

HENRY: No, he said, "Henry, would you mind taking my shoes off: I forgot before I got into bed."

LIZ: He must have been wandering.

HENRY: No, he'd got 'em on all right.

AMELIA: And when we'd had dinner I took him a bit of something up on a tray. He was lying there for all the world as if he was asleep, so I put the tray down on his cabinet his chest of drawers - and went to wake him up. He was quite cold.

HENRY: Then I heard Amelia calling for me, and ran upstairs.

AMELIA: Of course we could do nothing.

LIZ: He was gone?

HENRY: There wasn't any doubt.

LIZ: I always knew he?d go sudden in the end.

A pause as they wipe their eyes and sniff back tears

AMELIA: Well, do you want to go and look at him now, or what?

BEN: I must say I wouldn?t mind a cuppa first, Amelia, if that?s all right?

AMELIA: Well, I have boiled the kettle.

LIZ: We might as well have tea first, if it?s all right with you, Amelia.

BEN: It?s not as if your dad?s going anywhere, is it?

HENRY: One thing we may as well decide now - the announcement in the paper.

LIZ: I?ve been thinking of that. What do you want to put?

AMELIA: Suddenly at home. The usual thing.

HENRY: You wouldn?t care for a bit of a verse?

LIZ: What about ?Never Forgotten??

HENRY: It?s a bit soon for that.

BEN: Yes, it?s only going to be the day or so after.

AMELIA: I fancy ?A loving husband, a kind father, and a faithful friend?.

BEN: Is that true?

HENRY: I don?t think that matters now.

LIZ: No, as long as it looks right.

HENRY: There?s a good one in yesterday?s paper. (He picks it up and reads) ?Despised and forgotten by some you may be, but the spot that contains you is sacred to we?.

LIZ: You can?t say that. ?Sacred to we??

HENRY: Somebody has.

AMELIA: You wouldn?t say it if you were talking proper, but you can in poetry. I could never understand poetry at school, but they used to write things like that.

VICKY: How about ?My love is like a cabbage, a cabbage cut in two; the leaves I give to rabbits, the heart I give to you??

AMELIA: No, that?s no good.

VICKY: They put it in valentines.

AMELIA: No. We want something that says how much we loved him and refers to all his good qualities and says what a loss he is to us.

HENRY: His good qualities. (Sucks in his breath)

LIZ: Oh, I know! (Rummages in her handbag and produces pocket diary) Here we are. I saw this on a gravestone last year and copied it down. You never know when things come in handy, do you? (Reads) ?Remember, man, as you pass by, as you are now, so once was I: as I am now, some day you?ll be, so prepare yourself to follow me?. You remember that, Ben? I pointed it out to you.

BEN: Aye, but you didn?t see what somebody had written underneath. ?To follow you I?d be content, if I only knew which way you went?. (Roars with laughter. No-one else does) Aye, well, I thought it was funny.

HENRY: You don?t want it funny.

LIZ: Well, we?ll think about it after tea, and then we?ll go through his bits of things and make a list. There?s all the furniture in his room.

HENRY: There?s no jewellery or valuables, mind.

LIZ: Except his presentation gold watch. He promised that to our Jimmy.

AMELIA: First I?ve heard of it.

LIZ: Oh, but he did, Amelia, when he was living with us. He was very fond of Jimmy.

AMELIA; Well, I don?t know!

BEN: Anyhow, there's the insurance money. Have you got the receipt from the Pru?

AMELIA: I haven't seen it.

VICKY: Mum, I don't think grandad went to pay his insurance this morning.

AMELIA: He went out.

VICKY: Yes, but he didn't catch the bus into town. He met old Mr Tattersall down the street, and they walked past St Philip's church.

AMELIA: To the "Ring of Bells", I'll be bound.

BEN: The "Ring of Bells"?

AMELIA: That pub that John Shorrocks's widow runs. He's always hanging about there. I hope he's paid it.

BEN: Do you think he might not have? Was it overdue?

AMELIA: He had a reminder. I think it was overdue.

LIZ: Something tells me he's not paid it. I know it, he's not paid it.

BEN: Ah, well, he should have used direct debit, the drunken old bu - beggar.

LIZ: He's done it on purpose, just to annoy us.

AMELIA: After all I've done for him having to put up with him living here for three years, it's nothing short of swindling.

LIZ: I had to put up with him for five years.

AMELIA: And you were trying to put him onto us all the time.

HENRY: But we don't know for certain that he's not paid the premium.

LIZ: I do. It's come over me all at once that he hasn't.

AMELIA: Vicky, run upstairs and fetch that bunch of keys that's on your grandad's dressing table.

VICKY: In grandad's room?

AMELIA: Yes.

VICKY: Do I have to?

AMELIA: Don't be silly. He can't hurt you.

Exit VICKY reluctantly

AMELIA: Now, we'll see if he's put that receipt in the cabinet.

BEN: What, in that thing? (Points to cabinet) What would he put it in there for?

LIZ: Where did you pick that up, Amelia?

BEN: Off the Antiques Roadshow, eh?

LIZ: Ben!

AMELIA: Oh, Henry picked it up one day.

LIZ: I like it. Was it at Patterson?s, or the other antiques shop in the town?

HENRY: Er, where did I get it, Amelia?

AMELIA: At a car boot sale.

BEN: Oh. You have to watch those places, you know. There?s a lot of sharks about.

LIZ: Don?t show your ignorance, Ben. It?s a genuine antique. Bamber Gascoigne would give a fortune for it.

BEN: Bamber Gascoigne??

LIZ: You know. Him off the Antiques Roadshow.

BEN: Bamber Gascoigne doesn?t do the Antiques Roadshow!

LIZ: Jeremy Paxman, then, or whoever it is.

Enter Vicky, very scared

VICKY: Mum!

AMELIA: What?s the matter, pet? You look like you?ve seen a ghost.

BEN: The old feller?s not up and about, is he? (Laughs)

LIZ: Ben!

VICKY: Yeah! Grandad?s getting up.

AMELIA: What?

VICKY: Grandad?s getting up.

AMELIA: Don?t talk so silly. You know your grandad?s - not with us any more.

VICKY: He is now. He?s getting up. I?ve just seen him.

They are transfixed with amazement. BEN and ELIZABETH move to one side, VICKY clings to her mother; HENRY at other side of them

LIZ: Somebody had better go up and see for themselves.

BEN: Don?t look at me. He?s your father.

AMELIA: Henry!

HENRY: Me???

AMELIA: Henry Slater, you let your own daughter go up there alone!

HENRY: Aye, but we all thought he was ...

VICKY: Well, he?s not. At least, I don?t think so.

HENRY: You don?t think so? Either he is or he isn?t.

BEN: Listen! (Points to door, which opens as ABEL enters. He is wearing a night-shirt and dressing gown, long johns, woolly hat and is in his stockinged feet)

ABEL: What?s the matter with Vicky? (Sees BEN and LIZ) Hello! What brings you two here? How?s yourself, Ben?

BEN and LIZ retreat to a safe distance

AMELIA: Grandad, is that you? (Pokes him in the ribs)

ABEL: Don?t do that. Of course it?s me. What do you mean by this tomfoolery?

AMELIA: He?s all right!

BEN: Looks like it.

ABEL: Well, Lizzie, you don?t look very pleased to see me, I must say.

LIZ: You took us by surprise, dad. Are you well?

ABEL: What?

LIZ: Are you quite well?

ABEL: I?m all right, except for a bit of a headache. I?ll bet I?m not the first in this house to make his way to the cemetery. I always think Henry here looks none too healthy. (HENRY sinks into a chair)

LIZ: Well I never!

ABEL: I got cold, mind. It?s this night shirt, you know. It rides up. Look, I?ll show you. (He opens his dressing gown and begins to pull up his night shirt) It starts here, then rides up to here, then -

Consternation among the others. HENRY places himself strategically in front of ABEL, spreading his jacket. BEN buries his face in his hands. AMELIA grabs a hat from the pegs and places it in front of ABEL?s crotch) AMELIA: Yes, father, we know. You?ve told us before. Don?t look, Vicky!

ABEL: So that?s why I came down. And what the dickens did I do with my new slippers? Why, Henry, you?ve got them on!

AMELIA: He?s breaking them in for you. (She snatches them and gives them to ABEL, who puts them on)

LIZ: Well, fancy! Stepping into a dead man?s shoes as quick as that.

VICKY: Oh, grandad, I?m so glad you?re not dead.

AMELIA: Shut up, Vicky!

ABEL: Eh? Who?s dead?

AMELIA: Vicky says she?s sorry about your head.

ABEL: Thanks, Vicky. I?m feeling a lot better now.

AMELIA: He?s so fond of Vicky.

LIZ: Yes, he?s fond of our Jimmy too.

AMELIA: Can you just ask him if he did promise that gold watch to your Jimmy?

LIZ: Not right now. I don?t feel up to it, what with the shock and all.

ABEL: Hallo! Ben?s wearing a black armband. And Lizzie too! And the rest of you! I didn?t know people still did this. Who?s died?

AMELIA: Nobody, dad.

ABEL: (The current England manager or local football manager) hasn?t resigned, has he?

AMELIA: It?s a relation of Ben?s.

ABEL: Who?

AMELIA: His brother.

BEN: Eh?

ABEL: Your brother, eh? I am sorry. What was his name?

BEN: Er - er -

AMELIA: Frank.

LIZ: Tom.

BEN: Frank - Tom.

ABEL: Plankton?

BEN: Frampton.

ABEL: Frampton? And where did Frampton die?

BEN: Australia.

ABEL: Dear me. Older than you?

BEN: Oh, years and years.

ABEL: Will you be flying out?

BEN: Yes.

LIZ: No.

BEN: No, I can?t.

ABEL: Well, I suppose you?ve only been waiting for me to come down. I?m starving. Shall we start the tea?

AMELIA: I?ll fetch the teapot. (Exit)

ABEL: Come on then. Let?s sit down and get started.

They all sit round table. AMELIA re-enters with teapot, takes her place, and pours

AMELIA: Henry, help grandad to tongue.

ABEL: No, no. I?ll help myself. (Helps himself to a liberal amount of bread, butter and meat. HENRY serves the others while AMELIA pours the tea. Only ABEL eats with any appetite)

BEN: Glad to see you?ve got an appetite, Abel, even though you?ve not been too grand.

ABEL: Nothing serious. I lay down for a bit.

LIZ: Did you sleep, dad?

ABEL: Not a wink.

HENRY AND AMELIA: Oh?

ABEL: I can?t recall everything to mind, like, but I remember I felt a bit dazed. I couldn?t move a muscle.

VICKY: Like those people who get abducted by aliens, grandad?

BEN: And could you see and hear?

ABEL: Aye, but I don?t remember anything in particular. Pass the mustard, Ben. (Ben does)

AMELIA: You must have dozed off, dad.

ABEL: I tell you I wasn?t asleep, Amelia. Dammit, I ought to know!

HENRY: Did anyone come into the room?

ABEL: Now let me think ...

VICKY: Grey figures with pointy faces and big eyes? Did you see a strange light or hear funny noises?

AMELIA: That will do, Victoria!

LIZ: Didn?t you see Henry or Amelia come in?

ABEL: Figures? Henry? Amelia?

AMELIA: Don?t pressurise him, Liz. Let him get over it.

HENRY: Yes, you mustn?t worry him.

ABEL: Aye, begad! Amelia! Henry! What the devil did you mean by moving that cabinet of mine? Do you hear? Henry? Amelia?

LIZ: Cabinet, dad? What cabinet?

ABEL: Why, that little antique cabinet of mine, that I bought for a song at the antiques auction.

LIZ: That one, dad? (Points to it)

ABEL: Aye, that?s it. The one with the telly on top (Stares at television. Doorbell)

AMELIA: Go and see who that is, Vicky. (Exit Vicky)

ABEL: Drat me if that isn?t my telly too! What?s going on in this house?

Embarrassed pause, during which Vicky returns.

VICKY: It's a man in black. With a tape measure.

Enter the UNDERTAKER

AMELIA: Mr Farthingale!

UNDERTAKER: Mrs Slater. And where is the Dear Departed?

AMELIA: Er - Henry, you tell him.

HENRY: Ben, what was the name of your brother?

BEN: Frank - Tom - er - er -

LIZ: Frampton.

ABEL: If it's Plankton you're after, you've come to the wrong country.

VICKY: I don't think he's come for Frampton, grandpa. I think he's come for you.

The UNDERTAKER automatically begins to measure Abel

AMELIA: Look, Mr Farthingale, it's all been a dreadful mistake!

UNDERTAKER: It was you who rang, surely? I remember speaking to you not an hour ago.

AMELIA: Well, you see, we thought - er - we thought -

ABEL: It?s Australia you want to be, not here. That?s where Plankton is, poor feller.

UNDERTAKER: Plankton?

AMELIA: Take no notice. He?s not been too well lately. (Pushes the undertaker out) Nice to have seen you, Mr Farthingale. Goodbye. Sorry you were troubled. (Exit UNDERTAKER)

ABEL: At least you don?t have to pay a call-out fee.

BEN: Well, I'll be hanged.

LIZ: So that?s what you two have been up to? Nothing short of robbery.

AMELIA: Shut up, Elizabeth!

LIZ: I will not shut up. You're real two-faced, you are!

HENRY: Now now, Liz.

LIZ: And you. Are you such a mouse that you have to do every sneaky thing she tells you?

AMELIA: Just you remember where you are, Lizzie.

HENRY: Come on, calm down, everybody.

BEN: My wife has every right to speak her own mind.

AMELIA: Then she can speak it outside, not here.

ABEL: Damn it all, will someone tell me what's been going on?

LIZ: Yes, I will. I'll not see you robbed.

ABEL: Who's been robbing me?

LIZ: Amelia and Henry. They've stolen your telly and cabinet. They sneaked into your room like a thief in the night and stole them after you were dead.

HENRY AND AMELIA: Shut up, Liz!

LIZ: I will not shut up. After you were dead, I say.

ABEL: After who was dead?

LIZ: You. You.

ABEL: But I'm not dead.

LIZ: No, but they thought you were.

ABEL: So that's what's the matter! You thought I was dead. That was a big mistake. (Sits and resumes his tea)

AMELIA: Dad.

ABEL: It didn't take you long to start dividing the spoils.

LIZ: No, dad, you mustn't think that. Amelia was getting her hands on them for herself.

ABEL: You always were a sharp one, Amelia. I suppose you thought the will wasn't fair.

HENRY: Did you make a will?

ABEL: Yes, it was locked up in the cabinet.

LIZ: And what was in it, dad?

ABEL: That doesn't matter now. I'm thinking of destroying it and making another.

AMELIA (sobbing): Don't be hard on me, dad.

ABEL: I'll trouble you for another cup of tea, Amelia. Two sugars and plenty of milk.

AMELIA: With pleasure, dad. (Pours it out.)

ABEL: I don't want to be hard on anyone. I'll tell you what I'll do. Since your mother died, I've lived part of the time with you, Amelia, and part with you, Lizzie. Well, I shall make a new will, leaving all my bits of things to whoever I'm living with when I die. How does that grab you?

HENRY: It's a bit of a lottery, like.

LIZ: And who do you intend to live with from now on?

ABEL: I'm just coming to that. (Drinks his tea.)

LIZ: You know, dad, it's quite time you came to live with us again. We'd make you very comfortable.

AMELIA: No, he's not been with us as long as he was with you.

LIZ: I may be wrong, but I don't think dad will fancy living on with you after what's happened today.

ABEL: So you'd like to have me again, Lizzie?

LIZ: You know we're ready for you to make your home with us for as long as you please.

ABEL: What do you say to that, Amelia?

AMELIA: All I can say is that Liz's changed her mind in the last two years. Dad, do you know what the quarrel between us was about?

LIZ: Amelia, don't be a fool. Sit down.

AMELIA: No, if I'm not to have him, you shan't either. We quarrelled because Liz said she wouldn't take you off our hands at any price. She said she'd had enough of you to last a lifetime, and we'd got to keep you.

ABEL: Seems to me that neither of you has any cause to feel proud about the way you've treated me.

AMELIA: If I've done anything wrong, I'm sorry for it.

LIZ: And I can't say more than that, either.

ABEL: It's a bit late to say it now. You neither of you cared to put up with me.

AMELIA AND LIZ: No, no, dad.

ABEL: Aye, you?d have something else to say if I hadn?t told you about my will. Well, since you don't want me, I'll go to someone that does.

BEN: Come on, Abel, you've got to live with one of your daughters.

ABEL: I'll tell you what I've got to do. On Monday I've got to do three things. I've got to see my solicitor and change my will; I've got to go to the bank and open a direct debit for my insurance premium in future; and I've got to go to St Philip's and get married.

BEN AND HENRY: What???

LIZ: Get married?

AMELIA: He's off his head.

ABEL: I'm going to get married.

AMELIA: Who to, for goodness' sake?

ABEL: To young Mrs Shorrocks who runs the "Ring of Bells". We've had it fixed up a good while now, but I was keeping it as a pleasant surprise. I felt I was a bit of a burden to you, so I found someone who'd like to look after me. Nice young lass, too. Not forty yet and fit as a fiddle. Does a lot of aerobics. We'll be very glad to see you at the ceremony. Till Monday, then. Twelve o'clock at St Philip's. Good thing you brought that cabinet downstairs, Amelia. It'll be handier to take it to the "Ring of Bells" on Monday.

Goes out whistling "I'm Getting Married in the Morning"