ACT ONE
The living room of the home of Walter and Mabel Springlove, on a cold afternoon in April. Door to hallway L. Door to kitchen R. Unremarkable decor and furniture: sideboard with various articles on it which must include some CDs, three-piece suite, low table. Olive, Shirley, Sally and Catriona are sitting in a semi-circle in preparation for a meeting. Their coats are draped over the backs of chairs or anywhere convenient; their handbags are lying near them. As the curtain opens they are finishing cups of tea which Mabel is slowly collecting on a tray. At present she is beside Shirley but she moves round the group as the dialogue progresses
SHIRLEY And he's had his ears seen to, has he?
MABEL No, Shirley, of course not. I always have to chase him about it. He hates having them syringed. He's his own worst enemy, you know.
SHIRLEY I had to drag Michael to the doctor's to get his done. He didn't like it.
SALLY He's at a difficult age, of course, your Michael. He's six, isn't he?
SHIRLEY Nearly.
OLIVE (who has picked up the last few words of this conversation) Children don't like having their ears syringed. I never did. What were you saying about Walter's ears, Mabel? Are they still as bad as ever?
MABEL I was just saying he can't hear a thing because they're full of wax and he won't get them seen to.
SHIRLEY So it isn't deafness?
MABEL No. The doctor says there's nothing wrong with his ears. If he would get them syringed, he would hear as clear as a bell. But he's so - so stubborn. He just refuses to go and I have to put up with him not being able to hear me.
SALLY Well, stubborn or not, I can sympathise with that. Not wanting his ears syringed, I mean.
MABEL Yes, but Sally, you can understand a little boy like Michael not liking it, but Walter's nearly seventy. And believe me, that's a difficult age too. In fact, it's a bit more difficult for me than it is for him, and has been ever since he retired.
SHIRLEY What was it he did? Something in the courts?
MABEL He was a court usher. I only hope he leaves us alone this afternoon. We've got enough on our plates without adding his ear wax.
CATRIONA Ugh! A plate of ear wax.
MABEL Any more tea, anyone?
OLIVE No thanks. It was lovely.
Mabel collects the rest of the cups and puts them out of the way during the dialogue
SALLY Just what you need on a cold day. Olive, have you got the agenda?
SHIRLEY Yes, let's make a start. I have to collect Michael from school in three quarters of an hour.
MABEL Yes, and that game show's on at half four. I never miss it if I can help it.
CATRIONA Which one?
MABEL Oh, what's it called? You know, that feller with the glasses. What's-his-name. You know. He's got that brainy girl helping him.
CATRIONA That general knowledge game? I never get any of the answers.
SALLY I don't think that university is doing you much good, if that's the case. Don't they teach you about the great historical figures, artists, poets, Restoration wits, the great men of letters and things like that?
CATRIONA You what? Aunt Sally, I'm doing media studies.
SALLY Well, let's start, shall we?
SHIRLEY Yes. I've got to go in less than forty minutes.
OLIVE (producing a few sheets of paper from a manila file beside her) Meeting dated Monday, April 9th. Minutes of last meeting. (Shuffles the papers)
SALLY Take as read?
MABEL Seconded.
SHIRLEY Did you take any?
OLIVE No. At least, I did, but I've lost them.
Enter Walter from kitchen. He is slightly hard of hearing because of the reasons discussed earlier. He is wearing overalls and has a pencil jammed behind one ear, which he keeps there throughout the scene. Being a retired court usher, his speech is always very precise
MABEL Oh no! What do you want?
WALTER My Workmate isn't in here by any chance?
MABEL What?
WALTER My Workmate.
OLIVE No, there's only us.
WALTER Could be behind the settee. (Goes and looks)
CATRIONA Having a kip, is he, your work mate?
WALTER No, I thought not.
CATRIONA You mean he's not having a kip, or he's not there?
WALTER What's a tip? Behind the settee, did you say? Perfectly tidy.
MABEL She meant a sleep, Walter.
WALTER Sheep?
MABEL Just find what you're looking for and let us get on in peace.
WALTER (to the world in general) I do all the housework, you know. Have done since I retired. And I don't leave this place looking like a tip, oh no.
SALLY Ignore Catriona, Walter. It's her sense of humour, or what passes for one.
WALTER I'm talking about my Workmate. My jig, right? My portable woodworking bench that I've had for the last twenty years, right? Marketed under the name of Workmate. Anyone knows that.
MABEL It's in the garage.
WALTER (to Sally, about Catriona) She's your niece, isn't she?
SALLY Yes.
MABEL Walter: in - the - garage.
WALTER Who is?
MABEL Your Workmate. (To the others) See what I mean? Full of wax, and he still won't get them seen to.
WALTER What's it doing there? You haven't put it behind the car again?
MABEL Well, it certainly doesn't belong in here.
WALTER You realise I'll have to get the car out to get at the Workmate now?
MABEL You go and do that, Walter, and let us get on with this meeting.
WALTER Oh, you're having a meeting?
SALLY Trying to.
WALTER St Werburgh's, is it?
SALLY The Fund-raising Committee of the PCC.
WALTER The BBC? Are they coming?
MABEL Fund-raising! The PCC. Parochial Church Council. Go and get your ears syringed.
WALTER I don't need them syringed. I can hear. Fund-raising, eh? What is it this time? New car for the new Vicar? She's nice, isn't she, the Vicar? Fine figure of a woman. Plenty of oomph. Not the sort of thing you usually say about a new Vicar, is it?
SHIRLEY We're raising funds for the belfry, actually.
WALTER I'll tell you what. She's filling the church. She must have something the last one didn't have, oh yes. I'll tell you what it is, too: it's not just the church she's filling, oh no. She can fill the pulpit too. My word she can! That sounding board's just the right height -
MABEL Walter, shut up.
WALTER What? Did somebody speak? (To Shirley) Was it you?
SHIRLEY All I said was the belfry is what we're raising money for.
WALTER The belfry. Bats, is it?
CATRIONA No, that's the Cricket Club. This is bells.
WALTER Mrs Bell? What about her?
CATRIONA Bells! Ding dong.
WALTER Oh! I'll get it. (Begins to head for door to hallway)
MABEL There's nobody there, Walter. (To the others) There was a case of a man in the paper not long ago. He'd been deaf for sixty years until he got his ears syringed, then all of a sudden he could hear again.
WALTER He'd been what?
MABEL Deaf for sixty years! Then he was cured.
WALTER Rubbish!
MABEL It's true. It was in The Sun.
WALTER You can't be dead for sixty years then be cured.
MABEL Deaf! Because of his ear wax. He wouldn't get them syringed.
WALTER Well, I'm not like that. I haven't been deaf for sixty years.
MABEL It feels like it sometimes. Get on with whatever you're doing.
WALTER I know when I'm not wanted. (Exits to kitchen)
MABEL You see what I mean? Full of wax. Can't hear a thing, and it will go on until I drag him to the doctor's, then he'll be all right. If he'd go himself instead of being so stubborn about it, he wouldn't have this problem.
SHIRLEY What time is it, Sally?
SALLY Ten to three.
SHIRLEY I have to go at ten past.
Walter re-enters
WALTER Mabel, have you got the garage key?
MABEL It's over there. Why do you want the Workmate in the first place? You're not going to work in the garage on a day like this, surely.
WALTER (getting the key) We'll be all right. We've got a portable heater.
MABEL We? Who's we?
WALTER I'm getting Mr Zbzynsky to work with me on some repairs we're doing for the church hall. The broken banister rail, you know. You asked me to do it in the first place, right?
CATRIONA Mr who?
WALTER Wu? No, he runs the takeaway. Does a nice egg foo yung. No, this is Zbzynsky that I'm talking about. The caretaker. He pioneered asylum-seeking years ago. Came over here from Poland or Czechoslovakia or somewhere. He's in the back kitchen now.
CATRIONA Oh, is he that foreign sounding man I spoke to this morning?
WALTER Probably. (Going) That new Vicar, you know, she'll get me back into church. Oh yes. (Exit to kitchen)
SALLY Perhaps we can now make some progress.
OLIVE There wasn't a man behind the settee, was there?
SALLY Oh, don't you start! One's enough.
SHIRLEY Matters arising, Olive.
OLIVE Where am I?
SHIRLEY In Mabel's sitting room, and I've got to go in a few minutes.
OLIVE Oh, the minutes? Where did I put them?
CATRIONA You lost them, if you remember.
OLIVE In that case it must be the agenda now. What was it again, Sally?
SALLY Fund-raising for repairs to the belfry and bells.
OLIVE Anything else?
SALLY Just that. If we ever get started. Shirley, you did the costing, didn't you?
SHIRLEY The cost of repairs to the beams, plus the ropes and tackle for the bells is going to run to several thousand, and when you add the repairs to the bells themselves, it's going to land us with a bill of well into five figures. Over forty-five thousand. Maybe fifty.
MABEL Ooh, that's a lot of money!
OLIVE Yes, it is, isn't it?
MABEL A lot.
SALLY Yes, but not unexpected, surely. The problem now is how we raise it.
OLIVE We can't raise a sum like that, surely.
SALLY There are various options open to us. We could try bodies like the Lottery Grants organisation, English Heritage, various charitable trusts, and so on.
MABEL They'll not give us money, Sally!
OLIVE No.
SALLY Why not?
MABEL Well, because - because nobody's heard of us. We're not well-known.
CATRIONA Who says we have to be?
OLIVE Mabel's right. We're just a small community. We can't raise money like that, and I don't agree with the idea at all. We're just ordinary people, and ordinary people don't do things like that, do they?
SHIRLEY All the same, it'll be a pity if we don't do something. After all, St Werburgh's is the only church in the area with a mediaeval spire and the original belfry, and if we don't make the effort, who will?
SALLY Thank you, Shirley. As you say, it's up to us, and remember, the Vicar got us together because she wants the belfry to be restored as soon as possible. She's looking to us to get the job done.
MABEL Perhaps we should be looking for people a bit brainier than we are. We've got Catriona here, and she's a university student, so perhaps we should be getting people like her involved.
OLIVE Young people, yes. I don't think we should do it. Let Catriona take it on.
CATRIONA Me?
SALLY Speaking as Catriona's aunt, I know the limits of her abilities, and they certainly don't run to fund-raising.
CATRIONA Are you referring to the fact that I'm already five grand in debt as a student?
SALLY It had crossed my mind.
CATRIONA I'm glad it did, because there's no way I could take on this fund-raising scheme.
SHIRLEY In any case, Catriona's far too young.
CATRIONA Yes, I am. Far too young.
MABEL (doubtfully) We could try a white elephant stall, I suppose.
OLIVE (becoming enthusiastic) We could knit tea cosies, kettle holders, pin cushion covers. They might bring in a few pounds.
CATRIONA What are kettle holders?
MABEL Knitted squares that you use to - well - hold kettles with.
OLIVE When you take them off the fire, dear, so you don't burn your hand on the hot metal handle.
CATRIONA The fire?
SHIRLEY Olive, nobody has open fires these days, and if they do, they don't boil kettles on them any more.
OLIVE My mother does!
SALLY So that's one kettle holder sold.
MABEL (seriously) Yes. And who knows, perhaps we could sell a few more.
SHIRLEY The Church Bazaar's a long way off, though. (Begins to pick up her things ready to go).
SALLY Right, well, before you do dash, Shirley, can I just put this idea before everybody, if we've exhausted the subject of kettle holders?
OLIVE Yes.
SALLY And will you minute it, Olive?
OLIVE Oh, wait till I find a pen. (Begins to scrabble helplessly for pen in her bag)
CATRIONA Here. (Produces pen from her pocket)
OLIVE Thanks. Right. (Prepares to write)
SALLY This is the other option I think we have. You see, white elephant stalls and knitted kettle holders are not going to raise the kind of money we need. Now if we approach the Lottery Grants people, or English Heritage or whoever, we'll almost certainly need to match pound for pound in order to make a good impression on them.
OLIVE Just a minute. (Writing) Pound for pound.
SALLY Yes.
OLIVE And was it the National Heritage Association?
MABEL English Heritage, dear, and National Lottery. (Spelling) H - e - r - i -
SALLY Yes, well, if I can get on because Shirley has to get away. A calendar.
MABEL There's one in the kitchen, Sally. I'll get it.
SALLY No. That's the idea. A calendar.
SHIRLEY Calendar?
CATRIONA With a picture of the church?
SALLY In a way, yes. Yes, in a way it will have pictures of the church.
OLIVE That'll be nice.
SALLY But when I say the church, I actually mean the congregation.
SHIRLEY And everyone buys them?
SALLY Yes, but if we handle it right, we'll sell these calendars across the entire country.
MABEL How?
SALLY Media interest, Mabel, that's how.
CATRIONA Media interest in our church?
OLIVE What, television and all that?
SALLY Precisely. And that's why I brought Catriona along.
CATRIONA Uh?
SALLY Well, you're doing media studies at university, aren't you?
CATRIONA Yes. But I thought I was here just to make up a quorum or something.
SALLY No. You can give us ideas on getting the media interested in what I'm proposing we do.
SHIRLEY Well, what is it, Sally, because I've got to go.
SALLY I told you. A picture calendar of the congregation. Now this sort of thing's already been done, and each time it's generated a lot of media interest and made the people concerned an awful lot of money. It started with some WI group in Yorkshire, I think, who needed to raise funds, just like us.
CATRIONA Just a minute, Aunt Sally. You're not going to suggest what I think you're going to suggest?
SALLY Yes, I am.
CATRIONA Oh no! Oh no! Definitely not. You, for example? You?
SALLY Well, yes. I suppose I'll have to set the example. But it will all be very tasteful, you know.
SHIRLEY Sally, it's not going to be one of those calendars of people without any clothes on, is it?
SALLY Why not? It didn't do that WI branch any harm. And then there was a hunt in Northumberland who did it.
MABEL Did what?
CATRIONA Had a calendar made up of themselves with no clothes on, as a fund-raising idea.
OLIVE What? On their horses? With no clothes on?
CATRIONA The horses certainly hadn't any clothes on.
MABEL Did the riders?
CATRIONA Not a stitch.
MABEL The men as well?
CATRIONA Yep.
MABEL You mean you could see everything?
SALLY No! You certainly couldn't see everything. The whole point was that it was tasteful.
OLIVE Oh, no! Definitely not. I couldn't do anything like that. A church group? People like us couldn't do it. It's probably blasphemy or something.
MABEL But why did they do it?
SALLY To raise funds, and they succeeded in their aim.
CATRIONA Beyond their wildest dreams, in the case of that WI group. Somebody in Hollywood was even talking of making a film about it.
OLIVE Were they those people who look at pornography on the Internet?
SALLY No, they were all very respectable people. That's the point of it. You get respectable local people to pose nude, but with everything tastefully concealed behind things like newspapers and articles of furniture.
OLIVE But respectable people don't take their clothes off. The PCC would never agree.
MABEL What did you say they hid behind?
CATRIONA Furniture, kitchen equipment, bales of straw, hunting gear, horses' tails artfully draped, newspapers, song sheets -
SHIRLEY What about the Vicar?
SALLY (mischievously) Well, if you wished, I suppose you could conceal someone discreetly behind the Vicar.
SHIRLEY I meant -
SALLY I know what you meant, Shirley. What would she think? She'd probably join in herself.
MABEL What!
CATRIONA Yes, I can visualise her in the pulpit, partly hidden by the sounding board. (Sidelong glance at Sally) Tasteful, you see, not like some old fuddy-duddy. Right, Aunt Sally?
OLIVE Sacrilege!
SALLY Seriously, though, you wouldn't take the pictures in the church. You'd take them outside, in the churchyard, for example.
MABEL Among the headstones?
CATRIONA Yes, they're big enough.
MABEL But that's desecration, isn't it?
SALLY In that case we'd take the pictures elsewhere. Your garden, for instance, Olive. You've got plenty of trees and shrubs. You've got some nice dwarf conifers of the right height.
MABEL But then no-one would know it was to do with the church.
OLIVE Yes, that's probably the best idea.
SHIRLEY And would this just be women?
SALLY Oh no. We'd ask the men too. You can't exclude them, you know. The male choristers, for example, Cyril the verger, old Tom the churchwarden.
OLIVE He's eighty! And Cyril's a retired schoolteacher!
SHIRLEY And a game old bird. They both are. They'd do it, I think, especially if we were all taken in a group with nothing on.
OLIVE Don't say you're interested in this, Shirley. You're the mother of a little boy, and you're interested in what sounds like a - a -
MABEL - orgy.
SHIRLEY I may be.
OLIVE An orgy! The PCC?
SHIRLEY Sounds like fun. Look, I'll have to dash to pick up Michael, but I'll come back. I'm dropping him off at a children's birthday party, but I'll definitely come back to see how the discussion's going.
CATRIONA I'll do it if that Alex does it.
SALLY Who?
CATRIONA That new postman. God! He's gorgeous!
SALLY Well, I suppose a bit of beefcake would do no harm.
CATRIONA You could take him beside the pillar box, with the door strategically open.
SALLY Yes, or holding a carefully-positioned recorded delivery envelope. Countless possibilities spread themselves before us, Catriona.
OLIVE (quite seriously) I don't think I'd ever be able to handle a letter from him again.
MABEL (equally seriously) No, you'd always be wondering what he'd done with it first.
SHIRLEY Look, I've got to dash. Won't be long.
Enter Walter and Mr Zbzynsky from kitchen. Mr Zbzynsky is wearing overalls
WALTER Phoo! It's perishing out there. Really cold for April. About time this global warming took effect. (To Shirley) You going?
SHIRLEY Yes, I've got to go for Michael.
WALTER A bike? You've never come on a bike! (Exit Shirley to hallway)
MABEL Walter, we're still in our meeting.
WALTER Yes, I know. The heating's okay in the garage, and okay in here, but outside, it's ... (embraces himself to indicate cold)
ZBZYNSKY Kolodny, eh? Cold.
MABEL How can we help you, Walter?
ZBZYNSKY Ah! How can I help you? Have nice day. Is what they say on phone when I ring private medical scheme to sort out why my operation fees not paid yet.
WALTER No, but I'm just going to put the kettle on.
ZBZYNSKY What? I talk about my fees not being paid.
WALTER I know it's not made. I'm just going to put the kettle on. (To Mabel) What I came to ask was whether we can break into those new chocolate biscuits. This is Mr Zbzynsky, for those who don't know him.
ZBZYNSKY Hallo.
WALTER He's the hall caretaker. (Wanders off to kitchen door) They call them Sombreros, I think. Very tasty. You wouldn't begrudge two or three, Mabel, would you? (Exit to kitchen)
ZBZYNSKY Ah, yes. You know, I don't think I can eat these things, these - what he call them, these biscuits?
CATRIONA Sombreros.
ZBZYNSKY Ah, hallo again! Zdravstvye, as they say in Russia. We speak earlier, eh?
CATRIONA I thought you were Czech or something, not Russian.
ZBZYNSKY A few things. I got around in Eastern Europe. Bit of Pole, bit of Czech, bit of Magyar. But the gall bladder, I think that one made somewhere no good. Friday afternoon stuff, eh? Oh, it give me problem. Give me right old gyp.
MABEL I thought you'd had it out, Mr Zibinsky.
ZBZYNSKY Oh, I do, I do have it out. But I get it done private, yes? So no waiting list. But the bloody private insurance scheme, it put me on waiting list. I still waiting for them to pay operation fee. I ring up every day. 'Where my operation fee?' I say. Doctor, he want his money. Still, he can't put gall bladder back, eh? But they not pay his fee: no fee, he go mad, yes?
Enter Walter from kitchen during this
WALTER You're not still on about that, are you? The kettle's boiling. It won't be long now, right? He's been on about his tea for the past half hour.
ZBZYNSKY Fee! Fee! The word is fee. Why you not get your ears pumped out, eh?
WALTER There's nothing wrong with my hearing. Just a little wax, that's all. The trouble with you is, you haven't learnt to speak English correctly, oh no.
ZBZYNSKY I speak it okay. You don't hear it correctly, oh no.
WALTER The glories of Dickens and Shakespeare are lost on him, you know, lost.
MABEL Walter?
WALTER Yes?
MABEL Would you like to take Mr Bizinsky and have a cup of tea in the kitchen?
WALTER I will, if I can get him to shut up.
MABEL Then we can get on with our meeting.
CATRIONA Would the gentlemen be interested, I wonder?
OLIVE No, Catriona, no, I don't think we want the gentlemen to be interested.
MABEL I'd never hold my head up again.
ZBZYNSKY What? What is this?
MABEL Nothing, nothing.
OLIVE No, it's nothing, nothing at all.
ZBZYNSKY You know what? When people say "is nothing", but go on like knifes and forks have got down pants, I always suspicious. I suspect is something, eh? But I not ask. Too much gentleman. Tea in kitchen, Walter?
WALTER Yes, yes. Should be ready now. Come on. I found those biscuits, Mabel.
ZBZYNSKY (as they go into kitchen) I dunno about the biscuits. Doctor say not to eat things like that. (Exit to kitchen with Walter)
MABEL Catriona, for heaven's sake don't mention this calendar idea to those two. Walter's daft enough to try it, and that Mr Bizinsky will just follow him out of devilment.
CATRIONA I think it would be a good idea to get them involved. They would add a touch of humour to it. Wouldn't you agree, Aunt Sally?
SALLY Yes, I can just picture those two positioned behind Walter's Workmate, with maybe Walter holding his cordless drill.
CATRIONA As long as they watch what they're doing with the circular saw.
OLIVE Sally, who would take the pictures? Not that I'd be in it, of course, but I'm just curious.
SALLY Joe Spottle.
MABEL Oh, not him! I can't stand him.
SALLY He's a good photographer. He once won an award.
OLIVE Yes, thirty years ago.
MABEL And he never lets anyone forget. Photographer of the Year. It was only for the County Argus, when all's said and done. He's never managed to win anything since.
OLIVE There was talk of him joining some high-up society, wasn't there?
MABEL The F R C S, I think.
SALLY The R P S. Royal Photographic Society. The other one's the Royal College of Surgeons.
OLIVE Well, something high up, anyway, but I gather they wouldn't have him.
MABEL I still don't like him, Sally. I always think of something unpleasant when I hear his name. Spottle.
SALLY He can't help that, and he does take good pictures.
OLIVE Well, if Joe Spottle's going to take the pictures I'm only glad I won't be in them, even with my clothes on. Ooh! The way he looks at you makes my skin crawl.
MABEL Them glasses he wears don't make him look any nicer. They're like jam jar bottoms. How he sees through them I don't know.
CATRIONA Perhaps they're X-ray specs.
OLIVE What do you mean?
CATRIONA He could see through your clothes with them if they were.
OLIVE Oh, shut up, Catriona. I've gone all goose pimply just thinking about him. (Shudders)
SALLY He's the only photographer in the village.
OLIVE We don't have to rely on someone from the village. If we do this, and I'm definitely not committing myself to it, then we should use someone from further afield.
MABEL As far afield as possible so that they don't know us.
OLIVE You're not committing yourself, though, are you, Mabel?
MABEL No, definitely not! If the others want to do it, let them, but don't include me. I'm definitely not taking my clothes off and posing in the nude for a calendar, tasteful or not. Anyway, it's still too cold. We'd freeze, especially in your garden, Olive, because I know how windswept it gets and I don't see them shrubs offering much protection. (During this speech, Mr Zbzynsky re-enters from kitchen, followed by Walter. Both are carrying full mugs of tea. Walter is munching chocolate biscuits. Mabel does not notice their entry, as both are trying not to disturb the ladies) Can you just imagine us posing for photos in the altogether, covered with goose pimples and trying to hide behind those dwarf conifers?
ZBZYNSKY Yes, I can imagine it.
MABEL Ooh! Have you been listening?
ZBZYNSKY If you are talking, how can one help but listen?
OLIVE It's very rude to creep about listening in to other people's conversations.
ZBZYNSKY Creep? We creep only so we don't disturb meeting, Mrs Livesey. And as for rude, hey, Walter, you hear what they were talking about?
WALTER What? What did you say?
ZBZYNSKY They talk about posing for nude calendars. In this willage? These respectable folks?
OLIVE Yes, respectable folks, as you say. That's why Mabel and I want nothing to do with it.
WALTER I can't hear a thing. I think I'd better get my ears seen to. There's a bit of wax needs shifting. I don't like it, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet.
ZBZYNSKY You been asked to pose for one, eh? I bet it's that Joe Spottle. I hear he is into this kind of thing. Makes a lot of money with pictures of young ladies.
MABEL I knew it. You can see it in them glasses he wears.
CATRIONA The X-ray specs?
OLIVE Don't joke about it, Catriona. It's not funny. If he is doing that sort of thing, I don't want to know.
MABEL Neither do I, and I'm certainly not taking my clothes off in front of him, calendars or no, fund-raising or no.
ZBZYNSKY You hear this, Walter? Your good lady wife, she say she is not prepared to stand in the nude for some calendar or other.
WALTER Stand in the loo? I do that, and you do that, but there's a seat for the ladies.
ZBZYNSKY In the nude! In the nude!
OLIVE Nobody's going to be in the nude! Well, not me, anyway.
WALTER Who's in the nude? I don't see anyone in the nude.
ZBZYNSKY Your wife.
WALTER No, you're wrong there, Vaslav. No, she's definitely not in the nude. Is there something wrong with your eyes?
ZBZYNSKY Your wife say she is not prepared to pose in the nude for a naughty calendar. She wery good, respectable woman, eh? All you other ladies, you are going to pose, eh?
OLIVE Certainly not! Well, I'm not. The others can.
WALTER (to Olive) I haven't the faintest idea what he's on about, you know.
OLIVE (shouting) We were discussing a nude calendar of the PCC and the church congregation.
ZBZYNSKY The PCC? Parochial Church Council? I don't believe I am hearing this. A nude calendar of the people who run the church? I thought it was just you swingers, but the entire PCC! What, old Tom the churchwarden too?
SALLY It's just an idea. There's nothing definite.
ZBZYNSKY But what a wonderful idea! Look, have you got to be Anglican? Or can a Catholic join in?
OLIVE Are you a Catholic, Mr Bizinsky?
ZBZYNSKY Yes.
OLIVE But you're the caretaker of the church hall! We're all Church of England, you know.
ZBZYNSKY I know. It was only job I could get. Nothing wrong with that, is there?
OLIVE Well, it seems a bit strange to me. But you surely wouldn't be interested in this idea?
ZBZYNSKY Why not? There's nothing wrong with nudity. Look at me, for example. Am I a bad-looking man, eh? Am I like the Quasimodo? No, of course not. I am human being, just like you. This is right, Walter, is it not?
WALTER Who's tight?
ZBZYNSKY We are human, you and I, no?
WALTER Well, I am, at any rate.
ZBZYNSKY And therefore we have nothing to be ashamed of, no?
WALTER Ashamed? Who should be ashamed? What have you done?
ZBZYNSKY Look, if I take off my clothes, what is underneath, eh? A normal human being, that's what. (Begins to take off his overalls) Look, I will show you. (Throws overalls onto floor. Kicks off shoes, begins to unbutton shirt)
MABEL Mr Bizinsky! What are you doing?
ZBZYNSKY (unbuttoning shirt) I show you what a man looks like.
OLIVE We already know, thank you.
ZBZYNSKY Then you won't be shocked because I show you nothing new. (Removing shirt and other clothing during dialogue) Is God's creation, you know.
OLIVE Mr Bizinsky, you can't do this!
ZBZYNSKY Is okay. I go to confession.
MABEL Walter, stop him!
WALTER What for? He's happy. Anyway, you've seen it all before. Well, not his, maybe, or maybe you have.
OLIVE What?
WALTER Well, you know, when you've seen one ... (Zbzynsky takes his trousers off, revealing a pair of voluminous underpants. Walter, unconcerned, ambles off into the kitchen)
CATRIONA I haven't seen it before.
ZBZYNSKY You haven't? Time you did. (Removing socks)
OLIVE Stop! We've had quite enough, Mr Zibinsky.
ZBZYNSKY Zbzynsky. Everybody get it wrong all the time. Zibinsky, Bizinsky! Never get it right. Not a difficult name, you know.
OLIVE Whatever it is, we've seen quite enough, thank you.
MABEL Yes, put your trousers back on, Mr Bizinsky.
ZBZYNSKY No, I finish what I am doing first, then, when I show you what a human being looks like, I put the clothes back on, eh?
OLIVE I'm going, I'm going. I'm not staying here to be insulted like this.
ZBZYNSKY What's insulting about it? Okay, I get fat in old age, but no worse than many like what you see on beach when you go on holiday.
SALLY I take it you'd be interested in joining in the nude calendar, then, Mr Zbzynsky?
ZBZYNSKY Yeah, why not? Okay, I tell you what, I keep it till then, eh? (Begins to dress again. Olive gathers her things together) Ha ha ha! I give you one hell of a shock there, eh? You think I take it all off? Not now. But if you get this calendar thing going, yes, why not? I join in. Walter, he probably join in too.
OLIVE I'll have to go, Mabel. I'm all of a flutter now.
Enter Shirley. Mr Zbzynsky is still dressing, which he completes through the dialogue
SHIRLEY Oh, sorry!
ZBZYNSKY Is no trouble. You miss it all, anyway, what there was of it.
SHIRLEY Been doing the Full Monty, have we, Mr Zbzynsky?
MABEL Nearly, but not quite. Poor Olive's all of a flutter now.
Olive says nothing, but, tight-lipped, collects her coat
ZBZYNSKY All I do is try to show them what a human man looks like. Well, it was my joke.
OLIVE Well, I didn't see the joke, Mr Zibinsky. I'm sorry, but I just didn't find it funny.
ZBZYNSKY But you miss serious point, Mrs Livesey. Under the outer coatings, we are all human, eh? Nothing to be ashamed of.
SHIRLEY What's he talking about?
SALLY Mr Zbzynsky got a bit carried away by overhearing us discussing the calendar, Shirley.
SHIRLEY Oh, is he interested?
ZBZYNSKY Maybe, maybe. Hey, Walter! Walter! Where you go? Maybe I get Walter interested too. If he will do it, I will do it with all of you.
OLIVE (shocked) Oh! I knew no good would come of this. I'd better be off.
ZBZYNSKY Come on, Mrs Livesey. Get a life. (Walter ambles back in, munching another biscuit and carrying a portable CD player) Hey, Walter, what you think, eh? You and me, we do this thing, this nude calendar?
WALTER What? What's he on about?
CATRIONA I thought you said it was rude?
ZBZYNSKY No, I not say that. Mrs Livesey think so, but what the hell!
OLIVE Oh! (Exit to hallway)
MABEL Now you've upset her. (Goes out after Olive)
ZBZYNSKY This willage, it needs a bit of livening up. By the way, what does the Wicker think of this plan?
CATRIONA She'll be all for it, won't she, Aunt Sally?
WALTER What? What's he on about now?
ZBZYNSKY Good, I like it. She one hell of a damn fine woman, the Wicker. Nice big girl. That's what I like about the Church of England. It open up to these damn fine women. Hey! Would she pose, you think?
SALLY I hope not. She has her reputation to consider.
WALTER The Vicar, did he say? Did you say the Vicar, Vaslav?
ZBZYNSKY I say she one damn fine woman, the Wicker.
WALTER Oh! Damn fine woman. I'll say she is.
ZBZYNSKY She do good pose for calendar, eh? (Winks)
WALTER A good nose for what?
ZBZYNSKY Pose! Pose for nude calendar.
WALTER Did she? Good God! When? Not the Michelin one, was it?
ZBZYNSKY This one, I say. Maybe she dress as Santa Claus and be Miss December, eh? But Miss Simpson here, she say not. The Wicker has her reputation to consider.
WALTER I'm completely lost. (To Shirley) Hello, Shirley. I thought you were off on your bike.
SHIRLEY Michael, Walter. I went to collect Michael from school.
WALTER Oh, I see. And what have you done with him?
SHIRLEY Taken him to a birthday party.
WALTER Rather you than me, oh yes.
SHIRLEY I had to come back to find out more about the calendar idea.
WALTER You wouldn't get me involved with one of those. No way, right? No way!
ZBZYNSKY Aw, Walter! You disappoint me. I thought I could rely on you.
WALTER Kids' birthday parties? My word! No!
ZBZYNSKY Oh, I thought you mean calendar.
WALTER Banister? Yes, well, we'd better get on with that job, I suppose. You know, when you get involved in idle chit-chat, the time flies and you forget what you're doing, don't you?
Mabel re-enters
MABEL I've managed to pacify her and left her in the dining room. (To Walter) I'll speak to you later. Why did you come in here, anyway?
WALTER Well, we'd better get on with it.
MABEL Walter!
WALTER What? Did you speak, Mabel?
MABEL Why did you come back in here? Did you want something?
WALTER No, no. We're going into the hall to measure up the banisters.
MABEL What for? And why do you want that CD player?
WALTER What? What's she saying?
ZBZYNSKY Your banisters are the same as church hall, Mrs Springlove. Walter and me, we get some measurements from them. The CD player, it's just for a little music. I have CD of old Magyar folk songs. (Pats pocket) Wery good, wery sad, but not as good as my CD of old Russian church music.
WALTER That reminds me. (Pulls an expanding rule from his pocket) Ah, I did bring it. Have I got - (Feels behind ear and produces pencil) Right, let's get on. These women, you know, they keep us from our work.
ZBZYNSKY Yes, okay, Walter. Repair to banister, and maybe I get you interested in this calendar idea. (Both exit to hall, Walter carrying CD player)
MABEL I could kill him sometimes. The older he gets, the dafter he gets.
SALLY How's Olive? At least she hasn't gone home.
MABEL Oh, she's just having one of her little turns, you know, the way she does when she gets huffy. I'll make her a cup of tea. In fact, I'll make us all one. (Exit to kitchen)
SHIRLEY Mr Zbzynsky's just as bad. He eggs Walter on.
SALLY Oh, I don't know. As he says himself, the "willage" needs livening up.
SHIRLEY This calendar will certainly do that.
CATRIONA If we get it off the ground.
SHIRLEY You're interested, are you, Catriona?
CATRIONA Yes. I'm over eighteen, after all. And it is all going to be in the best possible taste, as they say.
SALLY Of course it is. So that's you and me, eh, Cattie?
SHIRLEY Go on then. Count me in.
SALLY Good for you, Shirley. Now, we need to talk the Vicar round.
CATRIONA I'm trying to imagine the faces of the congregation. They won't all do it, will they?
SHIRLEY Of course not.
CATRIONA Most of them will be pretty shocked, I should think.
SHIRLEY Less so than when the Vicar took the pews out, I would say.
SALLY Yes, I think some of the new people who've started coming will be supportive.
Door bell
CATRIONA The bra factory!
SALLY What?
CATRIONA The bra factory on the industrial estate. They might sponsor us. When you said "supportive" it sort of triggered the idea off.
Mabel enters from kitchen with a loaded tray of crockery
MABEL The kettle's on. Was that the door?
SALLY Yes. Let me help you. (Goes to assist with tray)
MABEL Thanks. I'd better get it before you know who messes it all up for me.
Mabel hands tray over to Sally, who puts it in a convenient place. Mabel goes to hall door, but is forestalled by Walter, who enters from hallway with Alex, the postman, who is carrying a recorded delivery parcel and a clipboard with signing form. Catriona's tongue is virtually hanging out at the sight of him
WALTER It's the post, but I can't make out what he wants.
MABEL Leave it with me.
WALTER They won't speak up, young people today, you know. They get it off the telly. Half the time you can't make out what they're saying on there, oh no. I've had to leave Vaslav sitting on the banister rail while I see to this.
ALEX That's all right, Walter.
WALTER Tight? He's not tight. He's measuring the fall of the banisters.
MABEL Walter, just go and get on with whatever you're doing.
WALTER (to Alex) I don't get paid for this, you know, oh no. I do this voluntarily for the church. I think I'll go back to being a blood donor. You get a badge for that.
MABEL Walter! (Exit Walter to hallway) Right, what is it? Recorded delivery?
ALEX Yes, if you'd just sign here, Mrs Springlove. Here's a pen.
MABEL (tries to sign on clipboard as Alex holds it) It doesn't work.
ALEX Typical. You can't trust anything these days. Hang on, I've got another one somewhere.
MABEL No, I've got one here. (Goes to sideboard and opens drawer) Here we are. (Returns to clipboard and painstakingly signs during dialogue)
CATRIONA Alex!
ALEX What?
CATRIONA Hi!
ALEX Hi, Cattie.
SALLY Bit late to be delivering, isn't it?
ALEX Oh, this is just a one-off. I've got some parcels to take to the chemist and then I have to go to the bra factory. Uplifting experience, I always think. Thanks, Mrs Springlove. (Mabel finishes signing and takes parcel)
CATRIONA (to Alex in an embarrassed rush) Do you want to be in a nude calendar?
MABEL Catriona!
ALEX A what?
CATRIONA Nothing. I'll tell you later, right. Are you going to Toby's tonight?
ALEX Yeah, probably.
CATRIONA See you there.
ALEX Yeah, okay. All done, Mrs Springlove? (Gathers up clipboard and pen) Right, I'll be seeing you. Ta-ra. (To Catriona) Nude calendar! Cheeky! (Exit)
CATRIONA Ooh! Isn't he just gorgeous?
MABEL (to Sally, indicating parcel) This is what I've been waiting for. Thermal underwear. I don't know whether this house is getting colder, or whether it's just my age.
SALLY It's a bit late in the year to be getting thermals, isn't it? The warmer weather can't be far away.
CATRIONA You hope.
SHIRLEY Is that the lad you think might join in the calendar plan, Cattie? He's a bit of all right, isn't he?
CATRIONA Isn't he just?
MABEL (opening her parcel) Now I might take part in this thing, Sally, if I can wear this. It's a nice warm vest and a pair of knickers. (Produces them from parcel) I keep telling Walter to send for some himself, but you might as well talk to the moon.
CATRIONA I don't see Walter in a pair of thermal underpants. I don't see Alex in them either. Out of them, perhaps.
MABEL Catriona! (Puts vest and knickers on sideboard)
SALLY You might come in on this, then, Mabel?
MABEL As I say, if I can wear something comfortable.
SHIRLEY But the whole point is to be just a little saucy and daring, Mabel.
MABEL Well, I'm not the saucy type. I know you keep saying it will all be in good taste, but I've got my reputation to think of, just like the Vicar. (A blast of loud raunchy rock music comes from the hall) What on earth is that?
CATRIONA It's not old Russian church music.
MABEL (shouting over music) Anyway, as I was saying, I'm not the saucy type and I certainly don't want to sit there in the nude.
SHIRLEY But we'll all be concealed, Mabel. It's not going to be like something out of the tabloids, you know. Just a little daring without going over the top.
MABEL What? Oh, I'll have to go and tell him to turn it down.
Olive enters in distress from hallway
OLIVE Mabel! You'd better go out there and stop it!
MABEL I'm just going to, Olive. It is a bit loud.
OLIVE It's not that. (Shuts door. Music volume drops) It's - it's that young postman and Mr Bizinsky.
SHIRLEY What are they doing?
OLIVE That Bizinsky is taking off his clothes to music. That postman is showing him how to do it. I didn't know where to look. I'd just come out of the other room and there they were. I think I'm going to have another turn.
SALLY Oh God, no! Not in here, Olive.
MABEL The postman? What - what's going on, did you say, Olive?
CATRIONA Oh, didn't you know? Alex is in The Commissars.
SALLY What's that?
CATRIONA One of these male strip teams. They go round the clubs and perform to hen nights.
OLIVE You're joking!
SHIRLEY Oh, we must have him in the calendar, Sally, after this.
Olive sits down suddenly in shock
OLIVE Oh! Oh!
MABEL Don't have a turn, Olive. You've had one already.
WALTER (off) Vaslav! No! Not in there!
The hall door opens to a crescendo of music from the CD player, and Mr Zbzynsky appears framed in the doorway, naked, except that Alex, reaching in from behind him, manages to protect his (Zbzynsky's) modesty with his postman's cap
ZBZYNSKY How's that, ladies? (He stretches out his arms) Tasteful, no? (Olive looks and faints in her seat: the others stand in stupefaction as the curtain closes.)
END OF ACT 1 OF THIS TWO ACT PLAY
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