by Turdunken
(Jesus�RESURRECTED! Meanwhile Snake is sneaking through the village. He sees armed elves ahead. Kneeling, he uses his CODEC. Bleep-bleep)
Snake: This is Snake.
Jesus: Whatever, man! I just fell a big ass ways! Whaddaya want?!
Snake: Looks like round boy has a troop. They�re armed with five-five-sixers and pineapples.
Jesus: They�re armed with�pineapples?
Snake: Naw, not actual pineapples, ya doof! Grenades!
Jesus: Then why�d you say pineapples?
Snake: Forget it. Any advice?
Jesus: Er� shoot them a lot. Oh! And don�t get shot yourself.
Snake: Ugh. Master Miller, you are not. Lemme talk to Roy.
Jesus: No can do, chickee-poo. He�s on his way to help you.
(Snake pops out and shoots up the elf guards with his silenced USP)
Roy: Snake! Let�s rock!
Snake: Yeah! Just like old times, boyee!
(And so the pair make their way through Santa�s Workshop, using a duo of large gift boxes in lieu of the cardboard box. Snake discovers a letter from Roy to Santa along the way)
Snake: (reading aloud) �Dear Santa. I�ve been very good this year. I need scissors, 61�? What the hell?
(At the end of the workshop, they discard the boxes, reaching a long hallway. Snake is horrified to see a laser sight trace its way over Roy)
Roy: What�s up, dude?
(BAM! BAM! BAMBAM! Roy is shot several times and falls. Snake takes cover behind and corner and gets on the CODEC. Bleep-bleep)
Jesus: (eating a chalupa) Hmm? What now?
Snake: We�re getting� shot at, you putz!
Jesus: Yeah? Cool. That sounds exciting. Who�s shootin�?
Snake: I dunno! You�re the stupid CODEC support! Whoever it is has a laser sight.
Jesus: Could it be? Rudolph?
Snake: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Jesus: Yes. After being left out of the other reindeers� games, he joined terrorist group Stuffed Stocking. He killed all of his former friends, and he become Santa�s merciless right hand man.
Snake: But he doesn�t even have hands!
Jesus: Even so.
Snake: So what do I do? I can�t hit him from here!
Jesus: Let me handle it. I�m almost there now.
(Jesus steps in)
Jesus: (places a hand on Roy�s head) You�re healed! (shoves him toward Snake)
(Jesus advances on Rudolph, getting shot dead and resurrected over and over)
Jesus: Rudolph! (BAM!) Stop! (BAM!) Shooting! (BAM!) Son of a� (BAM!) Why you little! (BAM!)
(Finally, Jesus reaches him)