For Immediate Release

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- After a year of dull madness, Jeremy Seeley has decided to skip to the end of 2004 without living out the last week-and-a-half of the vacuous year. In anticipation of nothing interesting happening, Seeley released his "first annual" year in review.

"Let's go straight to the review and assume nothing of note will happen until January," Seeley said in a press conference. "You've been reading the releases. Nothing of note has happened all year, so I don't have to tell you the odds. Sure, I made some stuff up to keep the readers interested, but, come on...."

"Seeley's analysis is right on," said Afork Aster, head of obvious statements for the University of Duh. "Statistically speaking, it is likely that the trend of nothing happening in Seeley's life will continue."

(With nothing else of interest to report, the editor has decided to skip the rest of the analysis and go straight to the review.)

January
Seeley took a permanent position with the State of Utah as an employment counselor for the Department of Workforce Services.
Year End Analysis: "I now know what it would be like to be sucked out of a space ship into the vacuum of space through a pea sized hole."

February
Seeley recommended February get an extreme make-over. Spent Valentine's Day bitter and alone. Spent Ground Hog's Day, Presidents Day and the entire week of Mardis Gras celebrations in like fashion.
Year End Analysis: "I still maintain that February is the party month, even if it sucked for me."

March
Seeley ran his first ever "for real" race and finished just behind the guy sweeping up litter from the race spectators. Started Kung Fu classes. Said of his initial martial-art skills: I'm pretty much like Jet Li, except I look goofy, move incredibly slowly, and can't kick." above knee level.
Year End Analysis: "March was the peak of my athleticism for the year. I've now advanced two levels in Kung Fu, which means I'm better than I was. I am still pretty much like Jet Li--or maybe Jackie Chan--but they are both good. I tried to steal this little kids lunch money, but he pulled on my orange belt and my Kung Fu pants fell down. It was embarassing."

April
Seeley was overcome by "pollen monsters." He became a "quarter-centenarian."
Year End Analysis: "I have a plan for allergy season this year. I'm getting older and can't waste my precious time on sneezing. Check out my flame thrower. I'm taking the fight to the pollen."

May
Seeley finished his first novel and tortured his friends and family by making them read and analyze it.
Year End Analysis: "At least it was short."

June
Seeley claimed to have lost his mind; realized it was always gone.
Year End Analysis: "...."

July
Seeley got his first female stalker.
Year End Analysis: "The Chocodiles were a ruse. I swear! It really was a girl. Why do you all think I'm making this up?"

August
Seeley fought a war with the weeds in the front yard and lost. Went through delusional phase in which he posed as Spiderman and disgusted all his friends by wearing tights.
Year End Analysis: "I learned that you shouldn't pull weeds in the front yard while wearing your superhero outfit. Cursed thorns ripped my tights. Now I'll never be a superhero."

September
Seeley tricked a girl into steady dating him. He ran his first marathon.
Year End Analysis: "I think the secret to happiness is to make the boring minutia of life seem important. 'Doing' causes pain and never makes as good of a story as you think."

October
Against all odds, Seeley continued to date a girl. He started working a night job with the Utah Jazz and was promoted before he ever showed up for work.
Year End Analysis: "Having two jobs is great--especially if you like doing at least one of them."

November
Against all odds, Seeley continued to date a girl. He started a small business in hopes of exhausting his savings without feeling guilty for blowing his nest egg.
Year End Analysis: "I hope my business partner wasn't just joking about all this."

December
The odds caught up to Jeremy and his girl friend came to her senses. The 'female' stalker disappeared around the same time.
Year End Analysis: "No comment."

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