HA! Thanks for stopping by my humor house! This page will have funny quotes, stories, cartoons, jokes, and more. Have fun! And don't forget to laugh! :-DThis first section is from SNL (Saturday Night Live). Jack Handey has this great segment called "Deep Thoughts". I saw it and loved it. I got these quotes from Jason Funk's site. Thanks, Jas! (o:
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of
tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind".
Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size,
because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a
complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want
anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like
they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap . The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't
bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it
could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and
asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue
me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and
begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit
each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby?
Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their
faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached
to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make
someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call
hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered whe re this started and
I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I
realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and
attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they
screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming
home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to
the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you
know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with
a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy
and people will try to catch you I was going to take my l ittle nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I
drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive
over to the real Disney Land, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the
most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take
a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the
salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone
tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I
think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you
fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his
cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that
Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge,
quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cau se, man, they're gone.
